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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Africa Moderators: bert
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  Author    Africa  (currently 99 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Africa by Zapryan Tolev - Drama, Adventure - In an attempt to escape his old life, an angry man decides to build a boat by himself and sail away into the open ocean, which takes him to Africa, where he forms an unusual bond with a lion. 110 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marcela
Posted: October 31st, 2018, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zapryan,
You need more original title. There has been a film called Africa, there’s been even a song called Africa.
I like your slug line and I would love to see a film about a man and a lion!
I like the flow of the script. No complicated sentences, it reads easily.
Some action lines could be changed so that you show rather than tell. For example ‘Wade's words make James angry.’ It could be  ‘Wade’s eyebrows narrow, his face reddens…’
I would omit the action line ‘Wade yells angrily.’ I would put it as parenthetical,

Wade
(yells)

I hope you know what I mean. No need to point out that he’s yelling angrily as people don’t yell calmly.
I like the script, may come back and read it all.
Marcela


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