Here is my page by page notes as I wrote them down while reading your screenplay:
4 p.---
Parenthetical (serious) can be omitted without loosing anything. We know that general is serious; it’s clear from his dialog.
9 p.---
MARK
Yeah, right, he cost me 4 hours in
Bella. We’ll get him after
midnight.
MARK: “Yeah… We’ll get him tonight.” Sounds to me shorter, sharper and less on the nose.
9 p.---
“Alan caress Mark’s head. With a trembled voice…”
Should not be Steven’s head?
11 p.---
They rape Alan? I thought it would be GP rated screenplay… As an unproduced screenwriter, I try to write a movie that would be viewed by as many people as possible. This rape scene will significantly reduce the tickets sale. And, the producers will not be happy.
14 p.---
MIKE (CONT’D)
OK then, you are the boss. I’ll
send this as soon I get back home.
Same thing here; you can remove last sentence without losing anything.
18 p.---
PAUL
I don’t think the Russians do care
about 10k per year.
Looks like Paul doesn’t know Russians well😊 10k is a good money in Russia. They would care, believe me. I was born in USSR.
29 p.---
“Mr Roberts places the cheque onto is desk.”
Missing H: “his desk.”
29 p.---
MR ROBERTS (CONT’D)
KIDS, THESE TWO GENTLEMEN HAVE
BROUGHT SOME NEW PUZZLES FOR YOU.
WHO WANTS TO PLAY WITH THEM?
Why is it all capitals?
30 p.---
“Paul looks tpwards Steven once again.”
“towards” - A couple of typos are maybe okay, but I’ve already noticed more than a couple and I’m not yet in the middle of the story… they are distractions that can turn good stories less enjoyable.
34 p.---
“MR ANDERSON
It’s settled then. I’ll contact you
when when the report is ready.
However, I’m sure Nick will know
the details first.”
Another distraction: double when.
And, I did not get the purpose of this scene. Hopefully, I’ll do soon.
38 p.---
“All 5 of them head to the kitchen.”
Who’s the fifth one? We only see 4 of them entering kitchen.
Also, what are “weird transparent contact lenses-alike things”?
40 p.---
TRAVIS
OK BOYS, FINISH UP YOUR BREAKFAST!
TIME TO GO OUT AND PLAY!
Okay, now I get it: you are capitalizing the dialog if a person is shouting. But, you don’t need to capitalize it: We know that he’s shouting. I have seen in the screenplays, some of the writers capitalize one or two words to emphasize them, but I have never seen whole dialog being capitalised. My self, I always underline them (words, not hole dialog)...
Looks like lenses-alike things are some kind of spy devices. Would be better if you tell it right away. As a screenwriter, you should make clear everything for a reader. It’s a director’s job to keep the audience guessing.
46 p.---
Anderson and Atkinson… John and Josh… these similar names are distracting me. You should try to avoid them.
58 p.---
I think first question Paul should ask is: “Does CIA know that HoA is abusing children?” I expected him to ask this question, but… He doesn’t…
60 p.---
Now, Josh is referred as Husky. You have to state the character’s true name right from the introduction to avoid the confusion.
As I stated above: it’s a director’s job to confuse the audience. As a writer, you should be a crystal clear. On page 35 you describe Husky like this:
“Their kid is a stocky 15 years old boy named Josh, with a
characteristic eye heterochromia.”
The proper way would be something like this:
HUSKY “JOSH” is a stocky 15 years old boy, with a heterochromia: one blue and one green eye.
Then, every time we see him, you should always refer him by the same name: as Husky.
62 p.---
Jenifer Perkins must be in capital letters. The first time appeared characters must be in caps always.
H! must be Hi!
64 p.---
Ofthen, you are describing people to be “serious…” and it is getting annoying. In a drama, we assume the characters to be serious.
65 p.---
Paul says that CIA knows about HoA abusing children. You have to make it clear for a reader that CIA really knows that in HoA, they are raping the children.
But, why would CIA let it happen?
JENNIFER PERKINS
I can only imagine your way Mr
Rooz. I’m sure you’re talking about
the Constel way.
What’s the Constel way?
73 p.---
Seeing Barry, Travis and Parker in the container is very satisfying ending. Good job!
Also, I like to see Hellen, Paul and Steven together. Hell done!
Plot:
A young autistic boy, used by CIA as a decoder, is kept in a horrible, abusive HoA institution. The boy is saved by a main protagonist who has lost his autistic son 5 years earlier.
The plot is pretty straightforward and interesting. Autistic characters always touch the audience’s sentimental feelings and they make deep, dramatic impacts on the viewers.
I did not find any big holes in the plot. Usually, first screenplays are renowned for that. My first screenplay had so many holes that I did not finish it
Only thing that kept me wondering was: why would CIA let its valuable asset, like Steven, to live in such a horrible condition?
I would give it 3 stars out of five.
Characters:
There was a nice chemistry going on between Paul and Hellen. It was nice to see all of them (Paul, Steven and Hellen) together in the end.
Husky, Alan, Nick… there were a lot of good characters that the audience would have care about. And, obviously, you had many “bad boys” too that the audience would have hate!
Unfortunately, there were too many characters. That’s why there was not enough room to develop all of them in same extent.
3 out of 5
Dialog:
Most of the dialog was okay. You had some of them that could be shortened, or even eliminated altogether, but in general, considering that it’s your first screenplay, I found them satisfactory.
I would give it also 3 out of 5.
Format:
The format was probably one of the easiest thing that you could and should have handle better.
Action lines were painfully long. If you had broke them down into 1, 2, or 3 liners, I would have had much better experience reading it.
Plus, the page count could go near 100 – a number that is more appropriate for a feature screenplay, than current 73.
Some of the characters were not properly introduced. Please see my page by page notes.
Also, a simple, easily avoidable grammatical errors slowed down my read.
3 – out of 5
All in all, I think you did a good job, considering it’s your first work. There is no doubt that you have a talent of a story teller but you need to pay more attention to the grammar and the format.
And, you need to read a lot of screenplays!
Now, what I would have change in the story if it was my screenplay?
I would definitely a. --- remove the rape scenes, and…
b. --- I would give a good explanation why CIA keeps Steven in HoA.
Hope, my review was helpful.
I wish you best.
Sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.
Datha