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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Good Dad Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Good Dad  (currently 156 views)
Don
Posted: July 22nd, 2022, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Good Dad by Joseph Caruso - Drama - A father of 3 kids going through a divorce goes through years of hard financial times and works two bad jobs to support his family.  Then something amazing happens to him that changes everything. 89 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 28th, 2022, 1:41pm
revised draft
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ABennettWriter
Posted: July 27th, 2022, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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I skimmed the first few pages. The convo between Jack and Molly is good but way too long.

Your slug lines are really interesting. You get the EXT right, but then you give us all this other information that we can't see when we film it. It may be great for you to keep track of what's going on when, but it's so unnecessary.

EXT. OFFICE - DAY

That's all we need. Everything else THAT CAN BE FILMED needs to be in the action lines. Why do we need to know she's 5'1? We don't. We don't need hair color. We don't need to know about weight.

Only describe what's pertinent to the story.

I would go over this again with a really tight edit and see how much better it reads.

Good luck.

Oh! Why is there a random second empty page after the title page? Cut that. Not needed.
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