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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14967 views)
IamGlenn
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


Wow, what a touching little short that was.  Anything with a dog in it is going to pull on my heartstrings, obviously, but it wasn't shoved down my throat here.

I personally would've shuffled the opening passage around a bit.



Frank (60), a dirty bum with a shaggy grey beard, sits on the sidewalk, atop a single sheet of cardboard.  ROCKO, an old mongrel with a worn coat, rests alongside.

I personally would've done it that way, but hey! The way you did it was equally acceptable.  I would've just introduced ROCKO in a separate sentence, and it would've been a seperate line if space wasn't so crucial with these Impact scripts.

Great work brother, very happy with what I've seen from you so far.

Keep it up.


Big thanks for taking the time to read and give your thoughts. You're being far too kind tonight

Getting all this into 2 pages was a tough job and I barely managed it. So, yeah that's my excuse for some of the crammed action lines.

Thanks for the kind words, appreciated.



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Max
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Btw, I'm not saying that my version is better, just throwing a re-word out there.

I normally do it as an exercise anyway, to help me with my own writing.


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IamGlenn
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah man, I get that. And that's no problem at all. Your line was just as good, maybe better. We all got different ways of saying the same things.

Cheers again


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LC
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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PM'd you a couple of comments, Glenn.

Yep we all write differently. Personally, I don't think you need the cardboard in there - think it makes that description line drag. And, as an add-on to my PM I think you should either leave out the dialogue of the TALL MAN, I don't think this character adds anything. Also, MAN, at the top of the script - I'd have him even a lil' more disparaging, and suggest FRANK desperately tries to grab for the money as it flies into the air - that's a good visual and says something about his state of mind too.


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Max
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
PM'd you a couple of comments, Glenn.

Yep we all write differently. Personally, I don't think you need the cardboard in there - think it makes that description line drag. And, as an add-on to my PM I think you should either leave out the dialogue of the TALL MAN, I don't think this character adds anything. Also, MAN, at the top of the script - I'd have him even a lil' more disparaging, and suggest FRANK desperately tries to grab for the money as it flies into the air - that's a good visual and says something about his state of mind too.


Have you entered into this Libby? Just curious.  If not, stop being lazy!

I'm above this competition of course.  They'd have to pay me a fiver to enter.


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LC
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
Have you entered into this Libby? Just curious.  If not, stop being lazy! I'm above this competition of course.  They'd have to pay me a fiver to enter.

Me, lazy?! I'll have you know Fen bruh, that I just knocked off cleaning the house to respond to your post.

As for Impact - I'm still undecided - couple of ideas buzzing around, so maybe...



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Max
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Me, lazy?! I'll have you know Fen bruh, that I just knocked off cleaning the house to respond to your post.

As for Impact - I'm still undecided - couple of ideas buzzing around, so maybe...



Cleaning is light work bruh, just whack the hoover on everything.  Simples.


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IamGlenn
Posted: July 1st, 2015, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
PM'd you a couple of comments, Glenn.

Yep we all write differently. Personally, I don't think you need the cardboard in there - think it makes that description line drag. And, as an add-on to my PM I think you should either leave out the dialogue of the TALL MAN, I don't think this character adds anything. Also, MAN, at the top of the script - I'd have him even a lil' more disparaging, and suggest FRANK desperately tries to grab for the money as it flies into the air - that's a good visual and says something about his state of mind too.


Thanks for taking a look Libby.
The TALL MAN was supposed to show how materialistic we are, even in a time of great tragedy. I liked that part but you're not the first to disagree so I dunno, maybe he gotta go. I did have Frank try grab the money but when it came down to cutting lines, I let it go. 2 pagers are tough going.
Cheers


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Max
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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If anybody else has any more Impact scripts, I'll be happy to read them.

I'll try my best to look for typos, technical errors, format issues ect.

It always helps to have a second pairs of eyes if you're planning on entering a contest.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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2nd draft is done.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/683gut3pnztj7lm/Assemble%20Avenger.pdf?dl=0

Thanks to Antony for suggesting putting people on the beach at the end. Also thanks to Dustin and Eldave1 (and anyone else who mentioned it) who said cut the DJ.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/87m9rulof1bfdze/The%20Rainbow%20Bridge.pdf?dl=0

Thanks (again) to Eldave1 for suggesting I change it so the family know all about the meteor impact from the start.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DanC
Posted: July 9th, 2015, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Again, not to sound like a broken record, but, I'm back and:

I hope as many of us enter at least 1 each so we can put SS on the map as THE premiere site to get better.  Imagine if a bunch of us get picked?  We all push the site.  Don gets donations and all is right in the world.

At least till that damned fracking asteroid wipes us out, stupid NORAD dropping the ball like that...

Dan

Mark, I will read them in a day or 2, need to rest now before my head explodes....


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Max
Posted: July 9th, 2015, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
2nd draft is done.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/683gut3pnztj7lm/Assemble%20Avenger.pdf?dl=0

Thanks to Antony for suggesting putting people on the beach at the end. Also thanks to Dustin and Eldave1 (and anyone else who mentioned it) who said cut the DJ.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/87m9rulof1bfdze/The%20Rainbow%20Bridge.pdf?dl=0

Thanks (again) to Eldave1 for suggesting I change it so the family know all about the meteor impact from the start.


I really loved the first one Mark, because it had some really cool, EPIC visual moments.  That is the second superhero impact script I've read, Dan wrote the other.

A strong visual ending, with everybody rallying behind this makeshift superhero.

The second one, not as epic as the first, but it was more based in emotion.

Your writing was pretty clean my man, some sweet entries there.

Sweet.




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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 11th, 2015, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


I really loved the first one Mark, because it had some really cool, EPIC visual moments.  That is the second superhero impact script I've read, Dan wrote the other.

A strong visual ending, with everybody rallying behind this makeshift superhero.

The second one, not as epic as the first, but it was more based in emotion.

Your writing was pretty clean my man, some sweet entries there.

Sweet.




Thanks Max!! Putting people on the beach was Antonywood's idea and I think it really works very well. I got great feedback in general from the SS crew which really helped.

Both entries are now up if anyone wants to rate them. I've rated and reviewed all the ones by SS forum members I know of, if I've missed any give me a nudge.

Assemble Avenger - http://theimpact.create50.com/scripts/55a11d833838334feb0000a4

The Rainbow Bridge - http://www.create50.com/scripts/55a11f713838334fee000098





For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 12th, 2015, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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just giving this a bump as...

1] i could do with reading few folk - mark i saw you had posted and will try and review

2] i would like to enter so need to get thinking a bit more - the ideas so far have been fine, delivery is the issue

yes, this is flawed but for a fiver its worth a go


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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It's worth noting they've extended the deadline on this as they've got some 'major' backers in the industry interested in promoting and distributing this once it is produced; so get writing and entering!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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