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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 12:52pm
I really liked these brothers. Even though they were criminals, I felt sympathy for them and that's quite an accomplishment in only 10 pages.
Great description of the fog rolling in, nice tension there.
I liked this story. I think there could have been a tad more info on why the sea witch was somehow attached to the man they killed. For me that was vague and should have been explained a little more. All in all it was a cool story with characters I cared about. Nice work.
“Any trace of air movement had ceased well over an hour before and the normally turbulent sea had become glassy calm.” – unfilmable description. How do we know what it normally looks like or what it looked like an hour ago? Be careful of these types of unfilmable statements in your narrative: “A sudden flush of utter vulnerability courses through his body.”” he seems to lose all sense of time and distance.”” He feels as though he has walked a mile without reaching his destination.”” His mind churns with the possibilities of what he has just touched. Deep down, he hopes – he prays - that his brother had become so frightened that he had lost control of his bladder.” – you can’t tell us what people are thinking and feeling. You have to show us somehow. That’s one of the things that makes screenwriting so challenging.
You have a lot of “ings”. try to keep those to a minimum. “After tightening a rope at port side, he joins Sig at stern.” Maybe—He tightens a rope at port side then joins Sig at stern.
Why aren’t your pages numbered? And you’re missing FADE IN and FADE OUT.
Some of the passages were wasted and unnecessary, such as telling us what happened to air movements hours ago, or what Orren might be hoping and praying for. Losing some of those overtly descriptive passages that offer nothing visual would tighten this up a bit.
The tension on the boat is good enough, but I was disappointed by the end. I kept expecting some late "Tales from the Crypt" sort of moment where the ultimate fate of these men is revealed to us -- but instead got a lady on a hill, which did not do it for me.
When Barber says, "Now is not the time, son", I was like, "Um…yeah, it is." If not now, when?
So this one does not find itself at the top or the bottom. It is a solid entry that lands somewhere in the middle.
First time for everything. Usually moonlight is rather pale, and movie moonlight is sometimes light blue. But purple...hokey-doke. Could be supernatural stuff, I'll let it slide.
Sig should drop the "Orr" of his dialog, p1. I know his buddy's Orrin- but it still reads odd. They are brothers, and may have a shorthand speech, but I'm tempted to wonder if there are any oars on the boat. Just me I 'spose, "Orr"--it just does not sound right. That's all. Sig calls him Orr a few times as the scrript goes on, but as I re-read the line, I could drop the Orr and lose nothing.
I was a bit worried about some of the early exposition, a wee bit of it seemed forced (to me, anyway) but the mood is set, so it mildly works.
Then, WHOOSH p6- the author starts getting Wordy, second guessing what is seen:
Silhouetted by the light, someone - or something - is standing within.
He turns his head toward the stern and listens for something – anything – but the low drone of the motor drowns out all sound.
A Silhouette would take on the form of what object, be it a person or thing is there. It cannot be both; the 'something-anything" isn't needed because the motor drowns out everything else.
He feels as though he has walked a mile without reaching his destination.
He hopes – he prays - that his brother had become so frightened that he had lost control of his bladder.
Un-visual inner state of being. And did he piss himself, or did he hope his brother did?
Some diaalog spills over onto the following page but with no CHARACTER (CONT) above it.
All in all, not bad for a OWC, but the piece falls apart for me halfway though because of the odd choice to go internal and not external. You might want to keep an eye out for that sort of thing.
Good on ya for entering the fray commonly known as the OWC. This one has a promising atmosphere, but it's mired by unfilmables and exposition. The leads seemed pretty timid for thieves and wayward killers. The dialogue foretold everything so no chance of any surprises here. I was bummed we didn't get to see the gruesome death throes. No one was impaled on a mast or strangled with a pocket watch chain. Alas. But you did manage a consistent narrative which is more than some entries. Kudos.
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This one fell flat for me. A tough read, very little payoff. I can tell you put a lot of work into it creatively-speaking, though, so good job on that. Some of the decriptions need to be trimmed. Congrats on completing the challenge. Not an easy task.
Straightforward story. Would like to see a twist, something different. Or maybe something to make one think of this if they find themselves at sea in a small boat.
The gypsy comment didn't fully match up. There really wasn't a reason for them to fear a sea witch based on that. Maybe create some reason for them to be afraid. If the witch lives on a local idland, seems they would know of her, and maybe her husband. If they then knew it was the witches husband, they could be struggling to get to the shore as fast as they could.
Maybe could describe the killings a little. The witch is pissed, maybe she'll mess with them.
But there is something here to work with. Brothers at sea, crooks with a conscience, an island witch. Keep working on it. Decent first draft.
Predictable yet solid story * over did it on descriptions like “the light from the full moon is now a memory” * don’t beat the reader with the just desserts the brothers got * interesting how two sea men didn’t see the fog coming until surrounded - must have been the purple haze from the moon * several parts of this would play well on film
Oh man...no, no, no...so many problems going on here. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I'll try.
Your title is God Awful. Maybe you ran out of time and had to throw something up, but any other excuse is unacceptable.
You start out writing in the wrong tense ("Any trace of air movement had ceased well over an hour before and the normally turbulent sea had become glassy calm."). Scripts are written in the present tense...always.
So many unfilmables everywhere. So much crazy novelistic, overly detailed prose. So little story.
Just didn't work in any way, sorry to say.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I like the story, I think you create great atmosphere and nervous, interesting characters in the 2 brothers. There's really too much inner turmoil and unspoken emotions and FOG for this to work as a short film, I think. Good story, though.
One major problem I had with this script is that you don't show us one of the most important parts of the story: the murder of the old man. These brothers talked and talked about it, but if you had started your script with that scene, you wouldn't have had to use all that page space on their dialogue. You could have shown us the look on the old man's face and the brothers' reaction.
So, a big part of the story was missing, IMO. We never understand the connection to the sea witch because we never got to meet the old man, who maybe could have spoken some parting words as a warning to the brothers.
This script did have some good atmosphere, but just not enough substance for me.