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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Devil's Erudition - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Devil's Erudition - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3052 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devil's Erudition by Darshan Singh - Short - A student seeks assistance to enter college from his principal by sacrificing him to a demon knight in hell.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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screenrider
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say this one went nowhere real fast, IMO.  What's up with that ending?  C'mon.   Sorry I couldn't be more positive.  Just thought there wasn't much here.   On the bright side, I can't fault your writing style.   A quick read.   Congrats on completing the OWC.

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screenrider  -  March 5th, 2011, 1:07am
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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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This would make a very lively film, indeed.

I like the dialogue and weirdness and the energy of this very much -- it's the ending that doesn't work for me and after some consideration I think it's this --

SPOILERS

if there's some sort of visible transformation of Owen, so that we realize that a demon really has been summoned, although not what we expected, not what the kids expected, certainly not what Owen expected -- then it might all come together.

Also, those "going for the gold" lines are wasted unless somebody speaks them -- even if it's Owen.
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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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This seems like it has been written by a real veteran writer, and the dialogue was unique and well done. It had a Tarantino feel to it, where people about to commit a horrible crime have an everyday, casual conversation while they do, and it still manages to sound real.

Spoilers---

But where the story ended up, I don't know. Did anything Celtic or supernatural happen? I guess this flew over my head. I didn't even really understand why Owen killed Mark and Shadow. Maybe there's some UK stuff I am missing. Owen's deep down homosexual love bursts out to the light of day and is transfigured into a monster? Fueled by a demon? I have no freaking idea and I just read a third time. A few more clues please.

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leitskev  -  March 7th, 2011, 9:21pm
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dn061903
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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This story was competently written without a doubt.  However, the story did not appeal to me.  I don't know...something about setting fire to some helpless person just doesn't sit well with me.  

Anyway, I also found every character (well, except the principal, who made no impression on me - other than being the helpless victim) incredibly detestable.  Which lead to this being a difficult read for me.  
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Where to begin with this one. First of all, the title. I don't know how it fits.

The first thing I have to say is I thought this would make a good comedy if you
take out all of the swearing and lighten it up with what they intend to do with Principal Greenwood. Then, I think you honestly would have something here because I do feel that you wrote this in the spirit of comedy and you did that well.

I have to say, that the amount of swearing I see in so many scripts is starting to be a real turn off for me, and although I have nothing against swearing in its place, or even if a character is really like that, the amount I see is ridiculous and I think in the future, I'm going to just click "close" on scripts that I don't feel take themselves seriously enough, even in comedy, to pay to attention to this.

Really, it's a bit different, but it's just a Ding-Flash when when you overuse it. It's like food. Spice is good. Spice is nice. But too much and it overpowers you.

Having said that, I really enjoyed Mark's dialogue.

MARK
Behold the magic ring of Solomon.
They are underwhelmed.

SHADOW
Something from your gran?

MARK
No. Ebay.

They remain underwhelmed.

MARK
Thirty-nine pounds.

It's perfectly funny and I can see you are a terrific writer; so don't
ruin and cheapen yourself by splattering the page with rough language.

As far as the end goes, I'd lose the gay part. For me, I'm sick of gay this gay that in television and movies. It too has become overused and doesn't mean a hoot anymore.

Perhaps just have Owen love him in that manly way that hets do.

Potential here for a very funny and good show.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Devil’s Erudition * not bad for an OWC entry * title is too generic * these were a bunch of strange teens * attempting to use demons for a letter of recommendation? * I saw this as a jerky hand held camera shoot * the opening with the ATVs was cool * fav line was “way to go varsity” * least fav line “aye aye mon capitan” * need a powerful ending here * loose the gay motivation or at least foreshadow it
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c m hall
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Regarding the title, there's something called "The Devil's Dictionary" which defines erudition as "dust from a book, shaken into an empty skull" -- which works pretty well for this story, I think.  

I'm not the author, spoiler for me.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from c m hall
Regarding the title, there's something called "The Devil's Dictionary" which defines erudition as "dust from a book, shaken into an empty skull" -- which works pretty well for this story, I think.  

I'm not the author, spoiler for me.


I have lots of dust, books, and yes, some might say an empty skull.   I'm all set. Devil's dictionary, here I come!  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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BryMo
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline spoke to me lol.

But i have a few questions... Why conjur up this demon for A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION?!!? Lets raise the stakes a little but still have it related to a teenagers goals, you know what i mean?

The ending completely ruined whatever you were building with the pacing of this. I was expecting something to pay off because you're a talented writer but i think something got in your way.

I also think if you're going to go with the friend being gay route you should probably foreshadow it earlier in the script. Because as it is now it comes out of nowhere looks like a twist just for the sake of being a twist. In this instance doesn't seem too genuine but with some foreshadowing it could.

Congratulations on a great script! One more rewrite and this would be perfect!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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The ATV opener was a grabber, stark contrast to the motivation reveal at the end.
Kinda reminded me of the football player that terrorized Curt on "Glee".
I'm honestly unsure what part of your tale had much to with the challenge parameters.
Incompetent vulgar teens invoking Satan for a letter of recommendation.
I don't get to write that every day in a post.
Perhaps this might play better if Greenwood is a mean tosser?
You have a good grasp of format. Thanks for playing.

E.D.


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wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Some nice touches in this - the banter between the students was well done - the writing tight and strong.  (The character all had distinct voices, also a good point.)

Liked the twist, as well - but the ending needs to be fleshed out a good deal more.  Make it clearer who kills who...and why.  The details got suddenly rather muddy at the end...clean them up, and it'll be a sharp, snappy tale!

Cheers,

WV
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the fact that we started right in, and while some folks up there didn't like the demons being used for the Letters Of recommendation-- I read this as something less horror and more of a horror satire. I mean, it had to be, right? The F bomb is the only word the characters know, it seems.

Profanity, in my view is sometimes needed, but not always needed. It should be used sparingly. When every other character drops he F bomb, it does get tiresome after awhile. Being offended or not has little to do with it. When it gets to a pitch where they are just there to just be there, it slows things down. Note when other folks read x amount of scripts that have characters who sound the same with profane rants...there is nothing to make this stand out, short script or not.

I was up and down here. I barely got through it, and I was going to go easy, but then that last line summed it all up, and it was clear to me the script was written to be stupid. Fin---but I wasn't amused, and I didn'tt find any of the scriipt funny or quirky. So Why ....



====SPOLIER R US====

Quoted Text
Greenwood isn’t going to go home with the gold after all.


^^^^write that? It's the writer's inside joke to the reader, like you didn't give a care what you wrote or why you wrote it. That's how it came across to me, anyway. Maybe i's just me. But that is a little lazy..

Still, good going in completing the OWC.


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khamanna
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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I liked it and was prepared to say it's one of my favorites but then Owen's love happened...
I was waiting to see what exactly he's planning to do with Greenwood. He could blackmail Greenwood into signing the letter that he needs but he brought him to the woods to do some voodoo and he needed Greenwood for that - so what was he going to do?

And then it went astray, you switched the POV to Owen and Mark, then abrupt ending and that's it. It's like you're teasing your reader.

I'm still curious. I'll check on it when the writers are out.
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wannabe
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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This started out very strong but then ended up dragging a bit when nothing new was happening.  The dialog was very good but after a while we just weren't learning anything new or IMO very imprtant.  I think if you trimmed some pages off it would keep the tension going.  

The end...sort of lost me there.
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