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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Book of Malachi Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 19th, 2022, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Book of Malachi by ShaDon Manigault - Drama - An African-American teenager struggles to fit in with his upper-class family. When tragedy strikes, he slowly finds himself forming a drug habit that is destroying him and the people who loves him the most.  106 pages  - pdf format

Contest: Official Selection - Urban Mediamakers Film Festival (2022); Honorable Mention - Big Apple Film Festival (2022); Official Selection - Hip Hop Film Festival (2023)

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 2nd, 2023, 8:17pm
revised draft
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zi94sm65
Posted: September 26th, 2022, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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I can see why your script got selected in the contest it has an engaging story. However, there are a number of minor issues that need fixing to make it more professional:

p.20 Angel suggest to her three kids. Dominque GASPS. This is awkward, perhaps replace with something like Angel indicates toward her... Also does GASP need to be capitalized?

Also, Angel's line:
"Don’t let their faces fool you. With their bad asses."

Needs a little reworking in my opinion:
Don't let their angel faces fool you. They're little bad asses.
Don't let their angel faces fool you. They're little devils.

p.21 The line, I can't keep [these] ladies off me; did you mean "the" ladies off me.
In description Afterwards, Claudia and Trisha [exchanges] uncomfortable
glances. The word "exchanges" should not be plural, just "exchange"

p.25 In the description, Claudia, Michael, and Trisha [walks towards] the mess.
Again the plural is not needed:
... and Trisha walk toward the mess.
and guests [watches] the commotion. It is cleaner if the, guests watch the commotion.

p.27 In description Claudia has tears in her eyes but subsides them. She [turn]
towards her [guest] Easy fix: She turns towards her guests.

p.29 You have a typo on Marcus's name: Yo! I was just telling [Marucs] about that shit.
p.33 Typo again at TIM [Marucs] told me about you.
p.34 Typo [Marucs] slowly walks towards Dominque.
p.35 Typo Malachi leans over and whispers to [Marucs]
p.39 [Marucs] is triggered.

p.48 In the description: Claudia quickly rises up and SLAPS Dominique. Michael and
Malachi are shocked and holds Claudia back. Keith holds Dominique.
Exactly who is it that is holding Claudia back Michael or Malachi or both? Needs a rewrite for clarity.
Also, plural issue again: Michael and Claudia [watches], disgusted. Change to singular "watch"

p.49 Plural issue: and then Dominique and Keith [leaves] the room. Just use singular "leave the room"

p.51 ..he watches Marcus [hurries] closer to the MANSION. Just use "hurry" to the mansion. Does MANSION need to be capitalized?

p.54 Marcus and Malachi [panics]. Just use "panic" here also bottom of page character typo "MARUCS"

p.55 Marcus and Malachi [dashes towards] Marcus’s CAR. Try "dash toward"

p.59 You know what I think!? [Marucs] always wanted her and could never have her and you...Fix typo on Marcus's name

p.60 The line after Malachi BREAKS DOWN again.
MALACHI (CONT'D)
Dad, I didn’t mean to do it...
He didn't do it so perhaps something like, "Dad, I didn't mean for that to happen–"

p.91 Think of another way to say this line; seems awkward to me with what just happened:
MALACHI (CONT'D)
I’m out this bitch!
Maybe something like i'm out of this charity house...

p.101 The line [Where] are you getting at? Did you mean "What are you getting at"

p.102 It [costs] my parents to divorce. Did you mean it caused my parents to divorce

Overall the base of the story is good, but seems a little lengthy in places. Find things that are not necessary to the story and cut them. It gets a little preachy about the consequences of drug use in places so maybe rework those or cut them as you already show the consequences well in other places.

Also, should read more about the technicalities of script writing and what should and should not be capitalized. I can't really help you there as i'm learning about those too, but as a reader the capitalization in scene descriptions was distracting.

Keep working on the script you have a good foundation for the story.
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ShaDonManigault
Posted: October 13th, 2022, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Hello,

Thank you for reading the script and giving feedback. I appreciate it. Do you have any scripts yourself?
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