SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 28th, 2021, 3:52pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice of the Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Annabelle Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Annabelle  (currently 886 views)
Don
Posted: January 8th, 2018, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15060
Posts Per Day
1.99
Annabelle by Sheikh Jallow - Drama - Enslaved in a misogynistic Southern society, an enslaved woman must do whatever she can to survive. How far will she go?  110 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
RegularJohn
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 12:14am Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
279
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hello Sheikh.

I've been away from this site for quite a while but I'll give this one a crack.

Off the bat, your slug is incorrect.  The time parameter is either day or night though I believe you can get away with sunrise/sunset if it's imperative to the timeline.  Also the "1980" is best written as a SUPER in a new line.

"We see" and "we hear" is unnecessary as we see and hear everything you describe in your action lines.  You'll also want to avoid any camera pans and whatnot as that's best left for the shooting script.  Your main concern is in the telling of the story.

The opening scene is a bit thick.  You could easily cut this in half and it would still retain the impact you're aiming for.

"CUT-TO" isn't needed.

"...burns dream-like."  Not sure what this means.

Same problems with the action lines in the second scene.  I recommend steering clear of wrylies in your dialogue.  Both of these can be better expressed through action than simply stating their attitudes and fixations.

The "CONTINUE" at the top and bottom of the adjoined pages are unnecessary as well.

That's what I've got for now.  Hopefully you'll chime in soon.  Good luck with it.

-Johnny


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
ChrisBodily
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 2:12am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
534
Posts Per Day
0.21
If I were you, I'd change the title, or at least differentiate it from The Conjuring/Annabelle franchise. For example, I wouldn't write a script and then call it Rocky, even if it had nothing to do with boxing.

You probably couldn't afford to fight Warner's legal team. Just my two cents.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006