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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Thirty-Three Cecils Moderators: bert
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  Author    Thirty-Three Cecils  (currently 146 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2019, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Thirty-Three Cecils by Everett De Morier - Drama - In 1992 - when Amy Fisher dominated every news channel - there lived two men. The first was a once prominent cartoonist who had a very public fall from grace. The other was an alcoholic who worked in a landfill. Both lived in in different parts of the country and led completely separate lives - until their paths crossed. You know their names. And for over twenty years, you thought you knew their story - until their journals were found and authenticated in 2014. And what we thought we knew - what the old news clips and the old stories wanted us to think - were all wrong. 124 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: August 21st, 2019, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Everett: The log line really needs work - way to long and is confusing (e.g., I don't know their names and have no idea what they have to do with Amy Fisher).  

Read the first five of the script. Overall, it strikes me as written by someone who can write - but needs a little work on learning screen-writing conventions.

Lost the we sees and the we hears wherever you can. They take the reader out of the story.

e.g., This:


Quoted Text
FADE IN:

From the black we hear the sound of pulling tape from a
cardboard box.



Cam simply be:

OVER BLACK

FADE IN:

The RIPPING sound of tape being pulled from a
cardboard box.

(Also - you don't really FADE IN to a black screen).

And this:


Quoted Text
INT. CHRIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT

We see CHRIS' bedroom, filled with vintage computers, VCRs,
vintage game systems, etc.


The We See is totally unnecessary.  Of course we see it. Just go with:

INT. CHRIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT

Filled with vintage computers, VCRs,
vintage game systems, etc.

Anyway - seems to be a problem throughout.


Quoted Text
ARLENE, a woman in her 70s, pulls the cardboard flaps back,
revealing that the camera viewpoint is from the inside of the
box. ARLENE looks inside, as she pushes the flaps back
closed.


Two things here - you don't need to say a woman - we know if from the name - just ARLENE (70s) gets it done. Also - you only CAP the character name when first introduced - not every time afterwards. You make this same mistake with Chris.


Quoted Text
EXT. KELLERMAN FRONT YARD, LAWN SALE - DAY

A busy yard sale is going on. CHRIS, a college student, opens
the box and looks inside.


a "college student" is an unfilmable - i.e., how do you film that he is a college student???

Need something like CHRIS (22), Harvard sweatshirt, .....

Overall, you strike me as a solid story teller that just needs a little more work on the conventions of screen writing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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