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We Happy Few by Christian Brunetti - Drama - “We Happy Few” is a character-driven drama about a disillusioned army veteran struggling to repair a damaged marriage while trying to overcome the invisible wounds he has suffered during a decade of difficult military service-leaving him to fight the war so few veterans are prepared for-the war to finally come home. 120 pages - pdf, format
As said before, the logline is a pretty long one. I used to have this problem too. Just put in only what is vital for the reader to get a basic understanding of what the screenplay is about.
Something like " A man fresh from the hells of war returns home, sparking a new one for his marriage."
Cut the title from the logline, and instead of placing stuff like how he is disillusioned, and trying to overcome visible wounds, in the logline, show it in the story.
Onto the script.
Page 1 - in the second bit of action you tell us that he is removing a bronze start?
Page 2 - Trevor's comment .... this if Frank223 and I may be wrong about this but I think 223 should be two-two-three.
Page 4 Int Rec room, forgot the period after INT
You also forgot to tell us that he is on the phone, maybe think about adding a scene in here? To introduce us to Hannah and the kids? or maybe have Andrew on a laptop, face to face with her.
Page 5 Trevor's comment "you have to much going for you" wrong to and Andrew's comment right after that, I'll missing a comma.
Page 9 Andrew "If I hear the word desert again it will be two soon" those damn to's eh?
I've got a some questions and issues for the scenes around the bar scene, first off there are no scene headings in between the INT. BAR and EXT. Hospital. I'm assuming that' the car is Jared's they got into? (Later on Jared get his car from the bar) so it was Andrew's then, what happened to the taxi? Was it just a ride home sort of thing, if so, then why have the cab on order?
Why didn't they just call an ambulance too? Andrew put himself in this situation which is causing me to not really care about him. You make him seem so caring and focused on getting a better lifestyle for his family...then he does this, something that put him at high risk for going to jail or getting charges/fines (which he clearly cannot pay)...for no reason. All of it could've been avoided by just simply dialing three numbers.
What may help this scene is giving Andrew flashbacks and make him a bit drunker? Me personally, I need something to blame his stupidity on....besides him.
Now "Hannah's thing" I like it....but I hate it. I like it because it's either going to make or break Andrew, he may stumble put somehow get up in the end. I hate it because it doesn't really work well for me, I don't mean don't have her cheating, I mean make it noticeable earlier in the story. As is it just seems like an out of the blue sort of thing, we get introduced to her, she is a loving wife, cares about her family and then bam...she's a cheater. It's not believable enough for me.
Hannah even says that Andrew suspects something...but we don't know that until it's right there in our face. Just a suggestion, but what about having us know without a doubt what is going on. Maybe add in a scene with Hannah and Ted that is far more intimate, more sexual than their first scene.
I just think it would be better for the readers/audience to know this information about Hannah and Ted a bit more smoothly, but this is entirely personal opinion.
There's a couple of issues I have with the following bar scene where Jared comes back for his car... Jared never gave him his debit card, only Andrew did....and if it was Andrew's card he had then how did Wade know Jared's full name?
...and the damage done to the bar.....what damage? The only thing smashed was a liquor bottle which was Jared's to begin with.
I'm at page 30 right now, I'll continue reading it later on, there are also non story related issues I have, the spelling and grammar errors are all through the script as you can see I stopped reporting them. Then there are the huge packs of dialogue. There are some scene headings wrong and some parts where they don't exists at all when they should. You will need to go through this and fix all these errors at some point.
I revamped the scene transitions between the bar and the hospital, as well as made several of the grammatical corrections you suggested.
As for the issue with Andrew driving Jared to the bar versus calling 911, he is reacting to the situation as it unfolds, and as evidenced by the blood loss and the need for a tourniquet, waiting for an ambulance would create a more dangerous situation than having to drive him to the hospital.
Hannah is good at deceiving and manipulating, as you will see through out the script. She plays the part of the good house wife well, but she isn't. She continues to play both sides, and I felt it was important for the audience to see who Andrew was dealing with, even though he doesn't know himself.
I appreciate the input and help, like I said I made several of the changes you suggested and will continue to refine it so my meaning is clear at parts where it isn't translating well.
Forgot to add a kudos to ya for completing a feature script, I have a couple of short scripts soon to pop up here, been tying to pump out a feature screenplay too, but it's taking a while to do so.
Page 59 Andrew' s comment, when he gets the pills and he tell the operator " Ya - we think he was taking these pills" maybe give name to these pills, or maybe Andrew searches the bottle to see the label torn off? Or maybe just have Andrew confirm that he did take pills, it's just odd the way it reads now. Like he was trying to physically show the pills to the operator sort of thing.
I like Andrew's emotional breakdown moment, but just there were more moments to show that something was affecting him. Maybe I'm just forgetting but I don't recall anything to show that. Maybe add in some dreams before that thing with Hannah went down. Maybe when he out and about have certain sounds or words that someone says to cause some flashbacks or some sort of discomfort for him.
Page 101 - Andrew sits and listens, slowly falling apart. What he feels he can't say, the one truth that he can't accept...he loves her, too. Instead he remains silent as tears fall.
You can only show what he feels, not tell, besides I think you have done well to bring that message through already, from page 80 till now, there is a very good emotional developed and is it now being resolved.
That was a dark ending haha, I was so happy that Hannah finally got what was coming to her, looked forward to Andrew's and Jenny's relationship starting...but he gets shot!...that is one sad ending you've made.
Apart from what I've said before there is not much else I can find that needs a little work in this script. Love the ending even though it pains me to say it.
Just fix spelling and grammar, touch up some scenes and you will have a good screenplay here.
I would love to check out some of your work. I appreciate the feedback, this has been a long labor of love...and a lot of trial and error! I will continue to clean it up, your insight was really helpful.
I have two up now, the first one is " Till Death do us Part" but it's not worth the read yet, I'm re-writing it already, it had a ton of spelling mistakes...the other just popped up today it's "Mafioso's" but it's up to you, any and all comments and opinions are welcomed.
I've just submitted an updated version of Mafioso's, I'll let you know when it's up, it's a lot different than the current version.