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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Flesh Won't Be Missed - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Flesh Won't Be Missed - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 5901 views)
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
My fourth read...

This one takes the cake for being the most evil, so far.   I'm sure the writer will take that as a compliment.   Intelligent story, excellent twist, but probably not the most likely to be filmed, IMO.   Too gory.    Good job on completing the challenge, though.   I'm willing to bet this was written by one of the Soulshadow alumnis.   You're writing style seems very familiar.   Well done.

EDIT: Scratch that comment about it not likely to be filmed.   Anything is possible.





I decided to start with your comment, SR, because something about it made me smile. No, t had nothing to do with 'most evil', but rather the mention of SoulShadows. I haven't written anything for it, and I'm still hoping that SS will give it a third season. If so, I might...think it over...but the gist here is that I'm honored to be in that company.

I am coming forth on my own works now to spare Don some time and, if he reveals th scribes tonight, I won't be around tomorrow. I fear that if I'm gone 24 hours and don't comment, someone's gonna have a bird up the butt and there's been enough drama this past week, for you, me...and Charlie Sheen.





"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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screenrider
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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This would definitely make for an entertaining/creepy short film.  Very Tales From the Crypt-ish.    Maybe you could even get Charlie to play a part.      On a serious note it could be a solid entry for the next Shriekfest.

All the best.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Now I'm going to, with the exception of a few, do a general, overall response. Simply due to the fact that in using some research into the Hand Of Glory (and from what I gather, the only writer here who picked it) I went to its direct origins.

It surprised me that some folks were "taken out" when the Hand Of Glory froze the inhabitants of the house. According to mythos, that's what it was used for. But quite a number of you wre not. For some, they actually liked it. That's good with me; that's really being subjective about it all. I would rather have some debate on it with nays and yays then have an overall group think. I take that back; I'm glad not everyone hated it.

Tophet was the next subject of debate. In a re-write, I chose to add a scene with him early on. Not much, but at least he doesn't come out of the blue as before (*not that anyone asked, but, yes, his name is a name for hell/a place for sacrifice, just if you wanted to know..uh..you didn't? Aww shoot..) but y;know, I actually had two endings--and I simply chose the one with Tophet. In the alternate scene, Beau also dies by poison and chainsaw...but it is Jennifer alone who did the double cross. She cast a spell on Beau without him aware of it...

But then some folks dug Mr. Hell, I mean Tophet, and oddly- if you look back on those comments, it's like this in general:

* Those who seemed to like the freeze heist didn't care for Tophet.
* Those who didn't like the freeze thought Tophet/doublecross ending was alright.

can't win, can't lose. which way, which way to choose?  

I write what I see. That's all I can say.

I will say this though. With my two subs in the OWC, I'm a bit burned out by horror, I think I went a bit too grim. Maybe something joyful next time...maybe a comedy or an inspirational sports story like 'Invincible' or 'We Are Marshall'...


Quoted from leitskev
The Flesh Wont be Missed

Was born to write horror, bloody, gruesome horror, the kind that is not about a battle between good and evil, but just about evil. Like the dark horror from the 70s, when you just knew it was gonna end badly, and you wanted to look away but couldn't.


...before I get typed.




P.S. At the rate he's goin' ol Tiger Blood Charlie's gonna need the gig...


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  March 6th, 2011, 7:50am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
Hi, Jack

This is pretty good.
Genuine US blood and body horror.
Great twist.
Low budget, visual and visceral.

Very nice.

GL!


I really did mean it when I said you gave me one of the best comments. Of course, if I wrote something short and nice, I'd get a cookie   ...no seriously man, thanks for the read.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
Only thing I'm going to say is

A) The writer should check out House Of Clocks, by Lucio Fulci.

or in the event you have

B) Shame on you.


There were other elements at play here, but so much of this reminded me of that brilliant flick.


Since The Hand Of Glory mythos is used for rendering persons in a home immobile, it is (and was) fair game. Many films and stories have "time frozen people" yet objects around the people do not freeze. Is it the way I done it? All I know is after your comment, I looked up the info on the film. Different story.

Shame on me anyway for not seeing it.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wannabe
I liked that you used the hand thing.  I was wondering if anyone would do that.  To me it almost felt like Natural Born Killers but with voodoo.  I liked that.  Just evil.  Yum.  But I think it could be trimmed a bit to help the pace.  It became a bit monotonous after a while.

Good job on this!!


Thanks, but there was no voodoo involved.

Hmmm.. Natural Born Killers meets Serpent & The Rainbow...maybe someone ougtta make that film...sounds high concept...

Al kidding aside, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Darren

Congratulations!
After Cathy's, I voted for THE FLESH WON'T BE MISSED second.
Her's I "enjoyed" best.
But your's nailed the criteria right on the head. Great horror.
Good stuff, man.

I got all of it: blood, axe, bodies in the lake, thumb candle, thievery, cycle twist. Everything.
Totaly got it here.
And a good mix of a few locations, small cast and sensible budget to boot.
Bravo. Great work.

I wasn't familiar enough with your work to make a legit "guess", but I was always "kinda" suspecting this fit your work profile: Straight forward, gritty, no subtle BS.
It's great.

Congratulations.


Ray.



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
*Spoilers*

There's a lot that I really liked about this story.  Good, strong characters - engaging story line.  And the writer clearly researched the Hand of Glory mythos for the script (one example being the Scalp/Wick detail.)  The details of the frozen homeowners (the dribbling teacup and the toothpaste) also worked well for me visually.

Although the twist at the end works on a basic level, I'm not sure why it was needed (by Jennifer, that is.)  Isn't the arrangement with Beaumont giving her what she needs?  You probably need to show some level of friction between the two, to make this kind of a double-cross logical.

But overall, great story!  Cheers and best - WV



And cheers to you for reading.
Yes, while doing the OWC I wanted o cherry pick some details of the legend, and work it into the script. I added/subtracted a few minor things, but I generally kept the rules intact. Not just the link Pia provided awhile ago, but in general lore altogether.

More to come, give or take a day.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Baltis.
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley


Since The Hand Of Glory mythos is used for rendering persons in a home immobile, it is (and was) fair game. Many films and stories have "time frozen people" yet objects around the people do not freeze. Is it the way I done it? All I know is after your comment, I looked up the info on the film. Different story.

Shame on me anyway for not seeing it.



You're being defensive

A) I said if you HADN'T Seen it to do so... It's a damn good flick. One of his best.

And, there is also another flick that reminded me of your story to a T -- It was a short on an English film called "SCREAMTIME", which uses the plot you've laid out to a T.  It's the 3rd story on the flick, minus the hub with the absurd video tape.

Again

See A) for my reasoning.

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  March 6th, 2011, 5:56am
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Now I'm going to, with the exception of a few, do a general, overall response. Simply due to the fact that in using some research into the Hand Of Glory (and from what I gather, the only writer here who picked it) I went to its direct origins.

It surprised me that some folks were "taken out" when the Hand Of Glory froze the inhabitants of the house. According to mythos, that's what it was used for. But quite a number of you wre not. For some, they actually liked it. That's good with me; that's really being subjective about it all. I would rather have some debate on it with nays and yays then have an overall group think. I take that back; I'm glad not everyone hated it.

Tophet was the next subject of debate. In a re-write, I chose to add a scene with him early on. Not much, but at least he doesn't come out of the blue as before (*not that anyone asked, but, yes, his name is a name for hell/a place for sacrifice, just if you wanted to know..uh..you didn't? Aww shoot..) but y;know, I actually had two endings--and I simply chose the one with Tophet. In the alternate scene, Beau also dies by poison and chainsaw...but it is Jennifer alone who did the double cross. She cast a spell on Beau without him aware of it...

But then some folks dug Mr. Hell, I mean Tophet, and oddly- if you look back on those comments, it's like this in general:

* Those who seemed to like the freeze heist didn't care for Tophet.
* Those who didn't like the freeze thought Tophet/doublecross ending was alright.

can't win, can't loose. which way, which way to choose?  

I write what I see. That's all I can say.

I will say this though. With my two subs in the OWC, I'm a bit burned out by horror, I think I went a bit too grim. Maybe something joyful next time...maybe a comedy or an inspirational sports story like 'Invincible' or 'We Are Marshall'...



...before I get typed.




P.S. At the rate he's goin' ol Tiger Blood Charlie's gonna need the gig...


I really liked the freeze time effect...like you say, that's what the point of the hand is.

I was also one who didn't like Topher. To me the ending should reflect the body of the story so that their undoing should come from the misuse of the Hand of Glory. Maybe a good ending would be to have the witch "freeze" the guy in the house by keeping the Hand burning, so he's stuck in that position permanently.

As it is the twist sort of undoes the story-telling because it's not related to the subject matter.

I'd definitely like to see you try a different ending on this anyway.

Rick.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.


You're being defensive

A) I said if you HADN'T Seen it to do so... It's a damn good flick. One of his best.

And, there is also another flick that reminded me of your story to a T -- It was a short on an English film called "SCREAMTIME", which uses the plot you've laid out to a T.  It's the 3rd story on the flick, minus the hub with the absurd video tape.

Again

See A) for my reasoning.


If I seem a bit defensive, that was not my intention..


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  March 6th, 2011, 9:13am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from bert
I was liking this story just fine until the late introduction of Tophet.

At that point, the story stopped making any sense.  I mean, I understood it, but it stopped making sense in terms of the storytelling.

Simply introducing a brand new character to turn the story on its head is...well, it is kind of lazy.

High marks for the first two-thirds, but I was very dissatisfied with the latter third.

Were this mine, I would ditch everything after page 8 and try another approach.


After giving it some thought, I decided to look at my alternate ending which I mentioned above. I looked over the comments again, especially yours and Rick's.

Although I re-submitted an update with an early into of Tophet, I'm going to ask Don to either discard that one or put the *other* version up instead...the one I mentioned above. I have been swayed for the following reasons:

1- while my script wasn't chosen, if it had been, what would Rick ask me to change, if anything?

2- While there were some who liked Tophet, others did not. Some still did, but didn't like a few of his lines with Beau. Eliminating the character solves that concern.

3- if Jennifer acted alone in Beau's demise, would the double cross twist still be in play? The answer is yes. I lose nothing in that regard.

4- By my own admission, I have toyed with the possibility of having no such character.

5- Let's say it was filmed by Director X. Production cost is a concern. One expendable character means...one less actor. More time and lines for those characters (actors) who are not outside of the story.


In short, Tophet may have been a bad ass, but the SOB cost me, and may still cost me in the long run. So---I would like to thank you , Mike, Rick and everyone else for swaying me.

Tophet will be gone.
Okay, it still was a tough call- but when folks are right, they are right..






"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  March 7th, 2011, 12:49am
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c m hall
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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I 'spose....
But IMHO, what you lose by getting rid of Tophet is Beau's shock -- Beau, who manipulates other people's worlds, realizes he has no control over his own.

Beau and Jennifer argued, previously, but intimately.  Beau was sure that he and Jennifer had a private reality where they pulled all the strings.

Beau's expression would show "you're dumping me, for this guy?" and he'd see his own worth (in Jennifer's eyes, and that's all that matters) reduced to another pile of unrendered fat.  That's a good kicker, I think.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from c m hall
I 'spose....
But IMHO, what you lose by getting rid of Tophet is Beau's shock -- Beau, who manipulates other people's worlds, realizes he has no control over his own.

Beau and Jennifer argued, previously, but intimately.  Beau was sure that he and Jennifer had a private reality where they pulled all the strings.

Beau's expression would show "you're dumping me, for this guy?" and he'd see his own worth (in Jennifer's eyes, and that's all that matters) reduced to another pile of unrendered fat.  That's a good kicker, I think.


An arguement can be made for both versions. That was pretty much in line with my reasoning over the Tophet ending instead of the other. The character was problematic for quite a number of people. Even though I rewrote that draft to introduce him earlier (he was spying on the pair) I reread the comments and I wondered about that other version. I like both myself, not just because I wrote them, but because there is an argument for each.

I actually considered having both versions up here for comparison. But someone might see that as me unable to decide on how to end it. If you want to read the alt version that goes up, I'll read anything of yours that you have, be it a rewrite of this OWC or something else I may not have gotten to. Just name it in this thread or a PM.




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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leitskev
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Darren, sorry, I didn't mean to "type" you. Was just trying to complement. Maybe you were born to write horror...AND some other genre! Maybe just born to write! I've only read your work from this OCW.

I did not know the freeze time thing was part of the mythos. Makes more sense now, I guess. My objection was on the logical level, and I tend to do that with stories and movies. Like I said, if you could freeze time, would you just take some jewels from a rich person? Or would you hit a bank? To me freezing time is too much like the Superman movie when superman reverses Louis Lane's death by reversing time. Why doesn't he do that all the time when there's a big problem? It's too much for me.

I was ok with Tophet if his role can be explained a little, foreshadowed.

Bottom line is this OCW is over, and other than the one filmed, the rest are like a pleasant vacation, gone but not forgotten. What's important is to draw from the experience, use it next time. In this story, Tophet was the main objection. So the lesson would be to make sure, if a character is suddenly introduced, there is some explanation or some foreshadow. In your case, this would have been easy, and you might have done if you had focused on one story.

In my short, I learned a lot and will hopefully not repeat the mistakes in future stories. The OCW was a great exercise. I look forward to your future work!
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