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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite


Erkkk!  Honestly, the book's pretty horrible. Someone left it in our building's laundry room when it first hit the newstands, and I read it out of curosity.  It's soccer mom porn, really.  Not exactly high level prose...     But really fun to riff on, nonetheless.


Yeah, but props to the writer tho, made a lot of bank off it.

If I wrote a book and became a multi-millionaire, I wouldn't care one jot.



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DanC
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


Lol, two minutes to get your end away before the world ends.

Fifty Shades seems to very popular these days, especially with the recent release of the movie (which I liked btw, and I never even read the books)



Max,
Please turn in your man card for liking 50 shades of grey for any reason at all.
Thank you.
Signed
Men.

I know my man card is in "jail" right now for liking Abba, but, I have heard that movie was BAD.  Like really bad.  

Sorry I haven't been on much today.  I plan to read everyone's stuff a bit later on.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


Max,
Please turn in your man card for liking 50 shades of grey for any reason at all.
Thank you.
Signed
Men.

I know my man card is in "jail" right now for liking Abba, but, I have heard that movie was BAD.  Like really bad.  

Sorry I haven't been on much today.  I plan to read everyone's stuff a bit later on.

Dan


Haha, nah nah, the girl in the film was fit.

A bad film to me is like, Ouija - arguably the worst film I've ever seen.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Both Ouija and 50 Shades are absolutely dreadful!

Saw Mr Holmes today, movie of the year so far IMHO... and the writing is brilliant!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Quoted from Max


Was my review anything close to what you were intending with the piece?


yes, indeed, it is her story. the question raised is whether someone stuck with a fear of the future, which governs their actions in a restrictive form, would be changed by the revolution that this and gone.

alas no, it is an illness after all.

However, this is an emotionally directed story and steve raises some points i have reflected on. in short feedback like the both of you have offered have just helped me tweak it - for the better. i think the concept is sound but getting this across in tow pages is the challenge. thats why i love this length of script, every word matters. new draft on its way.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/nh21jn6pxtgn9fg/untamed.pdf?dl=0


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Both Ouija and 50 Shades are absolutely dreadful!

Saw Mr Holmes today, movie of the year so far IMHO... and the writing is brilliant!

Anthony


I'll take 50 Shades over Ouija, any day of the week.

I'd even take Keith Lemon film.


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DanC
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


I'll take 50 Shades over Ouija, any day of the week.

I'd even take Keith Lemon film.


I don't care how bad Ouija was, it has to be a zillion times better then Zombie Lake.  The thing is, Ouija should be a good idea for a story.  The original witchboard wasn't half bad.  Naturally, the sequels were bad b/c every sequel has to be bigger then the one before.

It's odd, but, for movies, most sequels are worse then the originals.  There are a few that are as good, or better, like Godfather, Star Wars, and Aliens, but, mostly, that isn't the case.

Now, video games are the opposite.  Later versions of popular titles are better.  Skyrim was better then Oblivion.  Fallout 3 was better then 2.  There are plenty of other success stories too.  

So, once has to wonder why are video games better, but, movies aren't?  IMO, movies try to do too much to "one-up" the original.  That isn't needed.  Have a good story.  Show it.  People will come.  Alien was the exception to that, but, they went from horror to sci-fi.  So, that worked.  

I'd add Terminator in, barely.  I know T2 is a hit now, in retrospect, but, man, when it came out, people hated it.  And i find it really funny, but, the part that people love now, her dream, was blasted as dumb when it came out.  Really odd how that happened.  Sometimes, I think people don't know what they have until years go by.

I admit, I thought Last Action Hero was a very interesting idea for a movie.  I could easily see that as a series, ala once upon a time...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
... yes, indeed, it is her story. the question raised is whether someone stuck with a fear of the future, which governs their actions in a restrictive form, would be changed by the revolution that this and gone.

alas no, it is an illness after all.

However, this is an emotionally directed story and steve raises some points i have reflected on. in short feedback like the both of you have offered have just helped me tweak it - for the better. i think the concept is sound but getting this across in tow pages is the challenge. thats why i love this length of script, every word matters. new draft on its way.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/nh21jn6pxtgn9fg/untamed.pdf?dl=0


Bill, I think this is a great premise but I think it could be far more powerful.


Is it Dr Phipp or Dr Jones (Jones on intro)

DOCTOR
You know that fear you have, about what
could happen tomorrow, there's not
going to be one.

That line (above) just doesn't sit well with me. Apart from the fact it comes across as pure exposition with regard to what Mary suffers from, (and we don't need it, cause it's visually going to be obvious - two people sitting on either side of a closed door) it just sounds on the nose to me. Mary already said she heard the news on the radio so I just feel like this line of the Doc's is highly insensitive as well i.e., let's rub it in.

Also, she's obviously agoraphobic, but she's a hoarder as well? I think it'd be stronger if you left it at the fact she won't come outside - is a shut-in. Hmm, I suppose things could get messy if you never venture out, are depressed etc.

DOCTOR
My son lives abroad. The phones
don't work, I can't say goodbye.

I think just a visual would work better. Doctors and certain professionals rarely give away their own life stories and I know that these are extraordinary circumstances but if you cut this dialogue and we see his reaction only - his silence, and then he changes the subject back to Mary - cause afterall it is all about her, then I think not only have you got more space left for other pithy dialogue but I think it'd be more effective. It's Mary's story - Doc's come all this way to see her, on this day.

DOCTOR
I thought I could help you. My last patient.

I think you could leave that out too - it's clear why he's there.

MARY
I'm sorry Doc. I've let you down. I
can't get out of this house,

I'd like to make a suggestion that instead of Mary saying she feels she's let the Doc down - the Doc actually confesses he feels he's let her down. He's the professional and he's failed her. This is his last day on earth as well so it's possible he wants to achieve something to make him feel like his life's work was important. It works on two levels too cause even if he's lyinghe'll do anything at this point to lure her into the outside world. He's desperate.

MARY
But it's not. We're just part
of natureís great game. It's cruel.
I think the 'it's cruel' line is overkill. No pun intended.

Finally, I think it'd be really effective if instead of them visiting a grave there's a loved one of Mary's standing outside with the Doc. (the other son or daughter, for example) - that'd be so dramatic because her fear is still so great she can't be lured out even for him or her. He or she could stay silent for most of the interaction and finally reveal they are there.

And, seeing as it's a line you sort of use, why didn't you call it 'No More Tomorrow' or 'No Tomorrow' - (perhaps you're thinking there might be a few with that title. 'Untamed' sounds a little like it could be anything from Mills and Boone, to Black Beauty.

I don't mean to sound harsh here Bill, but I feel you could do so much more with the core idea, which is terrific.


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DanC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


Bill, I think this is a great premise but I think it could be far more powerful.


Is it Dr Phipp or Dr Jones (Jones on intro)

DOCTOR
You know that fear you have, about what
could happen tomorrow, there's not
going to be one.

That line (above) just doesn't sit well with me. Apart from the fact it comes across as pure exposition with regard to what Mary suffers from, (and we don't need it, cause it's visually going to be obvious - two people sitting on either side of a closed door) it just sounds on the nose to me. Mary already said she heard the news on the radio so I just feel like this line of the Doc's is highly insensitive as well i.e., let's rub it in.

Also, she's obviously agoraphobic, but she's a hoarder as well? I think it'd be stronger if you left it at the fact she won't come outside - is a shut-in. Hmm, I suppose things could get messy if you never venture out, are depressed etc.

DOCTOR
My son lives abroad. The phones
don't work, I can't say goodbye.

I think just a visual would work better. Doctors and certain professionals rarely give away their own life stories and I know that these are extraordinary circumstances but if you cut this dialogue and we see his reaction only - his silence, and then he changes the subject back to Mary - cause afterall it is all about her, then I think not only have you got more space left for other pithy dialogue but I think it'd be more effective. It's Mary's story - Doc's come all this way to see her, on this day.

DOCTOR
I thought I could help you. My last patient.

I think you could leave that out too - it's clear why he's there.

MARY
I'm sorry Doc. I've let you down. I
can't get out of this house,

I'd like to make a suggestion that instead of Mary saying she feels she's let the Doc down - the Doc actually confesses he feels he's let her down. He's the professional and he's failed her. This is his last day on earth as well so it's possible he wants to achieve something to make him feel like his life's work was important. It works on two levels too cause even if he's lyinghe'll do anything at this point to lure her into the outside world. He's desperate.

MARY
But it's not. We're just part
of natureís great game. It's cruel.
I think the 'it's cruel' line is overkill. No pun intended.

Finally, I think it'd be really effective if instead of them visiting a grave there's a loved one of Mary's standing outside with the Doc. (the other son or daughter, for example) - that'd be so dramatic because her fear is still so great she can't be lured out even for him or her. He or she could stay silent for most of the interaction and finally reveal they are there.

And, seeing as it's a line you sort of use, why didn't you call it 'No More Tomorrow' or 'No Tomorrow' - (perhaps you're thinking there might be a few with that title. 'Untamed' sounds a little like it could be anything from Mills and Boone, to Black Beauty.

I don't mean to sound harsh here Bill, but I feel you could do so much more with the core idea, which is terrific.




Hey Bill,
    I'm gonna pile on after LC did.  I agree with almost everything she said.  Except for the cruel part, I'd leave that in.  I guess that's a personal preference.  I feel that way too, a lot of the time.  Life can be cruel.

I'd like to know why she became agoraphobic.  There is usually a reason.

I hated the end.  I think you have such a powerful idea Bill.  I mean, I was riveted up till the last word.  then I hated it.  I don't know how much you know about the condition, but, it can be a paralyzing fear.  Just awful.  I wouldn't be shocked if I don't have a very mild case of it b/c I don't really enjoy being outside much.  For me, it's about the pain that I know I will be in the next day.

Back to the story, it was SOOOOOOOO good.  I mean, really awesome.  But, why is she a hoarder too?  

I agree the Dr should say he failed her.  Perhaps that gives her the courage to open up that door b/c her empathy overpowers her fear.  Perhaps he can use the fact that he can't ever see his son as a tool to get her to open up the door (spending my time with you instead of wasting my time with dead phones and internet).  I loved 95% of it.  It's that good.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, further to what Dan said:

We're just part
of natureís great game. It's cruel.

It might be more effective as:

We're all just part of nature's cruel game.

And, despite the fact this woman is never coming out Dan's suggestion of the Doc saying he's all alone is a good one too.


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DanC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hmm, further to what Dan said:

We're just part
of natureÔŅĹs great game. It's cruel.

It might be more effective as:

We're just part of nature's cruel game.

And, despite the fact this woman is never coming out Dan's suggestion of the Doc saying he's all alone is a good one too.




Damn it LC.
That was my one good idea for the month.  May as well go back to sleep.  

But, I agree with both things she said.  I like how she wrote that sentence and I do think the Dr should play dirty.  I mean, who's gonna report him for ethics violations?

Dan

PS here is my newest entry.  If you guys feel this is too close to Janet's then I will pull it down, but, I think it's different enough.  But, I don't wish to piggy back...
It's called "the most noble of them all.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/11bv5rlvnjw1mgn/The%20Most%20Elevated%20Of%20Them%20All.pdf?dl=0

Wow, I'm on a roll tonight.  Here is another one.  It's called "Who reads the fine print."

https://www.dropbox.com/s/5nk46f3qmvvx7x1/Who%20Reads%20the%20Fine%20Print%3F.pdf?dl=0

And they keep coming.
This is about a superhero is just too good to be true.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/o9v3fjli9h73d2c/The%20Final%20Save.pdf?dl=0

And my last of the night.  Wow, I can't believe I wrote so much in just 2.5 hrs!!  4 different stories that have nothing in common.
This is called the Bunker and it is about a guy who creates a bunker to survive a crash from an asteroid.  What could go wrong?

https://www.dropbox.com/s/gwobk4ellvdebdb/The%20Bunker.pdf?dl=0


I'm headed to bed now.  I'm in agony.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan

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DanC  -  June 22nd, 2015, 2:22am
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Ledbetter
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hmm, further to what Dan said:

We're just part
of natureís great game. It's cruel.

It might be more effective as:

We're all just part of nature's cruel game.

And, despite the fact this woman is never coming out Dan's suggestion of the Doc saying he's all alone is a good one too.



This is why I love to troll late night SS.

You just might find Libby out and about.  

Shawn.....><



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LC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
This is why I love to troll late night SS. You just might find Libby out and about.  

Typical Davis cheek.  



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Not sure if I was clear on my point Mark.  In some scripts, the characters already know that the end is at hand when the story opens - so as a reader I can envision that they have already processed the fact that all are going to die and the balance of the script involves them dealing with that fact.

In some scripts - like the one here - the character just learns that they are going to die (e.g., answer the phone - "what - no way - okay - bye"). In all those cases - the subsequent initial reactions seem unrealistic because it always has the tone of someone telling them their cable is out rather than the world is facing mass extinction.

Long winded way of saying - I think the scripts that open with the characters already knowing the bad news are far more effective.   Take Anthony's script for example. When he opens, the two expectant mothers already know that the end is near and therefore the entire two pages can deal with the impact of the tragedy (and in the case of Anthony's script = perfectly done). In the scripts where they learn of it half way in the response, by necessity, is too brief and tame for what is about to happen and takes away writing space for the reaction.


I see what you mean now. I agree, if they already know the end is at hand you donít have to convey the whole range of emotions someone would go through, in fact you donít have time to go through the anger, tears, fear and get to acceptance; you are already there.  If such an event did occur, some people would be caught with only minutes to spare and I did want to try and get that across. I wanted to convey a happy family who are caught out and spread apart by circumstance.  They canít get back together, thereís just him and his daughter. He wants to protect her but he canít so he softens the blow.

If I start off with them knowing the question would rise, why isnít he with his wife and other child? Why are they just sat there in the garden? So Iíd have to explain and that would either take up some white space or seem like exposition. I could change it so the family are all together from the start so Iíll ponder that.

When he goes inside to chat to his wife the conversation isnít brief, thatís why I have the scene heading as LATER instead of MOMENTS LATER but I agree this isnít easy to get across unless I show the conversation, which I donít have time for.  

HmmmmÖwhat to do, what to do?

Maybe if the mother is on the phone from the very start and she stays on the phone, even though the signal comes and goes? We could assume the conversation has happened before the script starts and then I donít have to go through Dad running in and out of the house, I can really hit the emotional keys straight from the first line.

-Mark




For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


I know my man card is in "jail" right now for liking Abba...


I hate to break this to you, mate. Your man card's never getting out. I think it's already been executed.


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