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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Breaking the Plane Moderators: bert
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  Author    Breaking the Plane  (currently 1140 views)
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 5:30pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Breaking the Plane by Michael Corcoran - Drama - When the star high school quarterback is benched, the timid back up is thrust into the starting role. Intense pressure from the school, community, and teammates becomes too much, putting both the season and the coach's career in jeopardy.  97 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 9:53pm Report to Moderator

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Looked through a bit of this, I'm not a huge fan of sports movies or football in general but the premise seemed intriguing so I took a dive.

On pg. 3, there should be a comma after the boy says "Man".

A lot of elements seemed over-the-top to me, but none that were too ridiculous. However, at the end of pg. 3, when Tyler and the boy hi-five, that was reeaaallly quite fake behavior. It was almost kind of cartoonish, I don't know if that's what you were going for, but I would just end Tyler's statement without the celebration.

pg. 4:
Quoted Text
she is every bit the girl next door. The only thing tomboy about her is the way she catches and throws.

Show, don't tell. What the hell does "girl-next-door" imply? I have an idea, but this seemed unnecessary.

I like the conflict between Tyler and the Coach. It seems to develop naturally and it's not too in-your-face from the beginning.

Why does Hines love chewing into Tyler with the coach? Isn't football a huge moneymaker for the schools? I'm fine with this trait as long as there's a reason for it.

Annie rings a bit false, in my opinion. Along with the girl-next-door thing, she is incredibly supportive, to the point of being unrealistic. She seems to exist solely as a love interest and supporter for the main character. Tyler is also a bit one-sided. Both characters we've seen a bunch in past high school movies.

I only got to page 20, so some of these notes might be completely useless if I had read later on in the script.

I would recommend, though, that Chris face more conflict and resentment from the other players during the practice before the game. It's hard to put your protagonist in too much conflict, but it's necessary for us to root for him.

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