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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Spirit of Ben MacDui - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Spirit of Ben MacDui - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3004 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Spirit of Ben MacDui by John C. Woods - Short - Spending their wedding anniversary on a hiking and mountaineering holiday in Scotland, the Lassiter's come face-to-face with a creature of myth and legend.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Seems like this was very quickly done. Easy to read, but;

SPOILER

--> not much revealed about creature that is like bigfoot but speaks Gaelic;
--> or what happened to husband

We were allowed 10 pages, maybe add a few pages of work. The writing is fine. But there's not much story. I kind of want to know about the creature.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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This is the second script I've read using the Fear Liath creature.  And, just like the other script, this one makes scant use of the monster.  The people never really come face to face with the big guy, as the logline states.  He follows them, then paces outside the cave.  So I don't think the monster was effectively used at all.

Liz offs herself awfully quickly.  I mean, her husband just ran out to grab a bag and she makes the decision right there?  We don't know what happened to John, so he could still be alive.  At only 6 pages, you still had plenty of story to tell.  I'm guessing you may have been in a rush to meet the deadline, because this story really felt incomplete.
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screenrider
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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A snowcapped version of Open Water.   I've always been somewhat intrigued by the myth of Sasquatch so I had high expectations when I started reading this.   Kinda turned into a big let down as you never showed us the monster.    This could be a cool story if fleshed out, IMO.   You had plenty of opportunities, but apparently ran out of time or ideas.   SPOILER - I didn't buy Liz killing herself like that.    Straight forward story.  I kinda liked it.    Good effort.

  
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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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The writing here was competent. The tone and atmosphere were good at the start, but started to fade around page 4. Liz hurting her leg that badly on a snow covered mountain pot hole? Not so sure. The tough tomboy in and out of conciousness, for an injury like that? I put a crack on my shin bone and had a lump the size of an apple on it when a piece of 2 inch re bar smacked against it, but apart from about 3 minutes of expletives I carried on working. Some of the Dialouge was over cooked.

John: There's the water in there and the first aid pack. - doesn't sound natural.

If John calls Liz honey one more time, I'll feed him to the Fear Liath myself.

This could have been a real good peice, but the end was just a big no no. Why did Liz kill herself???? Something pacing outside a cave? She has a husband and two children. He's an inqusitive Fear Liath. If I was John,I'd have just given him a banana from the rucksack, patted his big fury head and even asked him to take a few photographs of him and Liz against the backdrop of the mountains. good job on completing the OWC.
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Pard
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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There was a good idea here, but I felt it was played short of its potential.  I was left feeling like the story had more to give.
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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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I wish you explained what happened to John and why Liz killed herself. It ended too abrupt for me.
I also don't know how she got to the cave, I thought she was on the mountain. --almost like you didn't have time to work on the ending.

A bit too easy - he follows them, they die.

The first 5 pages were good, but I wish there was more of a story.
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grademan
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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The Spirit of Ben MacDul * logline should be “almost face to face”  but hey it’s low budget? but that would be the money shot * a good idea in need of better execution * the tension building was good * “don’t look” was my fav line * the bit with the photo of the kids was good if a bit contrived * how does one look beautiful and a tomboy? * I know it’s hard to fill 10 pages but your story could have used the unused pages *
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi, John

Pg 4 - Awfully convenient cave when being aggressively pursued by the fear liath.
Hmm...

Okay.
You don't have children, do you?
I'd attack King Kong with harsh language and handfuls of snow to get back to my babies.

Six pages.
Not bad.
Your format's good.
Keep at your story writing.

GL!



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I was thinking, I sure wouldn't want to be Liz. Alone in a frozen cave, a broken leg, the monster outside...

You definitely created the feel there for me. You might play up the choice she had to end her life. Her husband doesn't come back, she's hungry, shaking etc... That would be the truth of the matter. One knows one is doomed and they just can't handle the pain.

Good job on this.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Leon
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi. There was a stark eeriness to this story that i liked,

SPOILER SPACE


The way the monster was never shown, only their horrific reactions to it.  How Jacob leaves and is left unresolved.  How she takes her own life rather than face the monster outside.  It felt very real.
However ultimately i feel she takes her life far to quickly.  It ends abruptly, it could have a longer slower finish, built up the feeling of isolation and fear before her end.


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dn061903
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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This one fell flat for me.  I just couldn't get into it.  There was no sense exactly what the monster was.  

It was short and a quick read, but it didn't seem like a full story.
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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Good pace to the story, I wanted to know what was going to happen next -- but didn't really care much about the characters.  This script seems like the opening to a longer, more interesting work that I hope you're working on.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Distinct lack of money shots in this one, almost seemingly intentional.
No monster reveal, no clue to John's fate and random suicide with no set up.
We spend the majority of our time with superfluous dialogue.
I liked your anniversary mountain climb set up.
Why you chose to tease the reader for the remainder of the script is a mystery.
You have a pretty decent style, hopefully we'll see some storytelling next time.

E.D.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Good tone and atmosphere at the start. Thought you captured the breathless feelings of the Mountain well early on.

Liked the initial descent into fear of Liz.

Cons

Story rapidly petered out into nothing.

Like others I'm a bit disappointed not to see more of Fear Liath. Not only is he huge and terrifying, he's got the weird psychological horror to him. He's made for these kind of scripts. I'd like to see what you could do with a bit more time spent developing the story.

I can certainly tell that you COULD write a really good story on this topic if you tried again.

EDIT: Reading the review back to myself, it seems slightly harsher than I intended. I think an extension to the story and a few more scenes and maybe an unexpected turn of events and this could be a very nice piece of work.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  March 1st, 2011, 3:09am
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