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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Strippers are People too Moderators: bert
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  Author    Strippers are People too  (currently 1218 views)
Don
Posted: December 9th, 2016, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Strippers are People too. by O'Shea Wright - Drama - A man who is against woman taking their clothes off for money, struggles to bring a stripper to realize that she is worth more than the job she endures on a daily basis.  But, the boss, he's not hearing that.  109 pages - pdf, format

production  Audio version available on YouTube - pdf, format

[b]New writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 17th, 2017, 12:04pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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O'Shea, just from the opening page  - this needs a lot of work.


Quoted Text
Strippers are People too. Copyright (c) 2014.
Written by O’Shea Wright.


Should be on the title page - not the first page of the script.


Quoted Text
FADE IN. INT - THE STRIP JOINT – MIDNIGHT.


Error in scene heading. Fade in should be on a separate line - need a period after INT.

From scrolling down, I could see many other errors in the scene headings.

The following action blocks are far too long, disorganized and written in passive voice.

I stopped.

So, you may have a great concept here - but you really need to do some research on script formatting, etc. You can do that by googling (e.g., how to write a scene heading) to looking at other scripts. But you simply are not ready in terms of structure. Hope this helps - best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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