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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  End of the Line - OWC
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Blvd
Posted: March 4th, 2008, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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It was neat that you applied to same logic from the start of the screenplay to the end of it.

I honestly think the first two pages can be rewritten, trimmed or even cut from the entire screenplay. Without knowing what Charlie did, he's a bit more mysterious in nature.
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alffy
Posted: March 4th, 2008, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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First thing a noticed here was that Curtis asks Charlie why he killed him, then when Charlie explains Curtis says 'why you telling me this'?...erm cos he asked!

Lovely description of the marmite soldier antics lol!  (that's the 'once I'm in the bowel it's smooth sailing')

Why would Charlie know Billy?

This was alright, nicely written and the dialogue was excellent.  A good effort.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 5th, 2008, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad. The opening statement by Charlie should have been a (V.O)...Some of the phrasing seemed awkward, especially using the F-word...Didn't seem natural..."That pissed me the f off."? Just pissed off would be fine or "That f-in pissed me off" ... Charlie sits in the driver's side seat? That means Charlies at the wheel...Charlie says there's a safe in the back...How does he know this? Most of these places have an alarm, so time would be of the essence...It's a smash in, grab the register cash and run...The violence in the store was expected...

Then comes Billy, sitting down in a cell with a violent killer.

"You have no idea who I am..." Nope, and we don't either. Maybe if we did the scene would have more impact.

Billy strikes at Charlie's throat. Charlies a big guy. Unless he is kung fu master, I don't see Charlie just letting Billy grab him, at least he'd put up a hell of fight...It's now just comic as Charlie lets Billy do whatever he wants...This is a tough guy! He's a killer! No way way some punk is gonna come in and crush his larnyx without him doing something to stop it...True, he was at ease thinking he had the upper hand, but I give him way more credit than that...

The end with him wrapping the sheets...why bother? Everyone knew what happened- who are they trying to fool?

Like the paying for vengeance angle, but he should have gotten the lawyer from my old Guest of Honor short to have a Saw party for him...Good start with Charlie's character and the murder of the Earl McGraw (Which could have been a good voice over flashback...Set a good tone for the short instead of just talking about it)...

Already rewrote my vengance themed OWC, suggest rewriting and giving Billy a run for his money in the cell- Make him realize that this was a really dangerous idea that he may not walk away from...






Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Mr.Z
Posted: March 9th, 2008, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Itís a nice revenge story that youíve got here, flyboy.

Read pretty fast and was quite entertaining.

Just when I thought that Billy was about to get his ass filled, there comes the twist, which was unexpected. Kudos on that.

Iím not sure if you need Charlie to tell the story about the farm. The following scene is enough to establish heís a murdering bastard.

Good job. Enjoyed this one.  


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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 9th, 2008, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads and comments everyone.  I know that the idea was unoriginal looking back and seeing a few that were similar, but it seemed to work so that's good.  Thanks again.


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James McClung
Posted: March 15th, 2008, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty solid read. I probably should have realized this after reading The Dead And The Deader but you have a knack for writing some of the sickest, scummiest, most depraved sacks of crap ever. It makes your scripts very fun to read and reminds me that I need to try harder . Anyway, I thought Charlie was definitely one of those scumbags and I was happy to see his ass handed to him in the end.

"You shot me, you sonofabitch." I think you could lose this one. I don't think a cold-blooded killer would want to waste their last breath stating the obvious. Also, why does Curtis just take the bullet like that?

I thought Charlie's story worked and it was neccesary for the payoff. Storytelling within scripts shouldn't really be done without visuals though. Otherwise, it's basically just some guy talking. I think this story could've used a couple flashbacks. Also, Earl McGraw? I thought I'd heard this name before. I think you should've gone with another name. Nothing wrong with referencing characters from other films but McGraw died in From Dusk Till Dawn so it doesn't quite work.

Other than that, good job.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 17th, 2008, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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yo James, thanks for the read.


Quoted from James McClung
I probably should have realized this after reading The Dead And The Deader but you have a knack for writing some of the sickest, scummiest, most depraved sacks of crap ever.


It's easy cause I just base them on me...haha, just kidding...or am I  


Quoted from James McClung

"You shot me, you sonofabitch." I think you could lose this one. I don't think a cold-blooded killer would want to waste their last breath stating the obvious. Also, why does Curtis just take the bullet like that?


I think this played out different in my head than how I put it on paper, I think Charlie was just surprised, to me it was more comical, maybe I didn't write it out the correct way.  And Curtis is just as surprised as Charlie that he shot him, so he was kinda in shock.


Quoted from James McClung

I thought Charlie's story worked and it was neccesary for the payoff. Storytelling within scripts shouldn't really be done without visuals though. Otherwise, it's basically just some guy talking. I think this story could've used a couple flashbacks.


Agreed, I was gonna do that but to keep it to 12 pages I didn't do it.


Quoted from James McClung
Earl McGraw? I thought I'd heard this name before. I think you should've gone with another name. Nothing wrong with referencing characters from other films but McGraw died in From Dusk Till Dawn so it doesn't quite work.


Haha, I didn't realize that till after I submitted it, I think it was my subconscious.

Thanks again for the read, and congrat's again on Abattoir, I'm very Psyched for you  





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