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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Wisp - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Wisp - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 4062 views)
Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review Leitskev! Yes I had to correct those things for sure. The idea of Stingy Jack was my original idea, but it didnt seem very Celtic. The opening scene is indeed supposed to be generic, its basically John  reading the legend out of the book of folklore. So the whole scene is generic, including the devil. Dunno about how difficult it would be to do that scene. Find something like an old cemetary Gate somewhere, ask if you can film there. Dress up someone in a traditional devils costume (horns, goatee, pitchfork) add a lot of flashing red light (or real fire if brave) and smoke. Could work, dunno. But either again way thanks for the review!

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Posted: May 24th, 2011, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Hugh, or Harley.  Not sure which you prefer

Welp, I just gave this a read.  I saw this was a second draft and I have to say, there were still quite a few typos and apostrophe esses that aren't supposed to be there.  I didn't take note of them while I was reading, but if you'd like me to, I can go back and edit them for you so you have an idea of where they're at.

As for the story, I'm gathering from other people's posts that this has gone through quite a rewrite, as there weren't even any goblins in the version I read.

One thing that I can say about this is that it is suspenseful and I kept on reading, trying to figure out what was going to happen.  I breezed through it, so good job on that aspect of the story.

However, I don't think I liked John, Jason's and Tracy's involvement of the story.  They seemed kind of like just filler to get the backstory of Stingy Jack across.  I wonder if you can find some way to work it into Daniel's and Emily's dialogue before their 'car accident'.  It'll just cut out some useless pages and unnecessary characters that seemed out of place.  I kept on expecting Daniel and Emily to run into them or something.

As for the ending, I'm not too sure I understand it.  Why did Stingy Jack seem to terrorize them, but then at the end, just walk off?  At least, I think that's what happened.  I'll have to go back and read that again, but it seemed a little anti-climactic to me.

But like I said, the suspense leading up to that point was great.  I was turning the pages fast to see what would happen.  I just think it needs kind of a bigger ending.

I hope this helps some.

- Mark

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