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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Can't Scare Me - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Can't Scare Me - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3440 views)
RayW
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, William

Gotta do the FADE IN: left justified and FADE OUT: right justified thing. Sorry.

Nice little campfire story.
Wish it was more horror and less spook-the-braggart. He spends too much time running about being spooked.
Seems to end rather abruptly.

Still, it's nice.  



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stevie
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Good effort - neat writing, it flowed well.

Probably could cut a page and a bit off it - some of the dialogue could go, but overall i really dug it.


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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the first half of this script, didn't much like the ending, it felt forced and somewhat offensive; freaky for its own sake.  Maybe I've just read too many of these OWC scripts.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, my entire post got wiped out, so here goes again.

Not bad at all, but not too good either.  There are things that work and things that don't. Let's look at them...

Title and logline are absolutely terrible to the point where they may have skewed my opinion.  If time constraints are the reason here, I understand, but if not...change them both immidiately!  The logline especially is just so cheesy, juvenile, and downright poor.

As others have already pointed out, the biggest issue here is the setup and logic flaws.  For this to work and make sesne, the 2 girls cannot already have relationships with the 2 guys.  Just doesn't make sesne and this is really what sinks this ship.

Dialogue isn't good and it's also very meaningless banter for much of the script.  It comes off as cheesy and juvenile and just doesn't fit the tone here, IMO.

A bunch of typos and punctuation errors, but not horrid for a week's worth of time.

Things definitely pick up once Lachlin goes into the woods.  This section could be written better, though, and I think a rewrite will really help.

The Old Washer's dialogue is well done and researched.  It sounds authentic to me, but I have no clue what she's singing about.

I actually like the end twist, but again, for it to work and make sense, the setup has to be changed and corrected.

Not bad overall.  Solid OWC entry.  Congrats.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid simple story that has some good chills in it.

These are notes I made as I read:

Your title sounds like fighting talk!

Pg 1 – I like the beginning. Starting in the middle of something gives it energy.

Pg 4 – I think I’m about half way through and the discussion has been okay, but it has only been discussion.

Pg 6 – Now this has become chilling.

Pg 8 – The twist in this felt quite predictable, but the singing thing works well.


Philip


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jwent6688
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. Combination of two legends no less. The banshee and the sith.

I liked the washing women's rhythmic chants. They were well done. I just don't get why Mal sent him to the river. The girls had their meal right in front of them. Also, I didn't get the jingling. That may have been a part of the legend I've missed.

All in all, nice work. Good job writing a script in a week.

James


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shootingduck
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Despite the cliche set up of two young couples in the woods, I actually like the banter in the beginning.  The creepiness of the lady by the river and her mostly (seemingly) non-sensical ramblings in song were nice elements.  I agree with the reviewer who said Lachlan gets scared too quickly.  Because of this there is less of a build up before the climax.  I like the approach; A suspenseful build up crescendos into an all out panic until the girl finds him on the ground... you have the brief period of relief, the audience settles in as your character does and once his/their guard is down, she literally goes for the jugular.  I just don't think there was enough of a build up for the payoff to have the impact that you were trying to achieve.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Simple, well told story.

Nice work with the songs.

Interesting mix of myths.

Cons

Bit TOO simple...not enough meat.
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reuel51
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thank You everyone for the feedback.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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bert
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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These characters have really weird names.

Having Malvina be sort of bitchy in this scenario is fine, but you really need to give her some reason to be that way.  What is motivating her to argue about something so silly?  It is a lost opportunity to inject her with some character.

The song you give the washer women is appropriately creepy.  Feels authentic, as if there were some actual research behind it, which is always great to see.

Where are all of these shrieks coming from?  And what are they adding to this story?   I think on film they would just appear weird and random, without purpose.

And the tale turns on a dime, as the twist appears out of nowhere, and our old Washer Woman is hung out to dry.  She was the creepiest character out there, but ultimately, she was given nothing to do!

The end is alright, I suppose, but I kind of felt ripped off when you did not even use the old woman, and I thought this might have been better if you had.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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reuel51
Posted: April 1st, 2011, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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I just wanted to thank everyone again who read and commented on this. I tried combining two myths and some things worked, many things didn't. This was a rushed draft, and I'll let it simmer for a while and then tinker with it a little more. Horror is NOT my genre, so I took this as a chance to branch out. I had a good time.

And, if I haven't read your script and you read mine, I promise I'll be getting to it. I'm in charge of a small stage production for a youth church group (by in charge I mean writing, directing and producing). In one week, that will be over and I'll have some more time to participate more on this site.

Thanks,
Brian


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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