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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14806 views)
Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 5:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Even less reason for the staff to get involved if the votes don't mean anything to the end result. If all entries are read by the organisers then what does it matter if I think a script is average? Also, I don't like that the organisers seem to be showing their hand so early and doling out marks on scripts themselves.

The guy called it portraiture. True portraiture, IMO, doesn't require dialogue. The pictures paint the words. Not a bunch of melodrama snatched from a million stories already told.


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Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I just finished the second.  It's called the Great Finger Pointing Controversy.  A terrible secret threatens to break apart a family as they wait for the end.

Here's the link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/p39qhbfar949xpz/The%20Great%20Finger%20Pointing%20Controversy.pdf?dl=0

I will continue first drafts and then move stuff around.  These 2 are pretty basic.  The last 4 are a bit deeper and 1 is based on an old poem that was read to me in grade school.  I couldn't recall how to upload stuff to dropbox, but, I can remember a poem that I haven't heard in years.  Go figure.  If anyone cares, it's called Southbound on the Freeway.  

Dan


What is the significance of the family being black?

Code

Keith goes ballistic.



In the above you write that he goes ballistic, but what does he do exactly? To me, going ballistic would be throwing the table over, and maybe picking up a chair, about to jump on somebody to beat the shit out of them. But then they have time to kiss at the table and only then does Keith stand and scream. So if he's only just standing and screaming now, what did he exactly do to go ballistic?

DeAndra talks everyone around far too quickly. Keith blames the gays for the apocalypse, he's not sure if even he is going to get into heaven because of them (ergo the prayer at the beginning), and yet he drops his head in shame at a few simple words from his wife who for some reason isn't filled with hate like her husband. Why is she with him? She loves him even though he is a bigot? At least he isn't a racist too I suppose.

Everyone learns to love despite the apocalypse. All neat and tidy, within two pages. I don't think you can do this in two pages. It's too easy for you to end it with DeAndra talking them all down and they bowing their heads like all of a sudden they realise the wisdom of her words.

I wouldn't waste your money entering this one, if I were you. But I'm not you, you are. I could be completely wrong... and, I often am.


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DanC
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


What is the significance of the family being black?

Code

Keith goes ballistic.



In the above you write that he goes ballistic, but what does he do exactly? To me, going ballistic would be throwing the table over, and maybe picking up a chair, about to jump on somebody to beat the shit out of them. But then they have time to kiss at the table and only then does Keith stand and scream. So if he's only just standing and screaming now, what did he exactly do to go ballistic?

DeAndra talks everyone around far too quickly. Keith blames the gays for the apocalypse, he's not sure if even he is going to get into heaven because of them (ergo the prayer at the beginning), and yet he drops his head in shame at a few simple words from his wife who for some reason isn't filled with hate like her husband. Why is she with him? She loves him even though he is a bigot? At least he isn't a racist too I suppose.

Everyone learns to love despite the apocalypse. All neat and tidy, within two pages. I don't think you can do this in two pages. It's too easy for you to end it with DeAndra talking them all down and they bowing their heads like all of a sudden they realise the wisdom of her words.

I wouldn't waste your money entering this one, if I were you. But I'm not you, you are. I could be completely wrong... and, I often am.


Hi Dustin
     thanks for the read bud.  I agree with what you said.  

Sometimes, I'm an idiot.  I tried to create a whole story in 2 pages, which is very hard.

You're right about the dad going ballistic.  I need to show him doing more.  It is so hard with such limited space.

I kinda took a family that I read about not too long ago.  They were a baptist family.  Dad was a reverend, son was gay.  Dad hated gays.  Mom put them all in line.  

I think what I might do, if I enter this, is not wrap it up in 2 pages.  That way, I can spend all the time on the fight and leave it up in the air what happens.

If this ever happened, I can easily see this fight happening.  If anything, I think this trope will be one of the most common ones.

IMO, the most common ideas will be:
people rushing to be with loved ones.
People doing crimes
People praying
People blaming everyone else for the Impact, like gays vs religion etc
Suicide
Murder
devastation.

For me, I don't care about rushing home.  That's boring to read.  Crimes are pointless to me.  What can you steal to gain my interest?  Praying could be interesting, especially if say a Muslim walks into a Catholic church, or vise versa.  

I don't like to write about suicide stuff, not my thing, and I don't care about murder now since they are all gonna die anyways.  The Devastation stuff they said to stay away from (budget wise) so, doing anything would be really hard on a big scale.  

But, the blame game could get interesting b/c of all the different angles, gay, straight, which religion is right etc.  That could be fun.  

Damn 2 page limit crap...

Oh, here's my latest version of the other story "Last Chance"  I've changed a good amount in it.  I like this one better.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/zmz3dnk4qzqc3qo/Last%20Chance-2.pdf?dl=0

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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If you stick to the common ones expect your script to be put in a pile of similar scripts. Even if your writing is 100% great, there will be others in the pile that are too. Then it's lottery time. Think outside the box.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Dan - I'll read yours some time over the weekend and give you some feedback.

In the meantime, as I start writing my second idea can you guys check out my first and let me know what you think?

I've got space to add more, wondering if it needs any more? I had the guy saying something at the end like No! or Stop! but wasn't sure if it was needed.

Title - Assemble Avenger
Logline -  A mild-mannered man decides the world needs a superhero to save it from imminent destruction.  

https://www.dropbox.com/s/683gut3pnztj7lm/Assemble%20Avenger.pdf?dl=0


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Mark - the writing is clean as always but I wanted more out of the ending, just sort of peters out at the mo...

What about the beach being full, he starts to use his gauntlet to stop the meteor and the cround cheer him on... something more memorable.

Just a thought


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Max
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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You have to pay £5 to enter? I know it's cheap compared to some other contests but that's like... 4 cans of John Smiths, or a doner.

No thanks, lol


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stevemiles
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I like it.  Strong final image -- kind of wish fulfillment.  Cosplay’s last stand...

Could trim the Drunk DJ’s dialogue a touch to give you an extra couple of lines if needed.

On the fence about the bike -- feels a bit at odds with the geeky kind of cosplay costume -- though I do like the image of him ‘racing’ the meteor.  

Couple of possible add ons in a random sidekick or love interest -- if the space is there.  I did wonder what if someone else had had the same idea as him?  I'd leave out the No! or Stop!  Less you want to go the full Gandalf vs. the Balrog...

Fun, quirky idea.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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That's an interesting one, Mark. Not sure the DJ is needed or what he adds aside from stating the obvious. Maybe the guy could walk out of a mental hospital after all the staff run home. Show some comic books in his room.

Then he stumbles upon the store, mismatches and goes into battle against the impact.

Just a thought. I like it though. It works.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Mark - the writing is clean as always but I wanted more out of the ending, just sort of peters out at the mo...

What about the beach being full, he starts to use his gauntlet to stop the meteor and the cround cheer him on... something more memorable.

Just a thought


The 'rules' state I should avoid big setpieces as they won't have the budget for it so I can't have the beach full but maybe a small crowd has gathered for an end of the world party?

I do like the idea of him being on his own though, a one-man cosplay Avenger just standing up to the end of the world in one last act of defiance on behalf of all humanity. Hmm, I'll have to have a think.

Thanks for all the comments, in the meantime here's my second potential entry. It's more straightforward and obvious but I just had to write it.

Title - The Rainbow Bridge
Logline - A father tries to console his daughter after the death of the family dog, not realising they will be joining him very soon.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/87m9rulof1bfdze/The%20Rainbow%20Bridge.pdf?dl=0



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DanC
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


The 'rules' state I should avoid big setpieces as they won't have the budget for it so I can't have the beach full but maybe a small crowd has gathered for an end of the world party?

I do like the idea of him being on his own though, a one-man cosplay Avenger just standing up to the end of the world in one last act of defiance on behalf of all humanity. Hmm, I'll have to have a think.

Thanks for all the comments, in the meantime here's my second potential entry. It's more straightforward and obvious but I just had to write it.

Title - The Rainbow Bridge
Logline - A father tries to console his daughter after the death of the family dog, not realising they will be joining him very soon.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/87m9rulof1bfdze/The%20Rainbow%20Bridge.pdf?dl=0



Hey Mark,
    I'm gonna comment on both stories at the same time.

1.  I was afraid when I saw the super hero one.  I have an idea in mind too, but, mine goes in a different direction.  I enjoyed it a lot.  I like the bike.  The only thing I was worried about:  The use of actual superheroes stuff.  You'd have to get the rights to use them, for the shoot.  IMO, the directions say to stay away from anything that would cost money.  That'd cost money.

That's why superhero shows, if they have comics, make up their own.  I'd make up my own characters and do that.  About the bike, why not have him do his bike too?

As for his motivation, why not have him look at photos of his kids and then don the superhero garb?  Or, just keep it for him.  Death is a powerful motivator and people would flip out.

One issue that I have with the contest as a whole.  They are wrong in a few big ways.  
1.  There is no way that a planet killer would get that close to us without us knowing about it a year in advance.  No way.  there was an article on that about a year ago.

2.  If it's a planet killer, bigger then the one that killed the dinosaurs, then the earth might be knocked off its orbit.  Some suggest that happened when the dinosaurs died.  Even a few hundred miles would radically alter the way the sun interacts with the Earth.  So, IMO, the blast wave might not kill you right away, but, the sudden increase or decrease in temp as the planet swings out of orbit would.


Story 2, you have, on page 2, when Madison refers to herself as Madison when Dad offers to take her to see Jerry.  Was that on purpose?  It seems awkward.

That ending was good.

I had that storyline as one of the more common ideas, but, man, it works.  I enjoyed it.  

The ONLY issue that I have, once again, their rules.  Is showing a fake rainbow bridge a budget killer?  Would they put it in a pile they can't shoot?  

I mean, if they can't hire some extras to fill up a world gone nuts (and it would) then how much cash do they have for anything?

Dan  


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Dan, how the asteroid got there isn't your concern. Personally, I'd have made it a comet, one that was being tracked but something happened in space to make it change direction, maybe a test probe we landed on it exploded. There are lots of ways to make this work... that's not for you to worry about though.

Also, the majority of the filming will be done by amateur filmmakers. So it won't cost the organisers much. But they will have to shoot the President scenes and meteorite scenes, probably some mayhem type stuff as filler.


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eldave1
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I just finished the second.  It's called the Great Finger Pointing Controversy.  A terrible secret threatens to break apart a family as they wait for the end.

Here's the link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/p39qhbfar949xpz/The%20Great%20Finger%20Pointing%20Controversy.pdf?dl=0

I will continue first drafts and then move stuff around.  These 2 are pretty basic.  The last 4 are a bit deeper and 1 is based on an old poem that was read to me in grade school.  I couldn't recall how to upload stuff to dropbox, but, I can remember a poem that I haven't heard in years.  Go figure.  If anyone cares, it's called Southbound on the Freeway.  

Dan


Hey Dan: gave this a read.

In a two page contest you got to stand out - starting with the title. "The Great Finger Pointing Controversy" doesn't do it. IMO, it screams something that was just slapped on.

The nut of the story is a good one - i.e., a homophobic preacher learns that his son is gay just before the end of days. I would not abandon the gist of it, But start by giving it a title that will draw interest - examples:

- Confession is Good For the Sole
- Revelation
- Dis-Like Father, Like Son.

Not necessarily these - but something that will give some pop up front and draw readers in.

In terms of the story itself , IMO, there are two problems here. One, the big reveal comes to early and as a result the story ends in a whimper. It should end in a bang. Two, there is a very unrealistic - "going ballistic" and a follow-up kumbuya given the time permitted (i.e., two pages).

In addition, I would nuke the Ray character - you don't need him and the story would play out better if it is the son doing the reveal rather than the lover/friend (Ray). You might want to try a story sequence something like this:

* A Reverend  with God Hates Fags signs on his lawn is shouting through a bull horn to passers buy to confess their sins now. His son and wife by his side. (Note - this is just an example. The actual action you pick is not important - just start with letting us know the Good Reverend's beliefs).

* The Reverend goes on about God's vengeance for sodomy and impurity. Lowers his bull horn - tells his wife and son - see, those who refuse to confess are doomed.

* Son reveals he is gay.

* Reverend shocked/horrified - "no son of mine is a fag"

* Wife - he's not you son. He's your brother's.

Horrified look on Reverend's face - all he believed turned upside down - FLASH OF LIGHT - fade out.

Again, the above is just an example - so don't get hung up on the specifics - focus on the flow - that is, the Reverend learning something at the last moment that is a 180 degrees away from his belief system and that he has no time to process.

One nit: I think it is an easier read if the character is REVEREND JAMES rather than KEITH (it's just easier to follow that way).

Don't give up on this. I think it has a cool message and the potential for a real good two pager.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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The things you learn whilst researching for a script...


http://common-phobias.com/Meteoro/phobia.htm

A phobia of meteors - who would have guessed it.

The one I liked most, and had me laughing for several minutes, is the phobia of....have a guess...phobias  

Oh this would shine a light upon those dark winter nights. Along with the phobia of good news    yes, it exists. That damn good news, so annoying don't you find?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Dan - I'll read yours some time over the weekend and give you some feedback.

In the meantime, as I start writing my second idea can you guys check out my first and let me know what you think?

I've got space to add more, wondering if it needs any more? I had the guy saying something at the end like No! or Stop! but wasn't sure if it was needed.

Title - Assemble Avenger
Logline -  A mild-mannered man decides the world needs a superhero to save it from imminent destruction.  

https://www.dropbox.com/s/683gut3pnztj7lm/Assemble%20Avenger.pdf?dl=0


Over all, well done. Solid entry.

I didn't like the drunken DJ. The radio as a device was fine, I just would rather it be something that was inspiring AVERAGE GUY's behavior (e.g., we need a miracle, why didn't someone  save us, blah blah, blah).  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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