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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14955 views)
LC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Libs,

I found the Kisses film to be unwatchable.

http://theimpact.create50.com/50-kisses

But you can see for yourself.

Thanks Rick, much appreciated!  


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DanC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Thanks Rick, much appreciated!  



Like I said, I've seen about 20 min and it's not bad if u look at it as a lot of shorts.

Oh, speaking of shorts, I've rewritten all 5 of mine, I have them posted together in the "my work in progress section"

If anyone wants to give feedback, please do so.  Of course, I'll read some too.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC



Maybe I'm odd, but, I have watched about 20 min worth and I think it's interesting.  You have to watch it like it's 50 little stories, like a big twilight zone movie.  I'm watching each one as a what did they think of.  I might pull up a few to see how the screenplay was and how they chose to shoot it.

Anyone see the ABC's of death?  I have not seen it, but, it's like that.  Lots of little stories.  I think as writers and (some) as more (directors, producers, filmmakers, actors etc) this is interesting to see how they do this or that.

Or it could be the meds....

You decide...

Dan


I just couldn't maintain interest in it.

Even regardless of respective quality of pieces, watching a lot of stories on the same theme is hard work.

Divorced from the strong narrative drive of a story that's intended to last for 90 minutes, I had no inclination to continue watching.

Each to their own...although I did notice you only mamaged 20 minutes of it yourself.
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DanC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films


I just couldn't maintain interest in it.

Even regardless of respective quality of pieces, watching a lot of stories on the same theme is hard work.

Divorced from the strong narrative drive of a story that's intended to last for 90 minutes, I had no inclination to continue watching.

Each to their own...although I did notice you only mamaged 20 minutes of it yourself.




I just finished it.  I actually might look up a few of the screenplays to see how they wrote them up as opposed to how they were shot.  

There were a few really imaginative ones.  

Certainly, if you are expecting 1 cohesive story, you are sadly disappointed.  However, if you look at it like 50 little shorts, and look at each vision, then it isn't too bad.

In all honesty, and i don't know what it says about me, but, I thought a few were really good.  Some really stood out.  Some of the acting was good.

I was kinda annoyed.  2 were practically the same story, and I mean, unless they knew each other, I'm shocked that 2 people came up with the exact same idea.  It's barely over 1:11.  

Some had some ironic twists and some horror mixed in.  Very few were heartfelt, like I expected.  So, I'd say, for this new one, going oddball is the way to go.  Some were very dark.  The last one was quite dark.  

Also, some of the settings were pretty cool too.

As a movie, it's bad b/c there is no connection scene to scene.  As a series of shorts, it's not bad.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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wonkavite
Posted: June 27th, 2015, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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If anyone has time, I just uploaded my fourth (and damned well hopefully final) Impact script.  But I'm open for revisions.  So, please.  Shoot me some one-liners, if you so choose.  

The Last Laugh - The End of the World is no laughing matter. Or is it...?

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/21764930/The%20Last%20Laugh.pdf
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DanC
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
If anyone has time, I just uploaded my fourth (and damned well hopefully final) Impact script.  But I'm open for revisions.  So, please.  Shoot me some one-liners, if you so choose.  

The Last Laugh - The End of the World is no laughing matter. Or is it...?

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/21764930/The%20Last%20Laugh.pdf


Hi Janet
     I just read it, yeah, I'm fast.  Only thing I did on the site today was read your story.  I hope I feel better soon, like really soon.

Back to your story, it was cute, a little heart warming story.  And I think it stands out.  I think some of the jokes could be funnier, and it's too bad you can't do a rim shot drum effect.

I don't know if you should have the swearing.  I watched the 50 kisses, the entire movie, and didn't see any nudity and I think 1 swear word.  So, you might want to keep that in mind.  

Actually, if you watch the movie, 50 kisses,  the ones they took were all oddball stories.  Some were quite good.  Some of the deadpan humor was pretty funny.

I still remember a few of the skits from a few days ago, and that's saying something since each skit is 2 min on average.  The first one was about a woman who yells at her ex boyfriend for coming back into her life.  And we all know what that's like, messy breakup, moving on, boyfriend shows up, eats the neighbor,
wait, say what?
Yeah, her ex is a zombie.  Like I said, it was quite funny.  I didn't care for the end, but, that's me.

Back to your story, I think you need a great one liner to end it with.  Maybe have the asteroid hit them or something.  Instead of going for the killer joke or some other play on words.

I'm not really good at making up jokes.  I think they are funny, but, others tend to groan in a not good way.  So, I'm afraid I won't be much use to you.  

I also don't know if you realized, but, I have 5 shorts that I put in one location under the my works in progress.  The reason that I tell u is b/c I think you should do the same for your 3 (or is it 4) shorts.  Put them al in one spot instead of trying to hunt them down and get the reviews on each page.  I've found it easier to work on rewrites.

Good luck Janet.  This was okay, but, not funny enough, go and slay them!!  Well, you know what I mean, or do you?????????????

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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The lovely thing about two pages is that they don't take long.

Janet

I liked the concept and the delivery is sound.

Like Dan says above, with time you can fine tune the gags. There's no rush to enter so take your time.

One thought i had is that they could stream his show live on the web.?? Not sure how you set that up, but it's possible.

This either gives him the option of playing to a larger audience, or you could have a final scene with a lonely person in their flat laughing through the pain of the situation. Just a thought.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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wonkavite
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan, Reef -

Thanks for the read, and the thoughts!  Really, I honestly intended only to put in two shorts.  But these 2 pagers are addictive.  I swear, this is the last one.  

It was also the hardest one to condense to 2 pages.  I originally had one of the other comics storming out the door early on, and then Donnie starting with some really lame observational jokes... but it extended the story far too long... and were incidental enough that they could be cut (though I think they were nice touches.)

This is one I'm not going to rush putting up a second draft for.  I'm aware that the jokes are cheesy (which, granted, is reasonable considering that Donnie's not a great comedian anyway.)  But sooner or later, someone on SS or over at Impact's going to come up with a great Zinger.  (Or maybe it'll strike me as inspiration in the shower, or something.)  And I want to hold out for that.  Oh - and Dan... rim shots would be awesome.  
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Angry Bear
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
I swear, this is the last one.  

You sure about that?  

I think every comedian will tell you that they can perform in front of a packed room and everyone will be laughing hard, but it's always that one guy that's not laughing that will get to them. IMHO, this piece would work better if everyone leaves the place in a hurry. Donnie gets up on stage anyway because this is what he's practiced and dreamed about. It's his turn and he's going to do his thing. Meteor or no meteor, but...the only audience he has is that one guy that won't laugh. That way, you don't have to try to write good jokes and I think it would also be a more emotional story because it would be really sad and horrible for Donnie.  


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Max
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Sup Wonks,

I wasn't really feeling this one, mainly because of the jokes, which can be hit and miss.  That's not to say that you can't write funny stuff, because as you know, I praised some of the wittiness in "The Box"

As for the story, I felt it, but can't help but think that it would work better as a drama/comedy maybe, ala "Funny People".

Mylar gave him an audience when nobody else would.  He allowed the kid to live out his dream on stage, because it was his last chance to do so.  That's what the story was about to me, and it would work on a level without the jokes IMO.

Personally, I would cut the last scene.  It would be more effective to FADE OUT with Donnie telling jokes and Mylar laughing at them.

That's my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em, as always.

Peace!



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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I’ve been away for a few days, just catching up.

Wonka! The Last Laugh – I liked it, the jokes were funny and the sentiment was true. This is a bit different from the norm and might stand out. The only slight suggestion I’d make is to cut the bit where he witnesses the scenes of devastation in the street. The preamble for the competition said there wouldn’t be much visual chaos to keep the budget down. I don’t think it’s needed anyway.

Reef – What Lurks Outside – A very interesting premise. Could someone get over their phobia if they knew everything was going to be destroyed? I don’t know but you made me ponder the prospect, which is good.

Dan – What on Earth – I was pleasantly surprised. This is definitely your strongest entry (in my opinion of course). When I started to read it I thought it was completely bonkers but then the end changed it all around. I really like this one.

Glenn – All I Have – Wow, this one gave me goose bumps. It said so much in such a subtle way. Outstanding. I tip my virtual hat to you sir.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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IamGlenn
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and the kind words, Mark. Still thinking whether or not to enter.


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Max
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Thanks for the read and the kind words, Mark. Still thinking whether or not to enter.


I'll read your Impact script as well brother, can you re-link?


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IamGlenn
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


I'll read your Impact script as well brother, can you re-link?


Sure, it's https://www.dropbox.com/s/0ooeob5uzljzimw/ALL%20I%20HAVE.pdf?dl=0

Cheers man.


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Max
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn


Wow, what a touching little short that was.  Anything with a dog in it is going to pull on my heartstrings, obviously, but it wasn't shoved down my throat here.

I personally would've shuffled the opening passage around a bit.


Quoted Text
On the sidewalk, on a single sheet of cardboard against the wall of an old building, sits FRANK (60s), dirty with along, shaggy grey beard and ROCKO, an old mongrel with a worn coat.


Frank (60), a dirty bum with a shaggy grey beard, sits on the sidewalk, atop a single sheet of cardboard.  ROCKO, an old mongrel with a worn coat, rests alongside.

I personally would've done it that way, but hey! The way you did it was equally acceptable.  I would've just introduced ROCKO in a separate sentence, and it would've been a seperate line if space wasn't so crucial with these Impact scripts.

Great work brother, very happy with what I've seen from you so far.

Keep it up.



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