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  Author    Blood Money  (currently 1095 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2020, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood Money by Matthew Gayles - Drama, Crime - A Detroit criminal named Frank Martin moves down south with six figures in stolen mob money. On the way there, he stops in Georgia, where two locals rob him, kill his partner and leave him for dead. Now the only thing on Frank's mind is revenge. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MGayles
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Willing to read anyone's script and comment on it, in exchange for feedback.
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spesh2k
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'll give your script a look today at some point... I have a script called "Honey Mustard" under the horror feature section. A new draft was just updated by Don.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MGayles
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Okay Thanks. I'm reading Honey Mustard right now.
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spesh2k
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Cool, I just got one script to finish reading before I get to yours.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: April 30th, 2020, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, just finished this up. It was well-written enough, though it could definitely use some polishing and written more effectively so that we can visualize things better while moving at the pace of a film. Some typos, commas missing in dialogue, etc. That can easily be fixed up by combing through this carefully.

I kept thinking of Jason Statham from the "Transporter" movies -- his character's name was Frank Martin.

The story really isn't there yet. First off, there's nothing here that makes it stand out from any other film about a sum of money that's been stolen or missing -- "Knockaround Guys", "A Simple Plan", etc. I liked the villain, Clayton's intro with him hunting a human being. But after that, he's no longer interesting, he's just another generic drug lord who says evil things. The main problem was with your protagonist... he comes to this small town and endangers all these innocent people's lives, making it very hard to root for the guy. He has a clear arch, but through the journey of his arch, I kinda wanted him to die. Every decision he made seemed to be really dumb yet he's supposed to be this great, mastermind thief. And he thinks he's being slick, which was annoying. He's trying to play the part of a dead man, yet he's making friends all over town, randomly helping a bar from selling to some guy named Vance (who's never mentioned again) and then he's dating the ex wife of the guy he wants to kill... in this very small town where everyone seems to know everyone else. It's just really, really sloppy. And then you introduce these elements that could and should have played a part in bringing more conflict into the story -- you want to throw every obstacle possible at your protagonist. Many of those obstacles are self-inflicted by Frank, himself. Just by walking around in public, putting lives in danger.

One of these elements you introduce with absolutely no pay off -- Frank stole the money from a mafia guy. If the mafia guys came into town, this would've made this story soooo much more interesting instead of this needless back and forth of Frank looking for Bud (when he saw him at the funeral and could have easily just followed him home and killed him -- movie over). Then Bud looking for Frank. There's too many scenes where the characters are just talking through everything with no conflict. Another element you introduce with no payoff is that Clayton has cops on payroll... yet we never see any of that. Between the possibility of the mafia looking for Frank, the cops working under Clayton, this could've been a really, fun, complex story with some awesome twists and turns. But the characters just kinda sleep walk through their scenes, especially Frank, explaining EVERYTHING about his past life to strangers, things we already know as an audience, more conversations that go nowhere. And Clayton disappears for pretty much the whole story and then kills Bud (for reasons I'm not sure of).

And, back to Frank, there's nothing interesting about this guy. He loses money, makes some wise cracks here and there, and that's about it. The premise overall and the character we're suppose to like are so vanilla -- except that maybe Frank's main character trait is that he's an idiot pretty much who makes terrible decisions. And that's not the type of guy I want to root for.

The same with the Judy character, she seems to complain about this Bud guy so much yet Frank is a criminal, too. And he TELLS her that he's a criminal and that he wants to kill Bud... and she lets this guy hang out with her and her daughter? I kinda wanted her to die, too. Just stupid decisions.

Overall, I'd consider going through the outline again and maybe adding more conflict and obstacles -- possibly with the mafia looking for their money. And I'd try to make Frank less willing to make buds with everybody. The guy's trying to hide for Christ sake. Why would he be out and about? Don't TRY to make him likable... make him likable, if that makes sense. Him helping out with the bar just feels like you're trying really hard to get us to like him when it feels really, really forced and kinda makes me dislike the character even more. Especially when he keeps saying, "You owe me one" to all these innocent people. Everybody all around in this makes really dumb decisions.

(CONT'D)


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
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(CONT'D)

Just some notes as I was reading, more detailed notes:  

At the beginning, there's so much dialogue about how the south is so much different than Detroit and the locals guessing he's from up north and him saying "What gave it away?" It just got repetitive.

PAGE 1-5: I think this can be shortened by a page or two. It's a long scene. You can get across that they're from Michigan and that they're in the South in less pages than 5. And this kinda sounds like forced exposition. Did they just arrive in Georgia? Because this sounds like a conversation they would've had already, before grabbing a bite to eat. Maybe you can have the waitress be polite to them. After she leaves:

FRANK
Everyone's so polite.

MIKE
Southern hospitality. Far cry from Detroit.

And that's it. You can have the thing about the Baptist churches and the Korean thing, but I'm sure this can be 3 pages, easily.

PAGE 15: Why would Ray lie about shooting Frank? Seems stupid of him. But that could be by design.

PAGE 18:


Quoted Text
DETECTIVE
Well when you're done, you take your
friends ashes and scatter them
somewhere far away from here. This is
a peaceful town. Let's keep it that
way.


You have him as Detective Malone everywhere else.

PAGE 23: Bud and Ray aren't worried about the cops? They shot a guy in an open field and just left him there. And then another guy (at least one of them thinks so), in the woods. Especially in a "small town" as they say, you'd think it'd be easier to notice. And wouldn't Clayton be concerned? Especially hearing Bud and Ray killed the guy?

PAGE 31:


Quoted Text
INT. RAY'S TRAILER - DAY

When Frank enters the TRAILER.


I've noticed that you do this often -- repeating the location in action when it's already in the scene heading. All you need to say is "Frank grimaces in disgust upon entry, covering his nostrils..."

PAGE 34: When you take us to a flashback, you need to indicate when that flashback is over.

PAGE 40: Why wouldn't Ray just follow Bud? Instead of Judy? And he gets caught in a lie and then tries asking out Judy. Seems like he's going pretty out of his way when he could've just followed Bud.

PAGE 42:


Quoted Text
INT. CLOTHES STORE - DAY
Frank wearing new clothes, looks at himself in new clothes in a
vertical mirror.


You mention "new clothes" twice in the same sentence.

And wouldn't Judy be suspicious of Frank? Especially when she's the one who brought up Ray's brake lines malfunctioning?

PAGE 45: I'm confused... so Judy knows that Frank cut out Ray's brakes? He mentions "dining with the enemy".

PAGE 47: Why is Frank so trusting with Judy? For all he knows, she could be playing him.

PAGE 50: A little late to introduce a B story into this with Vance. This should've been done earlier, or at least alluded to. Maybe Jason mentions that they have to close the bar soon earlier in the story. I dunno. And why is Frank doing this, anyway? Because he's a good guy? A "Save the Cat" moment? It just doesn't seem like something he'd do. I guess he's falling in love with the town? And why would this Vance guy agree to this with a complete stranger... with no proof that he has money? And why would Ray out himself as a great thief? The story's really getting more contrived and convoluted as it continues.

PAGE 54: Everyone in this small town seems to be a criminal or gangster.

PAGE 55: Again, when the flashback is over, you need to indicate that.

PAGE 56:


Quoted Text
FRANK
Because you see me for exactly what I
am. A criminal.

JASON
It's kind of obvious. Otherwise, how
would you get twenty grand?


Well, Frank literally just said he was a great criminal in front of everybody a few scenes ago. Of course it's obvious.

PAGE 57:


Quoted Text
FRANK
And when they came looking for it we
headed down south to Florida where
they wouldn't find us. But along the
way, we ran into two guys named Bud
Marvin and Ray Turner. They robbed
us. And Ray killed Mike.

JASON
So that's why you were looking for a
guy named Ray. Did you ever find him?

FRANK
No. He died in a car accident before
I got to him.


I know he's spilling his guts to another character, but we, the audience, already know this. This whole scene feels like a great time for a bathroom break. Nothing is really accomplished in this scene outside of just repetition. And there's no conflict at all in this scene -- every scene should have some kind of conflict in it. You should have Jason ask him about Ray. He gave him information on the guy and he's dead -- should've been in the papers. Especially in a small town, Jason should've known this, especially suspecting right off the bat that Frank was some kind of criminal.

PAGE 58: Wow, Frank is a terrible human being, getting a young college kid involved in this. If he's such a great thief, why can't he just pull this off himself?

PAGE 60:


Quoted Text
FRANK
Big Jay?

Frank writes that name down on a sheet of paper.


Why would he need to write down the name "Big Jay"? Pretty easy to remember. There aren't exactly a ton of other names he's had to memorize.

PAGE 64: What on Earth would compel Jason to do this with the hooker? I get that he's trying to get Frank out of there, but I don't really see how that would help.

PAGE 65:


Quoted Text
FRANK
That was good thinking. How'd you
come up with Vanessa?


Really? Didn't seem slick to me. Felt like a pretty stupid thing that could have easily gotten both of them killed.

PAGE 70: Yeah, I just don't buy this Judy/Frank relationship. It's really sloppy on Frank's part. And why is Judy still seeing him knowing what's going on? As she explained earlier, she has a daughter to look after. Just really stupid on both their parts. I kinda wanna see Frank get killed or maybe see Judy and Jason get killed so Frank can finally see how horrible of a person he is for getting them involved in this further.

PAGE 72:


Quoted Text
JUDY
Does he know you did it?

FRANK
He doesn't even know I'm alive. So
don't worry. I told you I wasn't
going to put you in harms way.


How does Frank know that Bud doesn't know that he's alive? Ray was the one who lied and said he killed Frank. Frank wasn't there to hear that lie. He fled the scene after shooting a Roman candle at the guy. For all he knows, Ray could've told Bud the truth. And, for such a small town, Frank seems to be very visible, making his presence known to strangers who could easily be connected to Clayton and Bud... that whole Vance thing at the bar is just one example.

PAGE 73: Frank literally just said he would do nothing to put Judy in harm's way yet... he wants to settle down with her? After all this? And possibly be seen with her in public? He already has put her in harm's way, but settling down with her will do that even more. What is he, stupid? He's gotta be the sloppiest criminal in the history of the world.

PAGE 74: Been seeing this throughout in dialogue -- it should be WE'RE not WERE. Also, a lot of commas missing where they should be.


Quoted Text
JUDY
I'm a parent. I don't have the luxury
of living in the present. And say we
do end up together. What do you think
will happen to me if you kill Bud?

FRANK
No one's gonna find out.

JUDY
In this little town, nothing's a
secret.


Frank really is an idiot. It's been made very clear throughout this script that this is a "little town". I hope he gets killed.

And Judy's not much better. Finally, she's saying that he should get the fuck outta dodge and that there are no secrets in this town -- yet, she's hanging out with the fucking guy at an outdoor barbecue!

PAGE 76 - 77: Clayton might be an idiot, too. He's got character, at least. But you'd think that when he brought up the money Bud and Ray took, he'd ask who Frank took the money from and suspect that guy -- and Bud knows it's the mafia because Frank and Mike told him flat out that they stole the money from the mafia.

PAGE 77:


Quoted Text
CLAYTON
I want you to hit the streets. Find
the hole this son of a bitch is
hiding in and drag him out. And when
you do, you make him suffer.


Again, doesn't feel like he's hiding. Hanging out with Bud's ex wife/baby's daddy.

PAGE 78: Bud is at the door... no shit?

PAGE 79:


Quoted Text
JUDY
Oh, okay. So are you going to kill
him?

BUD
You bet I am.

Bud goes for a kiss, Judy dodges it.

JUDY
What are you doing?


Strange timing for an attempt at a kiss. "Yeah, I'm gonna kill this dude"... then a kiss?

PAGE 81:

Well, Bud's a bit of a simpleton.


Quoted Text
BUD
See I knew something was up when Ray
came back to the truck and his face
was all burnt up. How did you think
of shooting him in the face with a
firework?

FRANK
I like to think on my feet.


He acts like this was the work of a genius, shooting a man in the face with a Roman candle.

PAGE 81:

So, they're taking Frank out to a lake to kill him? Didn't he literally just shoot Mike in the middle of an open field? And not dispose of a body? This just feels like you're taking an easy route for your protagonist to get away. Bud would've killed him right there.

And doesn't Clayton have cops on his payroll (which makes me think that cop who questioned Frank earlier will have some inclusion in the ending)?

PAGE 82:


Quoted Text
INT. MOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Bud and Rico enter the lobby and approach the MANAGER at the
desk.

MOTEL MANAGER
Can I help you?

BUD
Were looking for someone. A guy named
Frank Martin.


Not a great transition from Frank swimming away, Bud inside a boat with a hole in it. The next scene, Bud and Rico are at the motel... not soaked or anything. Wouldn't they search for him on shore? Just like that, Frank swims so fast that Bud can't catch up with him? I feel like there was a scene deleted or something.

PAGE 84:


Quoted Text
INT. FRANK'S CAR - NIGHT
Miles away from the Motel, Frank's car sits idle in a parking
lot. Frank pulls the seat back and closes his eyes. A few
seconds later he wakes back up and drives away.


How do we see on screen that he's miles away from the motel? And he just pulls the seat back, closes his eyes, takes a 2 second nap and then wakes up?

EXT. VACANT PARKING LOT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Frank's car sits alone, parked.

INT. FRANK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Frank kills the engine, the headlights. Then leans back in his seat, shuts his eyes.

AN HOUR LATER

Frank opens his eyes.


Not sure if now would be a great time for a nap.

PAGE 85:


Quoted Text
FRANK
I'm in trouble.

JASON
I can tell. You look like shit. Are
you wet?

FRANK
I was. And now I need a place to
stay.

JASON
Damnit Frank.

FRANK
Don't worry. It's not the cops.

JASON
It's probably someone worse isn't it?

FRANK
It's complicated.


How is it complicated? He told Jason pretty much everything. And "Don't worry, it's not the cops" sounds like a dumb thing to say. Why would Jason worry that it's the cops?

PAGE 86:


Quoted Text
JASON
Frank I don't know. This is the
second time you've put me in a bad
position like this.

FRANK
You guys owe me remember?


How do they owe Frank? Jason helped him get the money and bailed him out of that situation. There needs to be more outlining done for this story and the character's decisions to make sense.

PAGE 90: I'm not buying this romance story with Frank and Judy. It happens so quickly, without any emotion, and now he's asking her to leave town with him? There's no scenes where Frank is interacting with her daughter (have we even seen her?). And he cares about them so much that he wants to take them away from all this? Does Frank have any clue whatsoever how terrible of a person he is, getting all these innocent people involved?

And the fact that Judy is even considering this, knowing about Frank's past and what he got himself mixed up in, just shows how much of a moron she is. I hate all of these characters!

PAGE 92:


Quoted Text
FRANK
I tried. But when Mike died I fell
back into old habits. All I want now
is peace.


Old habits? How old are these habits? They stole money from the mafia not that long ago, as far as I know. Which is why he's in Georgia... hiding.

This whole conversation is all over the place -- first Frank is trying to convince her that he could take care of her and her daughter and then, in the same conversation with absolutely no turning point, he says how he's a bad guy? And then accepts that he's not the right man for her?

PAGE 95: I'm noticing consistently that the timing is off with a lot of the action and the dialogue.

For instance:


Quoted Text
CLAYTON (CONT'D)
You know what I love most about
hunting? The prey never realizes it's
prey.

Clayton FIRES. ONE SHOT, right through the heart. The accuracy
of an expert marksman. The deer falls down.


Then, after they check out the deer, he shoots Bud. When he should've turned the rifle to Bud and shot him right after the "The prey never realizes it's prey" line while Bud thinks he's about to shoot the deer.

PAGE 97:

CLAYTON (PHONE)
I had it under control before you
came into town and fucked everything
up.

It should be --

CLAYTON (VO)
(filtered)

Also, how did he have it under control? Bud and Ray owed him money and were considering fleeing town.

PAGE 102: I like the call back to the wobbly stool.

PAGE 105:


Quoted Text
RAY
But don't tempt me.


Think you meant Rico.

PAGE 106: So, Frank has Judy shoot a guy? Okay...

And then Rico and the other dude just run around Frank? Very anticlimactic. As was Clayton's death. I never felt anybody was in real danger, they seemed to get killed pretty easily.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MGayles
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1. I think you meant Frank. Ray is dead by page 40.
2. The line about the cop was just ...a line, not a plot point. Any crime boss would bribe a few cops.
3. Jason would worry it's the cops because Frank is a crook.
4. He wrote down the dealers name on the paper and used it to turn Bud against him.
5. I think rooting for protagonists is overrated. I never intended to make him likable.
6. Jason figured out Frank was a criminal way the fuck before he admitted it.
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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
1. I think you meant Frank. Ray is dead by page 40.
2. The line about the cop was just ...a line, not a plot point. Any crime boss would bribe a few cops.
3. Jason would worry it's the cops because Frank is a crook.
4. He wrote down the dealers name on the paper and used it to turn Bud against him.
5. I think rooting for protagonists is overrated. I never intended to make him likable.
6. Jason figured out Frank was a criminal way the fuck before he admitted it.


RE #3 - Yeah, I get that, but the cops seem to be the last thing anyone has been worrying about. They've pretty much been non-existent with the exception of Frank being questioned after Mike's death.

RE #5 - This is true. But he's got to be at least fascinating enough to follow. And with SOME redeemable traits -- and I don't mean randomly trying to save a bar and pretty much putting a bull's eye on his back when he's supposed to be hiding. That feels like a "Save the Cat" moment forced into the story. There's plenty of movies with the classic, flawed anti-hero - Travis Bickle in my favorite movie of all time, "Taxi Driver" being the best. "American Psycho", the dude's just fucking out of his mind and arrogant. But he's very interesting... it's almost over the top how arrogant and superficial he is. He's purposely unlikable, which kinda draws your towards him. With the Frank character, I mean likable in the sense that he's interesting to follow with some traits that people can identify with. His decisions aren't just consistently bad, but they're really, really dumb decisions -- and he plays it off like it's slick. And he's supposed to be this clever thief but he's consistently fucking up everybody's life and making dumb decisions that pretty much out himself, making him super easy to find.

There's definitely a solid foundation to build off of here, but it's gotta start with Frank and actually having him make the decisions a smart, clever thief that somehow got away from the mob would make. You have somewhat of a good start by him cutting the brake line and making it look like an accident. But after that, it he makes every dumb decision he could possibly make. Not saying he can't make any mistakes... but he's making a mistake every chance he gets. And not in the sense of just reverting back to his old ways... I mean making dumb mistakes as a criminal.

I am interested to see what you do with the next draft -- I read it almost a week ago and I still remember it, so that's encouraging.

-- Michael



THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 13th, 2020, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Matthew - just doing a little browsing before dinner. Couple of thoughts on your first page - just nit issues.

EXT. DINER - DAY

SUPER IMPOSE: GEORGIA. THE FOURTH OF JULY.

A truck stop DINER.

In the parking lot. A small car pulls in. It's license plate is
from the state of Michigan. You don't see many of those around
here.

You never put the SUPER before some opening description - i.e., because you are superimposing over something.

You also don't need to repeat stuff in your description that is already in your header, i.e., we know we are in a diner,  If it is important - just add it to the header and save the kine. e.g.,

EXT. TRUCK STOP  DINER - DAY

In the parking lot. A small car pulls in. It's license plate is
from the state of Michigan. You don't see many of those around
here.

SUPER: GEORGIA. THE FOURTH OF JULY.

You do the same thing in the next scene.


Quoted Text
INT. DINER - DAY

Inside the DINER.

The lunch crowd comes and goes. A lot of locals. Truckers and
guys that dress like truckers. There's even a slow country song
playing from a juke box.


You don't need the line Inside the DINER - that info is already in the scene header.

Note: Jukebox is one word.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
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Script exchange link here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

If you want to bump your request.


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FrankH
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Hey, Matthew,

I like to take a stab at your script.
If you're doing a re-write I'll hold off on reading it until you post again.
Let me know.

Frank


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MatthewG
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Sorry for the late reply ... I kind of forgot about this script. I would love some feedback on it.

I can read one of yours scripts in exchange if you want me to.
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FrankH
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Hey Matthew,

I messaged you regarding a script exchange read. Check your inbox.

Frank


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FrankH
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Hey Matthew,

Took a look at the first dozen pages.

Logline seems a little clunky. I have a hard time myself composing an exciting logline. Let me see
if I can give a few pointers after reading the script.

In the opening scene, I would've introduced Mike and Frank when they stepped out of the car, something like:

EXT. DINER - PARKING LOT - DAY

A car with Michigan plates pulls into a spot.

Mike (35), with some characterization, steps out on the driver side. Frank (30), with some
characterization, slides out the passenger side.

Another example, P1:

INT. DINER - DAY
Crowded. A clock on the wall shows 12:30pm,
lunch time. A country song plays on a juke box.

Keep it lean and simple. Just my opinion.

Frank and Mike seem very relaxed after stealing money from the mob, not the brightest two guys on this earth,
maybe that's what you were going for. I would think they would be a little bit more
tense and careful, not Mike pulling out a wad of hundred dollar bills in front of Ray and Bud.

Action: Keep it simple, more streamlined. Avoid too many unfilmables, show, don't tell us.

Dialogue: I feel like the first few pages of dialogue, there's a lot of fluff between Frank and
Mike. What I got out of it was that they are from Michigan, but we kind of knew that based on the license plate.
Ray and Bud's dialogue is somewhat contrived, they need money, oh-well, Mike got money.


Some Nit picks and suggestions: Keep in mind, these are my own opinions and suggestions.

Don't need "A SCREENPLAY BY" on your cover page, "written by" or just "by" is sufficient.

General: Go easy on upper case words in action, unless you feel it's absolutely necessary.
General: On the first 10 pages, 26 orphans, that's a lot of space wasted. Try not to accumulate too many of those.

P1: You need to SUPER IMPOSE on something, a few lines of action, then Super.
P1: Don't repeat in action what's established in the slug (DINER). A few of these throughout.
P1: Go easy on words ending in -ing, (ex: plays instead of playing).
P1: How do they stand out, you're telling me, how do I know.
P1: Lunch crowd, why not have a clock on the wall show time, lunch time.

P3: CONT"D isn't really used that much anymore.
P3: TIME CUT TO: -- I would show a scene outside the diner, some trucks coming, some leaving,
drivers striking up conversations, then slug back to INT. DINER

P4: OUTSIDE THE WINDOW -- instead have Frank or Mike peer through a window at the truck with the
confederate flag pull up.

P6: "Frank and Mike exit the restaurant." -- I don't think you need "the restaurant."
P6: From the DINER to the FIREWORKS TRAILER, I would show Frank slides in behind the steering
wheel, Mike drops in the passenger seat, then show the car sputters out of the DINER parking lot,
maybe have them drive a little bit before they pull over to buy fireworks.
P6: I/E. MIKE'S CAR - DAY. Not a big fan of this
P6: INSIDE THE TRUNK/INSIDE THE BAG/IN THE FRONT SEAT -- don't think these are needed. Frank opens
the trunk, unzips a duffel bag, stares at wads of hundred dollars bills while Mike fiddles with the
radio, pulls a gun from the glove compartment.

P7: First paragraph at the GAS STATION, Mike enters the store and in the 3rd paragraph, Mike enters
the store again.
P7: Why not introduce RAY and BUD instead of referring to them as DRIVER AND PASSENGER.

P12: (O.C.) -- might be better to use (O.S.), not sure if (O.C.) is used more for TV.

I'll continue tomorrow, focusing more on the story/flow/characters/tone.

As I said, there are a lot of nit picks here, but I can see a story developing, so looking forward to read more.

Frank


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