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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Annabelle Moderators: bert
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  Author    Annabelle  (currently 886 views)
Posted: January 8th, 2018, 11:11pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Annabelle by Sheikh Jallow - Drama - Enslaved in a misogynistic Southern society, an enslaved woman must do whatever she can to survive. How far will she go?  110 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: January 9th, 2018, 12:14am Report to Moderator

Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hello Sheikh.

I've been away from this site for quite a while but I'll give this one a crack.

Off the bat, your slug is incorrect.  The time parameter is either day or night though I believe you can get away with sunrise/sunset if it's imperative to the timeline.  Also the "1980" is best written as a SUPER in a new line.

"We see" and "we hear" is unnecessary as we see and hear everything you describe in your action lines.  You'll also want to avoid any camera pans and whatnot as that's best left for the shooting script.  Your main concern is in the telling of the story.

The opening scene is a bit thick.  You could easily cut this in half and it would still retain the impact you're aiming for.

"CUT-TO" isn't needed.

"...burns dream-like."  Not sure what this means.

Same problems with the action lines in the second scene.  I recommend steering clear of wrylies in your dialogue.  Both of these can be better expressed through action than simply stating their attitudes and fixations.

The "CONTINUE" at the top and bottom of the adjoined pages are unnecessary as well.

That's what I've got for now.  Hopefully you'll chime in soon.  Good luck with it.


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Posted: January 9th, 2018, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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If I were you, I'd change the title, or at least differentiate it from The Conjuring/Annabelle franchise. For example, I wouldn't write a script and then call it Rocky, even if it had nothing to do with boxing.

You probably couldn't afford to fight Warner's legal team. Just my two cents.

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