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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Full Circle Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 26th, 2019, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Full Circle by Shane Bebe - Drama - A young man who has avoided committments for most of his life is confronted with a dramatic situation which starts a chain of events that causes him to alter his life and feelings.  104 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi Shane

Well done for hammering out a feature - Not an easy task.

I don't have time to read the whole thing unfortunately - but I've had a flick through to see if I can point out some basic things to help you tidy it up a bit in the hope that it will garner you more reads.

I have a thing about consistency - If someone formats something badly, but keeps it consistent throughout the whole piece, it's not so bad - a simple case of learning the preferred way.

When it is formatted badly inconsistently, strikes me as more of a problem. It means they are not careful enough with the small details - which makes me think, are they careful with the big details?

In this case I refer to your sluglines - below are examples of what you have
"EXT. BALI MOTEL FRONT ENTRY-DAY"
"INT. CHARLIES MOTEL ROOM,CONTINUOUS"
"EXT, STREET BEND-NIGHT."
"EXT. TIMBILLIKA STREETS- AFTERNOON"

See all the different variations of format? I would suggest learning the preferred may of doing it, then keep it consistent.

Some other things in there that are considered amateur mistakes and may put of potential readers:

"We see" - A quick search and this phrase appears 87 times. This phrase is redundant, it's film, we see everything. Don't worry, almost every writer does this when they start out. easily fixed
"Seen" - appears 57 times, same as above comment.

"-ing" words - There's a term for them, I don't know what it is. Anyway, try and avoid these - for example "Tim is flying over the mountain" reads better as "Tim flies over the mountain"

Beats - Whether you use them is obviously up to you, personally I think they are distracting and pull the reader out of the story - I mention them here because I don't believe you are formatting them correctly so I would look that up.

The things mentioned above are not major issues - can be cleared up in a quick rewrite.
but when they appear in abundance (like in this script) they may put off readers and land the script in the PASS pile before the reader has a chance to delve into the story.
So to give the story the best possible chance to stand out, might be worth sorting out.

Hope it helps. Good luck to you.

Oh, side note, I would also work on the logline - This will be the first thing people read and you want it to draw people in. The second half of your logline could be applied to almost every story, you're basically just telling us story structure "A dramatic event leads to changes and obstacles which changes the protaganist" - make it more specific to your story, tease the reader into opening it.

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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