SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 11th, 2018, 12:51am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Second Chance
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Second Chance  (currently 225 views)
Don
Posted: September 22nd, 2018, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12603
Posts Per Day
1.93
Second Chance by Christopher J Vecchio - Dramedy - Diane is almost 50 and looking for love along with searching for her birth parents. Will she have a second chance of happiness? 111 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: September 24th, 2018, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3852
Posts Per Day
2.42
Christopher - gave the first few pages a look see.

There is odd spacing gaps in several places on the first few pages  I think in one instances up to five blank lines. Make it two at most and make it consistent.

There's a bit of over kill in the setting.  


Quoted Text
BLACK SCREEN WITH WHITE TEXT BEING TYPED - TYPING KEYBOARD
SOUNDS.

...It all started back in 1967 in a small town in Elmhurst
Illinois....

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH AERIAL VIEW OF A SMALL TOWN IN 1967 - DAY

TITLE: ELMHURST,IL 1967

A high aerial view in black and white of a small town.
While zooming in, the views turns into color and zooming
closer behind a young teen boy. DANNY a 17 year old,
scrappy freckled face teen. He rides a bicycle for several
blocks delivering newspapers while a SONG from the era is
playing in the background.


You give us the setting three times in the space of a half page - the written words over black screen, the scene heading and the Title Card. I think this could be so much crisper. Either just do the opening as is and get rid of the title card and the year in the scene header or get rid of the opening and use a SUPER. E.G., Something like:

EXT. HIGH AERIAL VIEW OF A SMALL TOWN - DAY

A high aerial view in black and white of a small town.
While zooming in, the views turns into color and zooming
closer behind a young teen boy. DANNY a 17 year old,
scrappy freckled face teen.

He rides a bicycle for several blocks delivering newspapers while a SONG from the era is
playing in the background.

SUPER: ELMHURST,IL 1967

Or something akin to that - the point is that once is good enough.

Also - somewhere along the line you need a new header here. You're opening header is an aerial view of the town. Need to add something along the lines of

RESIDENTIAL STREET


Quoted Text
Young Danny stops his bike at one of the house's on his
paper route and notices a SOLD SIGN in the front yard and a
family moving in. He sees a beautiful red-headed teenage
girl helping with the move. This is DENISE, a cute young 16
year old fire-cracker/tomboy.


A bit inefficient. We already know he's on his paper route and the fire-cracker tomboy element of Denise' description is a bit unfilmable.

Maybe something like.

Danny brakes his bike, comes to a stop. The object of his focus, a FAMILY moving into a house.
In particular, DENISE (16), beautiful, but dressed in Tom-boy style clothes.  


Quoted Text
She sees Danny, smiles and waves at him with Danny waving
back. Danny keeps riding his bicycle, throwing papers on
the lawns before finishing his route.



The above is a bit clumsy. Are we really seeing him finishing his route??? I'm guessing not. Just -

Denise catches Danny's eye, smiles and waves.

Danny waves back, then pedals onward.


Quoted Text
EXT. ELMHURST HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Outside shot of kids from 1967 walking the grounds of the
school and the camera follows behind Young Danny walking
inside the school to his locker. Above the row of lockers
is a big banner. WELCOME SENIORS.


Many issues - You don't need to say outside shot - the scene header lets us know that. You would do well to lose all the camera directions for that matter. You don't need 1967. You need to CAP kids.  Most importantly - you forget to establish and INT setting when we get to the lockers.

Something like:

EXT. ELMHURST HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Danny and a horde of other KIDS make their way towards the school doors.

INT. ELMHURST SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY

Danny opening his locker. A banner hangs on the
wall above them: WELCOME SENIORS.


Quoted Text
INT. YOUNG DANNY'S SCHOOL LOCKER - LIGHT


NIGHT - and - school is ending at night????

Look to write active. e.g.,

Young Danny is putting his books away - better is Danny puts his books away.

Danny is riding - better as - Danny rides

I think your idea has promise - but there are a lot of basic problems out of the shoot - do some script format research - read a few scripts - you'll get there.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
ChrisV
Posted: September 26th, 2018, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.02
Thank you
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
eldave1
Posted: September 27th, 2018, 9:46am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3852
Posts Per Day
2.42
No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Dramedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006