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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Let Go Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 26th, 2018, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Let Go by Johann Vernillet - Drama - Jake finds that his best friend has trouble moving on from his accident and must make amends. - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 27th, 2018, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Johann

Based on this script, I have made the assumption that you are new to screenwriting. The writing itself is very amateurish - not meant as a negative, just an observation. So my comments will be based on this assumption.

There is a lot here that I could comment on, but I will see how active you are around here before I delve too deep.

Anyway

Positive first - Loved the story, not much more to say on that, got a real Dead Mans Shoes vibe to the vision of the friend. So well done.
Also well done on starting with shorts, very wise.

Right, onto the writing. I'll be brief for now.

Remember that this is a SCREEN play, you would do well to write visually - re-read it, and with every line think "how can this be shown on a screen" - you will see that a lot can be removed.

Example


Quoted Text
. He has been having these
dreams every night.


You are missing some slug lines (which, while i'm here, should indicate DAY/NIGHT etc). For example.


Quoted Text
EXT. FRONT YARD
ADAM and JAKE get into the car and drive to the store. They
arrive at the store.


The slugline puts us in the front yard, but the action below has us in a car journey, then pulling up outside a shop with no new sluglines. These should be used for all changes of location.

Another observation - show, don't tell

The best example of this in your story. is at the end. He takes him to a cemetery, and then tells him she is dead? why not just show us the grave with her name on the stone?

The dialogue doesn't quite work for me either, but as I have presumed you are new to this, it comes from practice. best way to work on it is to read it out loud (preferably to friends/family) to get a feel of what is natural.

I'll end there.

Anyway, like I said, I really liked the story. Good job on getting a story down.

Best of luck

Matt


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