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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14961 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Dan and Libby - much appreciate the feedback. Lots to think about. How to compact a story with back story into two pages. Great challenge.

Dan

The most sincere

I haven't read Janet's but I agree I can picture a few on similar lines. The question you have to ask yourself, as we all do if we enter, ifswhether our script will stand out. And  will it be easy to film will be another  important factor.

I also think we should all consider scripts that bespoke to specific times, as they will have a time line, some which are in the dark part of the world and some which they can drip feed through the whole film.

Back to script.

This is easy to film ..ish...working with animals is always a tricky one, especially several. I just wondered whether you could focus on two fighting dogs, who don't . Say they were resuced from an illegal fight. That way it is contained and a little more punchy. Like mine I think we can trim the exposition and seek to rely on others ways. Eg your line on catastrophes, could just be...'you know, don't you' we then get the drift they are putting things to one side.  


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Dan

Who reads the fine print

Not sure this works for me. First off they have asked for low budget scripts, this starts with  a biggie scene.

A few typos - SECRET bunker

I kind of got what you were saying, that the world who fooled by a tribute, or was it coincidence etc but it wasn't very clear, especially whey the Iranian leader is there etc

Now, officials trying to save themselves in a bunker, forgetting everyone else, that has legs. It could also be contained. Again, I would imagine we will see this type of entry but can you come up with one that's different?


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dustin
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 3:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


I think this one has some legs. You can drop the exposition though.

Code

DOCTORMy son lives abroad. The phones don't work, I can't say goodbye. But, Mary, you can. I thought I could help you. My last patient.



My last patient. Kill it, it's nasty.



Code

MARYI'm sorry Doc. I've let you down. I can't get out of this house, can't visit Ellie's grave, can't do anything right. It has me.



I don't like the first line. I'm sorry Doc, I've let you down. It's more like she's physically disabled than mental. I think it's a step too far. And the last line... it has me... I'd drop that too.

Hm, now that I've got to the end, I'm not so sure. If you had pulled it off in two pages where he brings her around using the logic of no more tomorrow then that would have worked for me. This way I'm not so sure it does... but that's my opinion. Just one voice... and I'm very picky about what I watch.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC




Damn it LC.
That was my one good idea for the month.  May as well go back to sleep.  

But, I agree with both things she said.  I like how she wrote that sentence and I do think the Dr should play dirty.  I mean, who's gonna report him for ethics violations?

Dan

PS here is my newest entry.  If you guys feel this is too close to Janet's then I will pull it down, but, I think it's different enough.  But, I don't wish to piggy back...
It's called "the most noble of them all.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/11bv5rlvnjw1mgn/The%20Most%20Elevated%20Of%20Them%20All.pdf?dl=0

Wow, I'm on a roll tonight.  Here is another one.  It's called "Who reads the fine print."

https://www.dropbox.com/s/5nk46f3qmvvx7x1/Who%20Reads%20the%20Fine%20Print%3F.pdf?dl=0

And they keep coming.
This is about a superhero is just too good to be true.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/o9v3fjli9h73d2c/The%20Final%20Save.pdf?dl=0

And my last of the night.  Wow, I can't believe I wrote so much in just 2.5 hrs!!  4 different stories that have nothing in common.
This is called the Bunker and it is about a guy who creates a bunker to survive a crash from an asteroid.  What could go wrong?

https://www.dropbox.com/s/gwobk4ellvdebdb/The%20Bunker.pdf?dl=0


I'm headed to bed now.  I'm in agony.

Dan


Hey Dan, you were on a roll last night!

Most Noble Ė Did seem to me to be similar to Janetís but there will be loads similar to each other, even unintentionally.  I like the idea of the dogs being calm and getting along while the humans regress. I donít think we need Susan to tell the audience this though, it sounds like exposition. The action is enough I think to get this across.

Just a note from the website Ė They state ĎIn our story, the world does not descend into total anarchy or chaos (we can't stage this on challenging resources). There will be some chaos of course, and many people would of course abandon their jobs and services would most likely grind to a halt, like transport, communications, the internet. Of course, some people would remain to serve others. Just avoid large scale 'on screen' social breakdown.í

So bear this in mind when writing these.

Who Reads the Fine Print Ė See my note above lol! A big budget production and you are changing the story. The impact does happen, in your story you are saying itís a fake broadcast just like the original War of the Worlds.

The Final Save Ė I see you manage to sneak in a superhero script and try to use the mental patient as a way to explain it but thatís just like the Ďitís all a dreamí ploy and I donít think it works. Itís way over the budget guidelines anyway but bless you for trying haha!

The Bunker Ė Sounds big budget but you may get away with it if you donít show anything that the characters are talking about. Iím no  scientist but if the Earth went out of orbit would it freeze us in 5 seconds?

Out of all of them I like Most Noble the best and it seems to fit the parameters the most, but itís up to you of course.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DanC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


Hey Dan, you were on a roll last night!

Most Noble Ė Did seem to me to be similar to Janetís but there will be loads similar to each other, even unintentionally.  I like the idea of the dogs being calm and getting along while the humans regress. I donít think we need Susan to tell the audience this though, it sounds like exposition. The action is enough I think to get this across.

Just a note from the website Ė They state ĎIn our story, the world does not descend into total anarchy or chaos (we can't stage this on challenging resources). There will be some chaos of course, and many people would of course abandon their jobs and services would most likely grind to a halt, like transport, communications, the internet. Of course, some people would remain to serve others. Just avoid large scale 'on screen' social breakdown.í

So bear this in mind when writing these.

Who Reads the Fine Print Ė See my note above lol! A big budget production and you are changing the story. The impact does happen, in your story you are saying itís a fake broadcast just like the original War of the Worlds.

The Final Save Ė I see you manage to sneak in a superhero script and try to use the mental patient as a way to explain it but thatís just like the Ďitís all a dreamí ploy and I donít think it works. Itís way over the budget guidelines anyway but bless you for trying haha!

The Bunker Ė Sounds big budget but you may get away with it if you donít show anything that the characters are talking about. Iím no  scientist but if the Earth went out of orbit would it freeze us in 5 seconds?

Out of all of them I like Most Noble the best and it seems to fit the parameters the most, but itís up to you of course.

-Mark



Hi Mark,
     thanks so much for reading my ideas.  I was on a roll last night and will pay for it today.  I was in such pain that I had to get up and take an extra pain medication.  

Yeah, about the dog one, I merely state that the noise is getting louder.  I never actually show anything, on purpose, to keep it low budget.  We don't know what is happening outside.  I figured that it would fall into the "some chaos" since I never show outside.  Perhaps that's not good enough.  Oh, and I wanted to have her say that it isn't normal that dogs get along and don't fight.  It's a pretty rare occurrence, but, I have seen at times when animals do help each other out.

For the fine print, I thought they could just use stock footage that you see in all those horror movies like resident evil or walking dead.  Unless the laws changed, you can legally use up to 5 seconds of any movie w/o paying for it.  And the bunker could be anything really.  It could even be a safe house.

The superhero one, I might scrap.  I had wanted to do a superhero one, but, I might just be tossing money away.  And that title, even if I did get negative feedback, I can't do much with another story (no refunds).   I liked the symmetry of all the people he saved were people he interacted with.  You could tell who he liked and who he didn't.

Same thing for the bunker.  I don't show anything, just a hallway with a terminal in it.  So, I thought that wouldn't be expensive to shoot.  Oh, yeah, if the would was to be thrown off it's orbit by (I think) more then 5 degrees, all life on it would end.  The sort of impact they are having would certainly shoot it past the moon, which would end all life up to like 500 feet below the ground.  They didn't factor in for temps in the negative 300 F.

I have one more story left to write.  It's a high concept that is WAYYYYY outside the box.

Thanks again
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DanC
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I hate to break this to you, mate. Your man card's never getting out. I think it's already been executed.


Dude, that's harsh.  Really harsh.  I'm gonna cry.  Oh wait, that's more crimes against man stuff!  Damn it, I can't win.

Gonna play Abba, no wait, not Abba, I mean , um, Black Sabbath.  Yeah, man stuff.  

truth be told, I have a lot of music.  Over 8K songs.

Dan

Last story idea I had.  This one is very high concept.  I hope people get it.  I know I was very influenced by a sister poem.  I won't give away too much.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/b83viitk8qrodcy/What%20on%20Earth%21%20Too.pdf?dl=0


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan

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DanC  -  June 22nd, 2015, 6:19am
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Angry Bear
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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I have six of these, but I have to ask, what's the rush posting them already? Isn't there still ten weeks left?


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Max
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Yeah, 10 weeks by the looks of things.

Y'all got all the time in the world.  Spend a week on a script if you need to, or want to.

You can over-cook a script tho don't forget.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
I have six of these, but I have to ask, what's the rush posting them already? Isn't there still ten weeks left?


Personally, I wouldn't post them there, when I can post them here and get some straight forward feedback without the kid gloves. Plus I can choose which to ditch etc


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, if you've done a script just link it here and get some quick feedback.

Even if you are super-confident that you've done everything right, it gives me something new to read anyway.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Quoted from Dustin


I think this one has some legs. You can drop the exposition though.

Code

DOCTORMy son lives abroad. The phones don't work, I can't say goodbye. But, Mary, you can. I thought I could help you. My last patient.



My last patient. Kill it, it's nasty.



Code

MARYI'm sorry Doc. I've let you down. I can't get out of this house, can't visit Ellie's grave, can't do anything right. It has me.



I don't like the first line. I'm sorry Doc, I've let you down. It's more like she's physically disabled than mental. I think it's a step too far. And the last line... it has me... I'd drop that too.

Hm, now that I've got to the end, I'm not so sure. If you had pulled it off in two pages where he brings her around using the logic of no more tomorrow then that would have worked for me. This way I'm not so sure it does... but that's my opinion. Just one voice... and I'm very picky about what I watch.


God you've got me thinking dustin - reversing the outcome. Hummm....

It's not what I was trying to achieve, which was that illnesses like this just don't go away - but you know what it may work better. Time for another version.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,

You could always have Mary walking out the door into a sea of white light.  Don't show the outside at all, just set the whole thing in the house, which would reflect being trapped in one place, and you trap the audience in one location as well.

The white light could represent an after-life, or a new life without fear.  And maybe the dude ain't a Doctor, maybe it's god, convincing her to make that leap to another world.

That could be an alternative ending.

Just throwing ideas out there.


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Angry Bear
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max

Even if you are super-confident that you've done everything right, it gives me something new to read anyway.

I am rather confident!  

I will post here, just not this far out. I agree with Janet though, these are kind of like popcorn, hard to stop.  



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Max
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Script junkies...


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eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


Maybe if the mother is on the phone from the very start and she stays on the phone, even though the signal comes and goes? We could assume the conversation has happened before the script starts and then I donít have to go through Dad running in and out of the house, I can really hit the emotional keys straight from the first line.

-Mark




I like that change - it'll work



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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