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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Redeeming The Wrongful Mr. Wright Moderators: bert
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  Author    Redeeming The Wrongful Mr. Wright  (currently 1081 views)
Posted: June 22nd, 2016, 4:32pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Redeeming The Wrongful Mr. Wright by Andre Campbell - Drama, Family - A sinful man goes to jail and finds God among better ways to treat people. 152 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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The logline is bland. "Man" is totally generic and there's no antagonist/antagonistic force that would make it interesting.

150 pages? Too long for a spec. The very first page of the screenplay was enough for me to stop. Sorry to say this but there's so much wrong in this whole package.

Get rid of the bible stuff or at least format it correctly. Even the sluglines are wrong.

"EXT. SH71/US290 FREEWAY - DAY" should just be "EXT. FREEWAY - DAY". Why? Because NOBODY cares about the exact numbers of the freeway. Same goes for the other sluglines on page one...

Also get rid of transitions ( MOVE TO: ). That's shooting script language.

Don't capitalize sound effects, totally unnecessary!

Last but not least: "A DRIVER (30s) shouts out:" is not action/description. There's no need at all to write this line. Plus you never add a colon after action/description.

Sorry to say this but the script needs a lot of work, just like the logline (and most likely the story too).

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BenL  -  June 23rd, 2016, 12:12pm
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Posted: June 24th, 2016, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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You know what a saguaro is?
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The way you show the main character as sinful is over the top and in your face, like, "see, this is sin!" It feels like you're trying to avoid him being sinful in the way we may consider sinful. The avoidance comes in him not really swearing, speaking out loud his "sinful" thoughts such as daisy dukes. He doesn't seem real; he seems like a prop for a soap-box message.
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