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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Family Scripts  ›  Ruby Bay Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ruby Bay by Tony Campbell - Family - When a shy and young bookish young boy finds a magical ruby, he is sent back in time and must find the strength and courage to return to home. If he wants to.... 78 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Tony - had a chance to look at the first few pages.

Overall - I like your style - clean and crisp.

I found the repeated BOLDING AND CAPPING of objects a bit distracting. i.e., where I think you want me to see an Abbey, I'm seeing an ABBEY!!!!!

Just a style thing I think. Just wanted to let you know that for me it diminished an otherwise enjoyable read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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toecampbell
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave1,
Thank you for taking a look and a bigger thank you for your comments. I know what you mean about the object in bold. I started doing that after developing another project with a director. He said it helped to draw attention where you wanted it. I maybe have over done it though!
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eldave1
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from toecampbell
Hi Eldave1,
Thank you for taking a look and a bigger thank you for your comments. I know what you mean about the object in bold. I started doing that after developing another project with a director. He said it helped to draw attention where you wanted it. I maybe have over done it though!


You're welcome.

And it's just my opinion - maybe others will weigh in.

I am a fan of bold scene headings - I think they help the reader's eye. To me they loose their oomph when other things are bolded.  I generally reserve those for the big moments/things - kind of like when someone use too many exclamation marks.

Again - my only complaint - the rest of the stuff demonstrated real craftsmanship, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankM
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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This is a good kid adventure, I like the setting and characters, and just enough is explained to keep the reader engaged.

I do have some concerns, though, with how it's currently written:
The biggest concern is that Liam never seems to know why he's doing anything. He shows flashes of bravery, but never seems to make any substantial decisions other than bolting from Wesley. In particular, the pivotal encounter ends with the protagonist being rescued by Tom in a way that Liam had no hand in preparing. (I mean, Liam should have asked Tom and the Lady for the gold directly, but it's understandable that it doesn't occur to him.) Liam was willing to trade his benefactor Lady's only protection directly to the one who seemed to want to do her harm... this is a good lowest-of-the-low-point for a hero to have, but he should at least feel bad about it.

Liam's definitely "grown a pair" by the time he faces his father again, but that could just be "I lived through worse than you" bravado rather than the kind of maturity you probably want to portray.

Giving Liam a hand in determining his fate will also remove any cynic's interpretation that Liam isn't even brave... he's just desensitized.

I'm not saying that Liam has to figure everything out half-way through the story, but he can't be an ignorant babe the whole way through either. One of the most memorable lines from The Tenth Kingdom was when Tony responds to his assigned quest by yelling at the Blind Woodsman "What is it with you people?!"

Though you'll find plenty of stuff describing the Three Act Structure, and that's good for the broad timing of major events, but I'd recommend looking at the Monomyth for deciding what Liam does and in what order. You don't need to invent a new story structure from whole cloth. This is a solo adventure, and the Monomyth is a proven formula for solo adventures.

Smaller bits:
On pages 13-15, it might make sense to put GRANDAD'S CAR in the scene headers to eliminate any confusion with the parents' car.
On page 29, removing "It's gone." might make it easier to understand.
Tom is not introduced properly. I have no idea how old he is, what he looks like, or what he's wearing. But he has an intimidating bell.
The pirates came pretty much from nowhere. And if they justify their actions by saying they're pirates, then they pretty much are Johnny Depp pirates
Missing character line on page 57, though I guess it was Luis.
On page 66, Liam is referred to as Tom a couple times.
The ransom on the ruby seems to change from 100 gold pieces to 10.

Overall, a great story! Keep up the good work!



Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilot:
"Kord" (Fantasy)

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Dustin
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


I am a fan of bold scene headings - I think they help the reader's eye.


Ordinarily, I don't use them as I find triple-spacing the headers is enough. However, I have been using an app in Google docs as a way of collaborating in real time and the font is a little light as well as only double-spacing headings, so I've found the bold headings helps a lot there.


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eldave1
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


Ordinarily, I don't use them as I find triple-spacing the headers is enough. However, I have been using an app in Google docs as a way of collaborating in real time and the font is a little light as well as only double-spacing headings, so I've found the bold headings helps a lot there.


They are becoming more prevelant. I think they help the read


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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