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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Past Life Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Past Life by Rob McNeil - Drama, Mystery - A loner college student is thrust into a dangerous investigation when he suspects his biological family may have been involved in his hometown's most notorious cold case. 94 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Rob: Issue to consider from the first half page.

-  You don't need the title at the top of the page - it's already on the Title Page.


Quoted Text
EXT. OLD LEWIS RESIDENCE - DAY.

A JUNKIE WOMAN (40’s) sits alone in a car, shuts off the
engine and sits in silence for a moment. Our focus is not on
her identity, but rather, what is she after?

She is a rough woman, and a junkie. That much is clear.


- Not sure this should be EXT since the scene is inside the car.
- Could be more efficient. You have sits twice, don't need alone.


Quoted Text
The Junkie Woman pushes the car door open, steps out, and
slams the door shut.


She's in stealth mode - would she really slam the door?


Quoted Text
She slowly creeps up toward the house.
The Junkie Woman is holding a large, sharp kitchen knife.


Creeps and slowly really both the same (one doesn't creep fast) and again - could be more efficient. Also, I think it reads better by eliminating the ing words - i.e., she holds rather than she is holding. Reads more active that way. e.g.,

She creeps toward the house, a large, sharp kitchen knife in hand.


Quoted Text
She briskly stomps up the yard towards the front door.


Confused - she was creeping and now stomping?


Quoted Text
INT. OLD LEWIS RESIDENCE - CONTINUOUS.


Don't need continuous - it's implied. Just use DAY


Quoted Text
The Woman carefully enters home brandishing a knife.


Carefully enters - a little vague. Maybe slips in.


Quoted Text
She is tiptoeing upstairs. After gliding through the
hallway, she carefully peeks through crack of door.


ing word again. Reads better as...she tiptoes up the stairs, glides through the hallway...


Quoted Text
EXT. GIRLS’ ROOM - LEWIS RESIDENCE - CONTINUOUS.


INT not EXT. Don't need continuous. This is also a good place to use a mini slug since you are already in the house and it's just a different room. I would just go with:

She tiptoes up the stairs, glides through the hallway and stops at a door. She peers into

GIRL'S ROOM


Quoted Text
Three little girls are playing with dolls in the kids’
bedroom through the crack in the doorway.

The three daughters are all laughing, giggling, chatting
indistinctly.


Again - ing words slow this down. Also - GIRLS should be capped and we need to know a little about their ages. e.g., ALso - they are not playing in the crack of the doorway (as written). They are being viewed from there. It should be something like:

She tiptoes up the stairs, glides through the hallway and stops at a slightly ajar door. She peers into a

GIRL'S ROOM

And spots three GIRLS (5, 7 and nine). They giggle and chat as they play with dolls.

The above issues are throughout.

Like the premise here a lot - needs tidying up script wise IMO. Hope this helps.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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