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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Sheean Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sheean  (currently 2408 views)
Don
Posted: February 20th, 2018, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sheean by Patrick Gillespie  - Drama, War, True Story - When an Australian warship is torpedoed during WWII, a young Navy Seaman takes extreme action in an attempt to save his shipmates. 94 pages

contest: Finalist in the Military Script Showcase 2019 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (13 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 6th, 2020, 2:13pm
revised draft
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
A Young man Joins the Australian Navy during World War Two. Will the Sacrifices made, for the greater good be enough.


Hi Patrick, I started reading this and so far it looks like it will be an interesting story. The characters seem very authentic. I do get quite distracted by the typos, maybe because i'm really bad at them myself so that when I see them it takes me right out. If you fix those it will be quite a bit easier to get people to concentrate on the story.

For a couple of examples, look at the logline. I'm not sure why "Young", "Joins" and "Sacrifices" are capitalized. The comma in the second sentence seems oddly placed and there should be a question mark.

Since I personally make so many typos myself and never seem to catch them all I find three things help me. 1) Copy and paste the script into Word. It's not perfect, but the spell and grammar check find way more errors than Final Draft does. 2) Listen to the script in the Final Draft voice tool, you will catch a lot that way. 3) read it out loud yourself.

I'll try to read more, I'm interested to see where it goes.

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eldave1
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Patrick - read a few pages.

Impression - dialogue is generally real solid.

You obviously know the details of the story/the ship/military, etc.

Your expertise made the read "thick" for me since I didn't understand many of the terms. Not sure if that is a problem or not - guess what I'm saying is that unless someone who is really familiar with this topic reads it, it may be too confusing. Will give some brief examples later.


Quoted Text
EXT. HMAS ARMIDALE - AFT DECK - DAY

SUPER: “DECEMBER 1ST 1942”.

The Bathurst Class Corvette slowly churns it’s way through
the Arafura Sea. Steaming off the coast of Timor.


The SUPER needs to be superimposed over something. So it should go something like:

EXT. HMAS ARMIDALE - AFT DECK - DAY

The Bathurst Class Corvette slowly churns it’s way through
the Arafura Sea. Steaming off the coast of Timor.

SUPER: “DECEMBER 1ST 1942”.

Back to the technical issue - is anyone going to know what a "Bathurst Class Corvette" is?  And, you already referred to it as the Armidale. Maybe something like:

EXT. ARAFURA SEA/COST OF TIMUR - DAY

The HMAS Armidale (small, converted battleship) churns along the coastline.

SUPER: “DECEMBER 1ST 1942”.


Quoted Text
A young baby faced sailor EDWARD “TEDDY” SHEEAN (1 makes his way
back to the aft Oerlikon Gun.

NOTE: FROM THIS POINT ON, EDWARD “TEDDY” SHEEAN WILL BE
REFERRED TO AS TEDDY.


Why not just label him as Teddy from the start and lose the need for the note.

Oerlikon Gun is another one of those technical things. Why not just describe it - 20mm Mounted Cannon or something.


Quoted Text
The ships company man all of the action stations, their eyes
scanning the sky for enemy Aircraft.
Teddy arrives at the aft Oerlikon Gun, checks the magazine
and replaces it with a full one. Manning the Gun is Able
Seaman JACK DUCKWORTH (20)

TEDDY
How much bloody longer do we need
to be on station for?

JACK DUCKWORTH
Give it a bloody rest Teddy, it’s
dam hot enough. I don’t want to
hear you bleating on about it all
day.


So, you're going to have a lot of characters to deal with and readers are going to have a hard time remembering which is which. It may help if you use their titles. e.g.,

Rather than JACK DUCKWORTH in the dialogue. Maybe SEAMAN DUCKWORTH. Same approach with members of the crew intro'd  later on.


Quoted Text
The ships bell begins to RING out, the Morse Code Letter “A”.
One dot and one dash. The signal for action stations to
“fight the ship” against an Air Attack.


A bit of an unfilmable here.

Anyway - I think you're a solid writer. I just got lost in the technical aspects of it. Could just be me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Patrick
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback eldave1,
There are a lot of technical aslects, I will pear it back on my next re-write. And try to srike a balance where any potential producer will have a clear and concise immage without been overwhelmed with the technical issues.
With the huge amount of research I have, I did end up with a large cast. I normally don't like a big cast of chacracters. I think I can cull a few, keep it to a centeral core.
I used 20mm Oerlikon cannon as that is historically accurate for the Armidale.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Yes - the level of research you did shows and I do respect that.


Quoted Text
I used 20mm Oerlikon cannon as that is historically accurate for the Armidale.


Actually - you used Oerlikon gun - which I had to Google. What you have above 20mm Oerlikon Cannon is better since now I know what type of gun


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Patrick
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks eldave1 I will use 20mm Oerlikon Cannon. As it is a better choice. Appreciate the feedback.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JordanB
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Good story you have there. To me, Teddy comes across as a likeable, family orientated character who grows into his own as the story progresses. Well done on this. And I particularly enjoyed the tension with the Japanese aircraft. I suggest a polish to eliminate the typos
Example.  "Were going to War" should be  "We're going to war" - page 8. Also, Darwin is capitalised etc etc... One question - With this story being of large budget, how will you be trying to market it?
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Patrick
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JordanB, thanks for the comment. I wanted to write a true story for a long time, but finding something was the hard part. Also WW2 is in my wheelhouse. The story of Edward "Teddy" Sheean is not as widely known as it should be. I hope should it ever be made, this would change that. The 6th draft is coming soon after I send it to a professional proofreading service. As for budget concerns, my personal mantra is story, story , story comes first. Then let the bean counters figure that out. I can always make changes if I need to.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Draft 7


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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9th draft with a lot of re-writes.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
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Latest draft, with revisions and major re-writting. Apologies for the mixed up with a couple of scenes in the second act. Will fix shortly.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Forgive
Posted: July 8th, 2018, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Patrick, had a quick look at this ... there's quite a lot of it I'm not sure about, here's a couple of things that caught me:

- Teddy tosses the crust overboard - details, details; later you say four days and all he's had is a sandwich and a peach slice; food's therefore a precious resource, he should savour ever gram of that sandwich, coz you're saying something here - the intitial impression you're giving is that there's more than enough to food and he can be wasteful - moments like this, a sandwich when he's close to starving is something you should capture

- ships should be ship's (as a title is should be Ship Captain), second paragraph

- dialogue: Edward Sheean, But ... should be Edward Sheean, but

- I'm not buying the interaction bertween Teddy and Richards

- the planes scene just completely confused me. We have 13 planes high in the distance, 3 dive low, and they approach from North-East. So they've not changed direction from the others, right? They didn't turn or nothing? So the other ten planes, they're all coming from North-East, right? Aw, 3 coming from the west, okay, 3 from the 10, alrighty ... then 3 more from the South-East, so that's 9 of the little beggars ... um, and just wondering if these are all moving FROM NE, W, SE, respectively, then they're actually on a collision course ...

Soz, too many bugbears for me, but good luck with it.




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Patrick
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Hi Forgive,
The directions given are the same given by the survivors. Including David Richards in the Navy board of inquiry. Keep in mind the attacking aircraft would roll in one at a time. With sufficient spacing, the attack may seem all in at once. I don't think I need to write each little move a plane or bomber would make in the discription, That would add a lot of ink to the page. And would make it a lot to read.

I want to establish an emotional link between Teddy and David Richards from the start, so when Teddy dies at the end of the second act. The transition from one protagonist to the next is seamless. However keep Teddy in the mind of the reader/audience by frequently having the survivors talk about him.

The tossing of the sandwich is a device to illustrate Teddy's youth, the silly mistakes we have made when we were that young. And I think it shows Teddy's naivety, for an 18 year old. You can see it in his first few lines with Jack Duckworth. I reads like a kid having a winge. That's what I was going for. I want Teddy to have a strong arc that takes him from being a boy to a man, who gave everything for his shipmates. Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Forgive
Posted: July 8th, 2018, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Patrick, I get what your saying here, but just a word or two 'peel off, and approach north-west' keep the reader in the picture a little better.

I also get what you're saying with Teddy, and I'm not surprised you're coming from that angle, what I'm saying is that you're missing detail. The captain sees him throw the food over-board, the captain's peed with him for littering, but then the captain asks when he last ate ... links the details a little better, and to honest if you're adapting a true story, then you got to have some attention to detail, especially the emotional detail, coz it looks like that is what's going to make this piece work or fail
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Patrick
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Screenplay has made selection for military script showcase contest.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: February 28th, 2019, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Much congrats- best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 28th, 2019, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, fellow Aussie.


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Patrick
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Thanks, will keep you posted regardless of the outcome.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
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Placed eigth overall out of twelve finalist in Military Script Showcase, I am happy with that. Shows that my writing is on the right track. Onwards and upwards as they say.


Patrick J Gillespie

Revision History (1 edits)
Patrick  -  March 15th, 2019, 11:22am
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LC
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Good for you!


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eldave1
Posted: March 15th, 2019, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Atta go - nice job


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Patrick
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after several months away from writing I found my spark again. feels great to dive back in. I hope this latest offering of my long-term project will be a read you enjoy. (also I know the title page is not up to snuff, did that for a contest entry. next revision will be okay.)


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
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Hello fellow SS members,
I am seeking advice on weather to keep this script as is now, or to do some major re-writes. The reason is in it’s current format it would be costly in budget for production. However I was looking at keeping the action of the opening battle sequence, But the fate of teddy is not revealed until the 3rd act.  then it jumps forward to after the war.
Where Teddy’s  parents and a survivor are interviewed by a journalist from a newspaper. The story is told through the eyes of the survivor and the emotional impact as told by his parents.
This would reduce the cost of production and hopefully make it more appealing to a potential buyer.
Other action sequences would still be used as a way to show what is been told. However I don’t like to use flashbacks as that could be seen as lazy writing.
Any advice would be great.


Patrick J Gillespie
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Patrick
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Hello Don,
Hope you’re doing well in these crazy times. I would like to have my script “Sheean” removed from the site. I just found out that “Armidale” Which is very similar to mine is in Production. The writer of the other Screenplay commenced working on his in the early 2000’s, well before mine. At the time I had no idea. Even after an exhausting online search.
3 years of my work wasted. However that is how it goes.
To Paraphrase Dory from finding nemo. Just keep writing.
Regards
Patrick J Gillespie


Patrick J Gillespie
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Grandma Bear
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Sometimes there are a lot of posts to read through here. If you want your script removed from the SS server, it's best to pm Don, otherwise, he might not see your request on the boards.  


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Don
Posted: Yesterday, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Sometimes there are a lot of posts to read through here. If you want your script removed from the SS server, it's best to pm Don, otherwise, he might not see your request on the boards.  


Pia,

He did.  I asked him to post this on the boards to see if anyone had any thoughts on this.

Don



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