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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14960 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey ian, I liked that.

I get what dustin is saying and it's probably true. The question is whether this still could work on screen, and I think it probably could. If so I would push the age of frank, not able to walk the dog,  realises the dog is missing out, and the dog feels it too - that would be the on screen justification - the girl full of energy. He gets it. I would make it clear to him that this is the end. He is selfless - then you can have a poignant ending of him being alone. Winner.

Tall guy can be lost - I didn't feel he added anything. Focus on the others. Nice idea though.

I'll have a new version up of one of my troubled scripts and would appreciate a fresh set of eyes.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DanC
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey ian, I liked that.

I get what dustin is saying and it's probably true. The question is whether this still could work on screen, and I think it probably could. If so I would push the age of frank, not able to walk the dog,  realises the dog is missing out, and the dog feels it too - that would be the on screen justification - the girl full of energy. He gets it. I would make it clear to him that this is the end. He is selfless - then you can have a poignant ending of him being alone. Winner.

Tall guy can be lost - I didn't feel he added anything. Focus on the others. Nice idea though.

I'll have a new version up of one of my troubled scripts and would appreciate a fresh set of eyes.


Hey Bill
     Link to the new story?  I'm in the process of taking all the notes and rewriting mine.  I'm moving forward with all 5, so far.  I might cut one or 2...

LMK the story u want read.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the idea but agree with Dustin in terms of how likely the dog would be to go so easily...

How about the dog starts to go, turns back and the kid says 'you can come too'?

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I liked the idea but agree with Dustin in terms of how likely the dog would be to go so easily...

How about the dog starts to go, turns back and the kid says 'you can come too'?

Anthony


I like the latter idea, but I still don't like how easily this guy gave up his dog, it doesn't make me warm to him... it makes me think, why would he give away the only thing he loves. This dog is a living thing, a friend. Giving away a possession is fine, even his only possession. The dog doesn't count as a possession.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Quoted from DanC


Hey Bill
     Link to the new story?  I'm in the process of taking all the notes and rewriting mine.  I'm moving forward with all 5, so far.  I might cut one or 2...

LMK the story u want read.

Dan


Still rough and ready, but this knocking out a two pager is fun...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/3dj54p7uwbwqljk/what%20lurks%20outside.pdf?dl=0

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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@Dustin - agree, he needs more motivation... what if the girl said something like 'I've never had a dog, now I never will'... it'll be all the more poignant when he reluctantly hands it over.

Again just a thought

@Bill - liked this, but a couple of elements of dialogue were a little expositiony... e.g. the grave line... you could end with them at the graveside in front of Ellie's tombstone?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Bill,

Code

DOCTOR
Mary, there's a huge asteroid. It's going to hit any minute. 
All life will end. The world's in chaos, phones don't work. 
My son lives abroad. When I realised I couldn't say goodbye, 
I thought of you.



I don't think your story really starts till here. Let the images tell the story. These guys know each other well. Start here (obviously with some description) like the boxes.

Would she believe him, or would she consider it a trick to get her outside?

Yeah, because after that she has a too quick turnaround. Whereas if you start with this statement then you've got almost two pages for the turnaround.


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IamGlenn
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Thank you all for taking a look and for all the feedback and suggestions.

I agree about the dog leaving a bit too easily. I suppose I was trying to show that the dog knows it would make this girl incredibly happy and there is no need to stay with the old man anymore. Dogs can sense danger and all that so he knows its time to help the girl out. Hard to get it all across in 2 pages. I'll fiddle around with it though and see what I can come up with.


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IamGlenn
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Bill,

Just read yours. I liked it.

I get the feeling though, like me, you found it tough to tell the story you wanted in two pages. This has the feeling of a snippet of quite an interesting story that I'd like to read. Like who is Ellie and what is up with Mary?

As it is, though, it's lacking that bit of bite which is hard to get into two pages.


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DanC
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Dustin
Bill,

Code

DOCTOR
Mary, there's a huge asteroid. It's going to hit any minute. 
All life will end. The world's in chaos, phones don't work. 
My son lives abroad. When I realised I couldn't say goodbye, 
I thought of you.



I don't think your story really starts till here. Let the images tell the story. These guys know each other well. Start here (obviously with some description) like the boxes.

Would she believe him, or would she consider it a trick to get her outside?

Yeah, because after that she has a too quick turnaround. Whereas if you start with this statement then you've got almost two pages for the turnaround.



Bill,
     I agree with Dustin.  The story starts right there.  Everything else doesn't count.  

I also think he'd need proof to show her that he isn't lying.  I think that's your story.  Getting her to come out of the house.  Putting in his own son is good for his motivation.  Let the story tell itself.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Yo, hope you're all fine. I just try to help here because I saw a similar movie in the past, made of several short stories.

I read a lot of your stuff here but the only scripts concept wise, that I think are good, are the one with giving birth in the last minute and the one with using the last moment for another drug trip.

The point I critique most is that many stories have lines such as Dustin quoted from Reef's script, I think. Just imagine how many scripts have an input like: Look girl there's the asteroid, the end nears blah... again and again... V.O. radio messages again and again...

But that's boring and repetitive. They don't need to tell this 20 times. That would be nonsense.

I also think they have a certain plotline for some stuff.

Just saying I think they want to see people, real people doing things:

The Buddhist-father taking his bald head kiddy to a last meditation at the temple
A surfer naturalist waiting for the last wave, alone in the ocean.
A Park full of pets left by their owners
Guys taking drugs
Hectic, chaos
A birth
A couple who says the truth to themselves the first time... etc.
People lost their faith, or experience faith

I don't spend my money on this project, so perhaps I have a cold view on things here. Really, there were a lot of ideas, not only by you people, which read a bit over the top.


@ah, Dustin almost forgot. Your drug Story would be much more interesting, if they run for the drugs and finally take it. Show the people how extreme they are when pushing some coke, that would be a valuable slot for one of those 50 stories... Not everyone's farmiliar to this, so interesting pictures instead of dialogue...

Sorry no grammar check this time, just trying to give some input for all your investments.

Work with Pictures, our earth is on stake.... hope to help
Read you soon



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DanC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Dustin


Hey thanks. I've lost interest in this thing now but I gave yours a read. I understand what you're going for here, but I feel that a dog has feelings too and probably wouldn't want to go with that girl. I think you should change it to a puppet or something. As a dog lover, it doesn't gel with me that the dog would leave so easily.

I once bought a boxer dog from somebody and she missed her last owners so much she cried for weeks, and took at least two months to get used to us.


Hey Dustin
    Even though you executed my man card, I am still gonna be nice to you.

I actually wish you'd come back into the contest.  I liked your story.  I thought it had some good value.

I read the offending story in question and man, you were spot on.  And I'm not talking about the english as her second language.  That was clear and it is what it is.

But, man, the story was generic.  No names for the mom and daughter.  And did you see her reason?  So she didn't have to give them a backstory with ethnicity and what not.  What a bunch of crock.

Her story did have flaws.  And on here, it wouldn't fly.

Which brings me to my point.  but, first a story:

When I played magic at the pro levels, I visited a store here locally that I had never been to.  The people there were kinda rude and overconfident.  They were having a big tournament and I was invited to bring as many people as I wanted to.  After all, we'd be donating money to their pot.

So, day of the tournament happens, and we walk in, and a few say "wow, look at the scrubs that scrub brought in, we're gonna have a lot for our prizes."

Kid u not, that was what said.
8 of us walked in.  Top 8 got to play for the big prizes.  About 30 people there that day.

All 8 of up placed top 8, not a single one of them got a sniff of the prizes.  We were just too good.

Which brings me to the point.
This site has a lot of good writers on it.  How awesome would it be if multiple people on here placed and did well?  How awesome would that be?

If they are really going after the best of the best, let these writers have their flaws.  Tell them what they want to hear.  There're like the people telling my friends and myself that they will win all the prizes.

Let our writing show them how it's done.  You're a good writer.  There are a lot of good guys on here.  A lot of good writers who deserve a break.  Perhaps this is a shot at a break.  Who knows, you might not win top 50, but, a judge might like your style and hire you.  

Lets take as many of the top 50 as we can, and you know why?

BECAUSE WE CAN, DAMN IT!!

So, I'm calling out LC, Dustin, Pia, Max, and all the others who haven't committed to entering yet.  Lets claim all those spots!!

Who's with me???

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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I might put a couple of entries in - plenty of time to go yet. We'll see...

I think Alex made a few good points btw. It's about anticipating/predicting the sameness of a lot of entries, and making your idea stand out from the pack.

They cited an example with the 'Kisses' project and said they got a lot of entries with same common theme - confession/death bed, and something else... I can't remember exactly.

Imagine being a selector of scripts for this. No easy task, if you ask me, in terms of coming up with a satisfying (beginning, middle and end) narrative with some cohesiveness of plot, and all the entries complementing one another.  I suppose it's a matter of picking the best from each Act and hoping it'll all come together. And of course good writing and dialogue.

Did anyone see the Kisses film? And if so, was it successful/entertaining to watch? I might see if some of it is on Youtube. Just curious.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Libs,

I found the Kisses film to be unwatchable.

http://theimpact.create50.com/50-kisses

But you can see for yourself.
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DanC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Libs,

I found the Kisses film to be unwatchable.

http://theimpact.create50.com/50-kisses

But you can see for yourself.



Maybe I'm odd, but, I have watched about 20 min worth and I think it's interesting.  You have to watch it like it's 50 little stories, like a big twilight zone movie.  I'm watching each one as a what did they think of.  I might pull up a few to see how the screenplay was and how they chose to shoot it.

Anyone see the ABC's of death?  I have not seen it, but, it's like that.  Lots of little stories.  I think as writers and (some) as more (directors, producers, filmmakers, actors etc) this is interesting to see how they do this or that.

Or it could be the meds....

You decide...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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