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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Third Week of July Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Third Week of July by Firat Ersen - Drama - "Third week of July" tells the story of a man creating his chance to get a fresh start at his failed romantic relationships. He knows what went wrong the first time. This time, he has everything he needs, to be happy. 99 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 10th, 2019, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi Firat

I have only read the first page as it is clear you need to do some more study/research of the craft, but below are a few tips/general rules to get you started.

EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - this is the proper formatting for scene headers


Quoted Text
(1)A cozy restaurant under trees. (2)Friday night. All tables are
full. (3) The restaurant is in a neighborhood where it feels safe
to be drinking alcohol in a Muslim country. Enver and Deniz
are sitting in a small table. Enver is a good looking guy,
good haircut, looks fit, hiding a beer belly. He is a charmer
and (4) being funny is how he can acquaints with new people.
Deniz is a charming woman. (5) Early twenties, confident and very
outgoing. They have small plates of Turkish appetizers (meze)
in front of them. (6) They are drinking Rakı, a traditional
Turkish drink.


(1) Repeating the scene heading in the first line is considered a waste of words - we are aiming to tell as much as we can, in as few words as possible - so repeating ourselves is counterproductive.

(2) This information isn't communicated with the audience - film is visual, unless a character, or a prop or a SUPER tells us what day it is, the audience won't know - Also, is it relevant? is the day of the week important to this scene?

(3) This is referred to as an "unfilmable" - how do we (the audience) know this information? use the adage "show don't tell". At the moment, we don't know we are in a Muslim country and how do we know this is a safe area to drink alcohol?

(4) see above. many new writers just tell their characters traits and personalities, rather than show. Show him being funny and using humour to engage with strangers. (if you do that later in the story, great! but still, refrain from just telling us these things)

(5) Much tidier, and less space-consuming, to put ages in brackets - (21)

(6) Is the drink they are having important? do we need to know it is a traditional Turkish drink? how will the audience know this is a traditional Turkish drink from this line?

This opening paragraph is 10 lines long - as a rule of thumb, description/action blocks shouldn't be longer than 4 lines (Or is it 3 lines? lets go with 3 lines) - but if you can do it in less the better.

Split the block up. New action = new line. remove the unfilmables. only put in what we NEED.

Script readers will skim read - seeing that massive block at the very beginning will undoubtedly lead to them passing on it and moving onto the next

Good luck to you in your writing

Matt


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