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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  CAILLIIX - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    CAILLIIX - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3328 views)
wannabe
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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I someone cut my long hair off I would defintely have some kind of reaction.  Even if Reese was afraid to say something, there could have at least been a facial expression.

Too much giving of information instead of showing.  This stuff you tell us in your narrative has to be shown.  If I was swatching the film, how would I see some of these things?  You have to write it that way.  

Bride counts twenty thousand dollars into Reese’s hand." - how do we know how much it is??  If it's important to the story she should count it out loud or say the amount.

"Strange these two 30s males are alone."   Why is is strange?  

"Oui-Do pulls a small version of the doll" - are we supposed to know that there is a larger version??  How can that be conveyed on screen?  You're telling us information again.

"IIII and HHHH, two vertical ladders on a white board." - I have no idea what this means.

"Indeed it is, a TRI-AL-EX painted as a GRAPEVINE. Ned’s seedy complaints are overcome by the NIGHTINGALES’ SONGS." - ????  Again, no idea what this means.

"DIED OCTOBER 31, 2011" - ???  No idea what this or the scene means.

Okay...I'm just lost.  There were some cool visuals in here, the ones I understood.  And I liked some of the creepiness but it just ended up confusing me.  
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Pros

Original, trippy, weird, energetic. Like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest on a mix of PCP, Crack and Military Grade LSD.

Cons

Unfocussed in the sense that it's hard to see the connection between different scenes at times, from one moment to the next and in terms of the story arc. Even towards the end new characters are being introduced...could do with picking just your core few that represent something in particular.

More to do with Enochian Sex Magick and the Qabbalah than Celtic Mythology...which sort of gives the game away as to who wrote it!

Still have a tendency to tell us what to think in the description, rather than showing us on screen.
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bert
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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I recognize this author and their unmistakable style -- and I find what I often find -- which is that I enjoy the individual scenes greater than the sum total.

These scenes are like the pieces of an ill-fitting jigsaw puzzle, where the individual units are shimmery and fun -- and if you hold them to the light just so, you will often find a good bit of amusing wordplay.

From the curious plight of poor Pastor Ned and his tattoo, to the stolen braid woven into a corn doll, to the Bride's unusual pet, there is a great deal of playful imagination on display here.

But when you squish all those pieces together -- with pegs into holes that are not quite aligned -- the picture you get is confusing to the point where you are not sure what you are looking at, exactly.

I think there are too many characters here.  That is certainly part of the problem.  And I think the scope is a bit ambitious for the page count.

In their next outing, this author is encouraged to challenge themselves with a 2 or 3 character limit, and only a minimal number of locations.  I would love to see this clever wordplay applied to a fully coherent story.

I think it would really be something to see.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Leon
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi.  There's a lot going on here, to be honest i had a hard time following the story, i didn't quite get it.  There's definitely a deep universe in here, every line seemed to introduce something new and strange, maybe too much to take in within the page limit.  
The setting confused me, i wasn't sure if this was setting in a sci-fi setting, or more fantasy,  
However, not understanding this did not prevent me from enjoying this, it was very fresh and creative, i would love to see how this would look on screen ( For some reason the movie Dune kept popping into my mind, hope that's not too far off the mark).
Very interested in checking out more of your work.
Leon


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Dreamscale
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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My dearest Sandra...the world would be a much less happy place without your writing, so please, never stop!

But, as I often tell you, I couldn't make it through all the way...not even close, actually.  No clue what's going on or why.  Your scenes don't seem to have anything in common...they jump around like wasted frogs in a pond.  So much crazy description that you're telling us, as opposed to showing us.

And...you've got yuor name on your PDF, but even if you didn't, I think it's fairly obvious who wrote this...you crazy girl, you!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
My dearest Sandra...the world would be a much less happy place without your writing, so please, never stop!

But, as I often tell you, I couldn't make it through all the way...not even close, actually.  No clue what's going on or why.  Your scenes don't seem to have anything in common...they jump around like wasted frogs in a pond.  So much crazy description that you're telling us, as opposed to showing us.

And...you've got yuor name on your PDF, but even if you didn't, I think it's fairly obvious who wrote this...you crazy girl, you!


Hello, Jeff. There are definitely quantum leaps going on that need to be put into a classical framework in order to be understood. But is it possible to create a unified theory between quantum and classical frameworks? I really don't know. Perhaps both are mutually exclusive and only true by definition of the observer, as in the case of that quantum slit experiment.

Vielen dunk to you and to everyone who commented.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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I love the quantum slit experiment, especially the part when they remove the devices that watch the photons or electrons to see which slit the go through...and it changes the behavior! Freaky stuff.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from leitskev
I love the quantum slit experiment, especially the part when they remove the devices that watch the photons or electrons to see which slit the go through...and it changes the behavior! Freaky stuff.


Me too. I think, given the right education, planted in the right place, I would have made a good mathematician/scientist, but ah, well...

Must make do with stupidity, sometimes. Things have to even up.  

I get excited about a lot of things. Like a kid in a great big universal candy store. The Candy Man, (Okay isn't he a bad guy in some horror movie that I haven't seen?) arouses my attention. Bless his heart. But I'd like to kill him, even still.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I get excited about a lot of things. Like a kid in a great big universal candy store. The Candy Man, (Okay isn't he a bad guy in some horror movie that I haven't seen?) arouses my attention. Bless his heart. But I'd like to kill him, even still.

Sandra


I seen all three. I think he's the only horror icon not planned for remake/reboot yet, but that's today. Next week, I wouldn't know...




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley


I seen all three. I think he's the only horror icon not planned for remake/reboot yet, but that's today. Next week, I wouldn't know...




Thanks DJS! Ok, now I'm learning what kind of death the Candy Man met with. How can I want to kill him? I often do have sympathy for the D-vil.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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screenrider
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I often do have sympathy for the D-vil.



He's got none for you.

John 10:10
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from screenrider


He's got none for you.

John 10:10


Maybe not. He made me as I am and I must believe in His Will.

I'll have to look up John 10:10 My memory doesn't always serve.

There is None Else Beside Him...

In other words, thou shalt have no other gods before thee. To think there is someone, a devil, who overpowers G-d in any way, is a false perception:

It is written,

There is None else besides Him. This means that there is no other force in the world that has the ability to do anything against Him. And what man sees, that there are things in the world that deny the Higher Household, the reason is that this is His Will.

And it is deemed a correction, called "the left rejects and the right adducts," meaning that which the left rejects is considered correction. This means that there are things in the world, which, to begin with, aim to divert a person from the right way, and by which he is rejected from Sanctity.

And the benefit from the rejections is that through them a person receives a need and a complete desire for the Creator to help him, since he sees that otherwise he is lost.

**

Judgment is left for the Self. For who knows the footsteps? The one that traveled them,  the one who wore the shoes, the experience for good or bad is the work of G-d. Can I argue with His choice to create evil? I think not.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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shootingduck
Posted: March 8th, 2011, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I have no idea what I just read.  I didn't even understand the log in.  Some of the scenes were interesting, but I could not follow the story at all.  The fact that you were still introducing characters on the 7th or 8th page tells me that this needs to be a longer piece to fully and properly address all of the ideas that you're story wants to raise and develop.

This does read more like a short story than a screenplay however.  This is due to some overly descriptive passages and unfilmable elements.  I understand that this script is trying to be weird and make its audience think, but from a director/producer's standpoint, a script needs to read like a blueprint in order to make sense enough to translate to the screen.
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jwent6688
Posted: March 8th, 2011, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sandra,

This is the last of my owed reads. Meh, i needed a clear head for this. Your writing is sound and enjoyable. Even your dialogue is quite good. I agree with others that this has too many characters.

The way it ended, leaved me to believe thar Bride was looney and imagined all of this for some reason. Reese was alive again, unless the ending is a flashback that takes place before this script even begins. If thats the case, I didn't understand it.

I would've liked to seen a more clear goal for the reason Bride was paying Reese to have her baby. It eluded me. I think this could be a nice creepy script if it were more evident. As it sits, and i see I'm not the only one here, Its difficult to grasp.

Anyway, I enjoy your writing. The descriptions were vivid.

Good job writing a script in a week...

James


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 8th, 2011, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from jwent6688
Hi Sandra,

The way it ended, leaved me to believe thar Bride was looney and imagined all of this for some reason. Reese was alive again, unless the ending is a flashback that takes place before this script even begins. If thats the case, I didn't understand it.

I would've liked to seen a more clear goal for the reason Bride was paying Reese to have her baby. It eluded me. I think this could be a nice creepy script if it were more evident. As it sits, and i see I'm not the only one here, Its difficult to grasp.

James


I agree, James. I was writing backwards with this one. (With everyone. I always write backwards.) It had its evolution with only three characters, and I took it in different directions because I started imagining different POVs and it was all melting together.

The clarity for Bride paying Reese is not terribly evident. I wish it were, but it's much too hidden in dialogue with mentions of (Did I even mention in this version? Have to read it again to find out.)   That she was doing experiments, trying to push the bounds of pain tolerance. Using some whacked combination of magic, blood from her own Triple Helix DNA, (And how the hell do I put that in a ten pager? I'm nuts to try!)

I had considered petri dish stuff, but then too, I kept thinking of the Celtic story of Calleach and that factored into making Bride into quite the goddess, a bit of a damned goddess in many ways, despite her innate sensations of knowing bliss... that bliss, she desires to pass onto others, even if it means Hell in the process.

I know I'll just have to keep writing like Hell, revisiting it from different angles and we'll see what the cards have in store for this one. Maybe something, maybe nothing, but I'm glad I wrote it.

Thank you so much James, and to everyone who commented.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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