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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Contests - Screenwriting and Filmmaking  ›  The Impact Moderators: Don
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  Author    The Impact  (currently 14959 views)
eldave1
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


The 'rules' state I should avoid big setpieces as they won't have the budget for it so I can't have the beach full but maybe a small crowd has gathered for an end of the world party?

I do like the idea of him being on his own though, a one-man cosplay Avenger just standing up to the end of the world in one last act of defiance on behalf of all humanity. Hmm, I'll have to have a think.

Thanks for all the comments, in the meantime here's my second potential entry. It's more straightforward and obvious but I just had to write it.

Title - The Rainbow Bridge
Logline - A father tries to console his daughter after the death of the family dog, not realising they will be joining him very soon.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/87m9rulof1bfdze/The%20Rainbow%20Bridge.pdf?dl=0



Mark: Poignant - well written. I liked it.

My only issue with this script is the same I have with all scripts I've read where the reveal of the catastrophe comes in the middle of the story - the two page limit simply does not allow enough time for a realistic digestion of what is about to happen.

I think this would work even better if the Mom and Dad are sitting there with the girl and they already know what is going to happen. The Dad can ask the Mom how much time they got - she can check her watch and say two minutes and then they pick up the girl to go see Jerry.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


Hey Mark,
    I'm gonna comment on both stories at the same time.

1.  I was afraid when I saw the super hero one.  I have an idea in mind too, but, mine goes in a different direction.  I enjoyed it a lot.  I like the bike.  The only thing I was worried about:  The use of actual superheroes stuff.  You'd have to get the rights to use them, for the shoot.  IMO, the directions say to stay away from anything that would cost money.  That'd cost money.

That's why superhero shows, if they have comics, make up their own.  I'd make up my own characters and do that.  About the bike, why not have him do his bike too?

As for his motivation, why not have him look at photos of his kids and then don the superhero garb?  Or, just keep it for him.  Death is a powerful motivator and people would flip out.


Hi Dan. Thanks for the read. There should be no issue with the superhero stuff. He's not a superhero, he's wearing cosplay outfits. You can show cosplay in movies without having to pay for the license. That's one of the reasons I have him as Mismatch Man so he's not infringing on anything.  


Quoted from DanC

One issue that I have with the contest as a whole.  They are wrong in a few big ways.  
1.  There is no way that a planet killer would get that close to us without us knowing about it a year in advance.  No way.  there was an article on that about a year ago.

2.  If it's a planet killer, bigger then the one that killed the dinosaurs, then the earth might be knocked off its orbit.  Some suggest that happened when the dinosaurs died.  Even a few hundred miles would radically alter the way the sun interacts with the Earth.  So, IMO, the blast wave might not kill you right away, but, the sudden increase or decrease in temp as the planet swings out of orbit would.


It's fiction, this is the only part of the contest that is fantasy. A big 'What if?' sci-fi scenario. It's just a mechanism to join all the 50 stories together, I wouldn't worry about it.


Quoted from DanC

Story 2, you have, on page 2, when Madison refers to herself as Madison when Dad offers to take her to see Jerry.  Was that on purpose?  It seems awkward.

That ending was good.

I had that storyline as one of the more common ideas, but, man, it works.  I enjoyed it.  

The ONLY issue that I have, once again, their rules.  Is showing a fake rainbow bridge a budget killer?  Would they put it in a pile they can't shoot?  

I mean, if they can't hire some extras to fill up a world gone nuts (and it would) then how much cash do they have for anything?

Dan  


This story (apart from the end of the world part) is based on a very emotional conversation I had with my daughter last week. She (Madison) is 5 and quite often refers to herself in the third-person. My son did the same, apparently it's quite a common phase kids go through, so I thought I'd chuck in some realistic 5 year old type dialogue.

As for the Rainbow Bridge we never see it. I never say in the action that we see it. All we see is Dad holding his daughter and talking. Madison is imagining the Rainbow Bridge.



Cheers for the feedback. I'm gonna sleep on both stories for a few days and do another draft before I submit.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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wonkavite
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Okay.  I swore I was only going to do two.  But another idea came to me today.  Resulting in: Fifty Shades of Impact. This stuff is like popcorn. It's hard to stop!

If anyone's curious, it's here: http://www.create50.com/scripts/5585e68f3838331c871f0000

My other two are finalized.

Caged:http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e159d3838337fc4070000
Top of the World: http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e16453838337fc7020000
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DanC
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from wonkavite
Okay.  I swore I was only going to do two.  But another idea came to me today.  Resulting in: Fifty Shades of Impact. This stuff is like popcorn. It's hard to stop!

If anyone's curious, it's here: http://www.create50.com/scripts/5585e68f3838331c871f0000

My other two are finalized.

Caged:http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e159d3838337fc4070000
Top of the World: http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e16453838337fc7020000


I am shocked that you posted them to the site so quickly instead of letting others read them here first.  I know I have like 7 ideas, but, I don't plan to spend 50.  to post them all.  I think I'd rather post them here first, for free, then post them there and have little to no chance to win.

Just my 2 cents.
Dan

Ps, I forgot that I did read 50 shades.  It was good.  It was funny, and it was predictable.  That's okay.  I also liked how it was a total-contained story.  They find out on the news.  They decide to go out with a bang.  That's good.  I suspect many would choose to die that way.  I think I would...


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hi folk

Dan - i tend to agree that its worthwhile checking out what folk think here first. Its free and there isn't a rush at Impact, as far as i see it.

i will read and review the others later - read yours Janet and will comment here later.

In the meantime I would appreciate thoughts on this, and i will return the read.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/nh21jn6pxtgn9fg/untamed.pdf?dl=0

thanks


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Mark: Poignant - well written. I liked it.

My only issue with this script is the same I have with all scripts I've read where the reveal of the catastrophe comes in the middle of the story - the two page limit simply does not allow enough time for a realistic digestion of what is about to happen.

I think this would work even better if the Mom and Dad are sitting there with the girl and they already know what is going to happen. The Dad can ask the Mom how much time they got - she can check her watch and say two minutes and then they pick up the girl to go see Jerry.



If you think of each 2 page script in isolation, yes you are correct. However I've been reading some of the scripts on the site and some, even the ones that are getting the best reviews/ratings, don't mention the disaster at all.

I thought it odd at first but then I realised this is all part of a feature film. If selected each 2 minute script will form part of a 100 minute+ feature. Any script which takes place in Act 2 or 3 will already have the context established earlier on.

In my hero script I had the DJ there because I thought he had to explain what was going on, it had to work stand-alone but it doesn't really. Everyone is saying the DJ doesn't really work and they are right so I'm going to cut him, at this point the audience will know what is happening. Same with the Rainbow Bridge one.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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stevemiles
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,

Doctor Jones?  -- the name does conjure a certain image…  

There’s a certain bittersweetness to this, which I like; though it’s perhaps a little too downbeat and not as effective as I think it could be.  I think I’d feel more were Doctor Jones to actually get Mary outside -- fulfill his promise to get her to ‘walk out of here’ -- in some capacity at least.

Is it necessary that he’s a Doctor?  He didn’t seem to have any specific information that a friend or neighbor couldn’t have had.  I’d consider drawing the Doctor character deeper into this -- I get that he has a son he can't say goodbye to, though it's thrown in very matter of fact -- more of an aside.  How about giving him a similar goal in getting to the graveside of a loved one?  I don’t see it would be too much of a stretch in a small, isolated town.

Like the idea of the damaged recluse -- it's just not quite pulling at the heartstrings -- for me anyhow.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Dropbox is utter shite, DocDroid is better IMO.

Anyway, Bill my man, thoughts...

For me, the piece was about how strong fear can be in a person.  The world is ending but she can't let go of her fear.

We have fear, concern from the doctor, a past tragedy.  We get some idea of how Mary has been living and how it's affected her (the hoarding in the hallway)

Easy to follow, an air of tragedy, and the fact that she wasted her opportunity to say goodbye, and the Doctor would've probably done anything for that same chance,

Well done.


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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles
Bill,

Doctor Jones?  -- the name does conjure a certain image…  

There’s a certain bittersweetness to this, which I like; though it’s perhaps a little too downbeat and not as effective as I think it could be.  I think I’d feel more were Doctor Jones to actually get Mary outside -- fulfill his promise to get her to ‘walk out of here’ -- in some capacity at least.

Is it necessary that he’s a Doctor?  He didn’t seem to have any specific information that a friend or neighbor couldn’t have had.  I’d consider drawing the Doctor character deeper into this -- I get that he has a son he can't say goodbye to, though it's thrown in very matter of fact -- more of an aside.  How about giving him a similar goal in getting to the graveside of a loved one?  I don’t see it would be too much of a stretch in a small, isolated town.

Like the idea of the damaged recluse -- it's just not quite pulling at the heartstrings -- for me anyhow.


Yeah, I didn't view things that way.

I thought it was more about her than it was him.  I never like speaking for another writer, but I believe the character's a Doctor because that element of concern needs to be present. There needs to some attempt from another individual to help her, and a Doctor is perfect for that.

Ultimately he can't convince her, and that opportunity will never come around again.


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wonkavite
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


I am shocked that you posted them to the site so quickly instead of letting others read them here first.  

Just my 2 cents.
Dan

Ps, I forgot that I did read 50 shades.  It was good.  It was funny, and it was predictable.  That's okay.  I also liked how it was a total-contained story.  They find out on the news.  They decide to go out with a bang.  That's good.  I suspect many would choose to die that way.  I think I would...



Hey Dan -

Well, I do completely understand why some people are choosing to polish their scripts on SS, before posting to the Impact boards.  But for me, a script generally goes through at least two-three iterations before I publish it anyway.  I know what I want to do and convey.  Which isn't to say that drafts don't get polished further as I get reads (they do, but Impact allows two re-drafts, anyway.)  So - for me - I was ready to get the scripts out there.  And I'm happy with what they say, whether or not they win a place at the Impact "table."  With 50 Shades, for instance - I got across the funny aspect, which is what I wanted to do.  I'm not surprised it's a bit predictable at the end.  With that setup, that's the only organic ending, IMO.  Anything else would be a twist for it's own sake, which is never good.  (It's also amusing that I think that really, both Cage and Top are more worthy than 50 Shades for a slot.  But so far, the 'raunchy' one's getting the best reviews.)  
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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steve and max

thanks for the feedback and debate

all useful stuff and why its good to post here


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Okay.  I swore I was only going to do two.  But another idea came to me today.  Resulting in: Fifty Shades of Impact. This stuff is like popcorn. It's hard to stop!

If anyone's curious, it's here: http://www.create50.com/scripts/5585e68f3838331c871f0000

My other two are finalized.

Caged:http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e159d3838337fc4070000
Top of the World: http://www.create50.com/scripts/557e16453838337fc7020000


Lol, two minutes to get your end away before the world ends.

Fifty Shades seems to very popular these days, especially with the recent release of the movie (which I liked btw, and I never even read the books)



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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


If you think of each 2 page script in isolation, yes you are correct. However I've been reading some of the scripts on the site and some, even the ones that are getting the best reviews/ratings, don't mention the disaster at all.

I thought it odd at first but then I realised this is all part of a feature film. If selected each 2 minute script will form part of a 100 minute+ feature. Any script which takes place in Act 2 or 3 will already have the context established earlier on.

In my hero script I had the DJ there because I thought he had to explain what was going on, it had to work stand-alone but it doesn't really. Everyone is saying the DJ doesn't really work and they are right so I'm going to cut him, at this point the audience will know what is happening. Same with the Rainbow Bridge one.

-Mark



Not sure if I was clear on my point Mark.  In some scripts, the characters already know that the end is at hand when the story opens - so as a reader I can envision that they have already processed the fact that all are going to die and the balance of the script involves them dealing with that fact.

In some scripts - like the one here - the character just learns that they are going to die (e.g., answer the phone - "what - no way - okay - bye"). In all those cases - the subsequent initial reactions seem unrealistic because it always has the tone of someone telling them their cable is out rather than the world is facing mass extinction.

Long winded way of saying - I think the scripts that open with the characters already knowing the bad news are far more effective.   Take Anthony's script for example. When he opens, the two expectant mothers already know that the end is near and therefore the entire two pages can deal with the impact of the tragedy (and in the case of Anthony's script = perfectly done). In the scripts where they learn of it half way in the response, by necessity, is too brief and tame for what is about to happen and takes away writing space for the reaction.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Max
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
steve and max

thanks for the feedback and debate

all useful stuff and why its good to post here


Was my review anything close to what you were intending with the piece?


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wonkavite
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max

Fifty Shades seems to very popular these days, especially with the recent release of the movie (which I liked btw, and I never even read the books)



Erkkk!  Honestly, the book's pretty horrible. Someone left it in our building's laundry room when it first hit the newstands, and I read it out of curosity.  It's soccer mom porn, really.  Not exactly high level prose...     But really fun to riff on, nonetheless.
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