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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Red Apple Tree Moderators: bert
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  Author    Red Apple Tree  (currently 1889 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Apple Tree by Bill Moldestad - Drama - Last Roman Emperor is trying to save his people while faith is tearing everything apart. 102 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Code

Stone cannon ball IMPACTS...



Cannons were not introduced until the 13th Century. It could be a large rock or stone, but it couldn't be a cannon ball.
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BillM
Posted: January 11th, 2016, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Constantinople fell in 1453:  they had cannons then.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 12th, 2016, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks. I've since been reading about the very cannon designed to smash down the walls. Interesting stuff.
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BillM
Posted: February 21st, 2016, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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The Roman Empire fell in the wake of modern warfare:  cannons and matchlock muskets.  I tried to be as historically accurate as possible.  Ironically, the man behind the super-cannons -- Urban -- was killed by his own creation; Constantinople couldn't afford him and so he went with the highest bidder, Mehmet, and the rest is history...
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NW3
Posted: February 21st, 2016, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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Well, fair enough about cannons but there would be no shrapnel. Stones, debris, shattered wall and it's a jagged piece of rock that gets lodged in the YOUNG SOLDIER's forehead. I didn't see this character again, was he okay?
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Patrick
Posted: February 21st, 2016, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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The title page needs to be industry standard, also I see a lot of ink on the pages. Try to show not tell. It is a good habit to get into to say more with less.


Patrick J Gillespie
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spesh2k
Posted: February 22nd, 2016, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Patrick
The title page needs to be industry standard, also I see a lot of ink on the pages. Try to show not tell. It is a good habit to get into to say more with less.


Once again, brilliant advice about title pages from some guy named Patrick. I'm convinced that he thinks everyone that has a script on this site is a fucking idiot. "Try to show not tell." Good fucking God. Try giving constructive advice. What you're saying can be read in the first two pages of any screenwriting book. Also, how does "I see a lot of ink on the pages" have anything to do with "show, not tell"? This is an historical story... of course there will be more description. And most of this "ink" on the page that you speak of is action and description. Not a lot of dialogue. Yes, the action and description can be cut down a lot IMO (a lot of unnecessary wording, e.g. "There is a man", etc... you can just say the character does whatever rather than even including "there is"... "there is" is made clear just by making mention of the character and action). But the bulk of the first few pages is description and action. So how is the writer telling without showing when most of the "ink" he has on the page is visual?

This tells me that Patrick "Don't Call Me Dizzy" Gillespie is just going around, barely glancing at scripts and spouting 3rd grade level wisdom without actually reading anything.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


Revision History (1 edits)
spesh2k  -  February 22nd, 2016, 5:45am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 22nd, 2016, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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In regard the writing, I think it's very good. As Spesh above has pointed out though, it could do with some minor tweaking to get it to that pro standard. The good news is, however, that your writing is good enough to enter comps with or send out to prod cos. It will not hold this story back. The only thing that will hold the story back is whether the producer can actually visualise themselves making it.

Lots of great scripts never get made. No amount of rewriting will make any difference at all.
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eldave1
Posted: February 22nd, 2016, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Bill:

Read the first ten.

First - there's something about your writing style that is compelling - it's very visual - entertaining. Despite the complex set up of some scenes it was relatively easy to see in my mind's eyes. There is talent here.

There were a few areas where I thought you could have been crisper. e.g.,


Quoted Text
The man is in his late 40's, and the woman is in her 30's.
They're resting on a grassy hill with their backs up against
a MASSIVE TREE - its green leaves softly blowing.

The woman - CATERINA - is wrapped in heavy blankets; her hair
is braided with elaborate beads that fall over jeweled
earrings. She is striking: her dark features are rich and
elegant. Her beautifully staged head rests on CONSTANTINE'S
chest, and while it's clear that she's very sick, she seems
at peace in his arms.


I think would read crisper like:

CONSTANTINE (late 40's), and CATERINA (30's) rest on
a grassy hill with their backs up against
a MASSIVE TREE - its green leaves softly blowing.

Caterina is wrapped in heavy blankets; her hair
is braided with elaborate beads that fall over jeweled
earrings. She is striking: her dark features are rich and
elegant....


Just a nit issue.


Quoted Text
GIOVANNI GUSTINIANI enters the picture. In the torchlight we
see he’s wearing a SILVER BREAST PLATE depicting A BLACK
EAGLE WEARING A GOLDEN CROWN


I think reads crisper as:

GIOVANNI GUSTINIANI enters the picture. He wears  a SILVER BREAST PLATE depicting A BLACK EAGLE WEARING A GOLDEN CROWN

Anyway - again a nit. Just my preference.


Quoted Text
A YOUNG SOLDIER cries out with blood streaming
down his face and a piece of JAGGED-STONE LODGED IN HIS
FOREHEAD... he looks lost, like he knows he’s no more.


I live this type of description.  Nice!


Quoted Text
SLOW MOTION ENDS with Constantine kicking the body free from
his sword - with the HAND DROPPING THE CROSS. A SWORD COMES
OUT OF NOWHERE SLAMMING INTO CONSTANTINE’S BACK causing him
to DROP HIS SWORD. Constantine turns around and grabs the
ATTACKING-JANISSARY’S forearm with one hand and with his
other hand VIOLENTLY BREAKS the attacker’s SWORD-ARM at the
elbow with a push. ANOTHER JANISSARY has scaled the RAMPART
and is about to swing when Constantine reaches for his swordhand
locking the two of them together in a deadly grip...
Janissary HEAD-BUTTS Constantine, knocking him down,
Constantine sweeps the Janissary off his feet and they start
punching each other: Constantine’s NOSE IS BROKEN, HIS JAW
IS HAMMERED - the weeks of constant fighting are getting to
him and he’s losing it. INTENSE FIGHTING GOING ON ALL
AROUND. The Janissary is on top of Constantine and is
CHOKING him: FACE TURNING BLUE and he’s about to pass out
when the Janissary GROWLS at him... A look of ANIMAL-ANGER
FLASHES IN CONSTANTINE’S EYES and he ROARS back, GRABBING the
man’s face in his hands and BITTING PART OF IT OFF.


I think the above would read easier broken up into smaller chunks. i.e., breaking on the separate actions. Something like.

SLOW MOTION ENDS with Constantine kicking the body free from
his sword - with the HAND DROPPING THE CROSS.

A SWORD COMES OUT OF NOWHERE SLAMMING INTO CONSTANTINE’S BACK causing him
to DROP HIS SWORD.

Constantine turns around and grabs the ATTACKING-JANISSARY’S forearm with one hand and with his other hand VIOLENTLY BREAKS the attacker’s SWORD-ARM at the
elbow with a push.

etc.


Anyway - pretty good stuff so far - I wish I could write descriptions as vividly as you do. Good luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BillM
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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A big thank you to everyone who took the time to read and critique my script!  I appreciate it --; and in particular,  Spesh2k's comments about unnecessary wording is right on:  this ties into Eldave1's suggested rewrites, which I agree, convey the same amount of information but in an efficient manner.  And DustinBowcot, you're right too, this script shouts big budget production, making it very unlikely to see the light of a screen. Still, I plan on rewriting it based on this feedback and others, and I hope this exercise will help me to become better:  to write forcefully, and to the point.  Thank you again to everyone who took the time to read Red Apple Tree.  Sincerely, Bill Moldestad Jr.
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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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You're welcome - best of luck with the rewrite.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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