Sports Bar Gypsies by Marco Rebelo - Drama - Small time cons meet a big time problem. 125 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Marco - you have problems out of the gate.

Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT The year is 1999. We open with a shot of a man changing from his work clothes into a dark pair of pants and black shirt and sweat jacket. The man opens a small locked box he keeps on the highest shelf in his walk-in closet. You don't see what he reaches in for. From behind we can see him putting it into his jacket pocket

The year is 1999.

In a script - you only put in what we can see or hear. How do we see or hear that it is 1999?

Do this:

SUPER: 1999

That means that will be superimposed over the scene.

Quoted Text We open with a shot of a man changing from his work clothes into a dark pair of pants and black shirt and sweat jacket.

Lose the we open - it's the first scene - we know this.

Man should be capped. Simple this:

A MAN changes from....

Quoted Text the man opens a small locked box he keeps on the highest shelf in his walk-in closet. You don't see what he reaches in for. From behind we can see him putting it into his jacket pocket

Lose the camera placements. Let the Director do that. Just:

The man opens a small locked box on the highest shelf in the closet. He reaches in, grabs something and slips it into his jacket pocket.