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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  First draft of "romantic" comedy exchange Moderators: the goose
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  Author    First draft of "romantic" comedy exchange  (currently 99 views)
AlsoBen
Posted: June 16th, 2020, 2:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, I'd love some feedback on my first draft of am "anti-romantic comedy" I finished recently. It's call Slow Motion Car Crash and it's about the worst PERSON ever.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/kj7bhteyj8iavlc/Slow%20Motion%20Car%20Crash.pdf?dl=0

No logline yet, but it's a misanthropic comedy/romance.

Willing to swap for similar length (like up to 90/100 pages) features or several shorts/pilots. I would love to read someone else's first draft and give "from the bottom up" feedback.

Note that I use first draft feedback to build my redraft so please be critical


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eldave1
Posted: June 16th, 2020, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, gave this a read.

The good stuff:

The writing is generally excellent - everything crisp and clean and it was a real quick read.

The dialogue is really solid and witty in several places.

The general hook is a good one - a gay writer ends up on the writing staff for the female actress that stole his boyfriend - nice.

STUFF THAT NEEDS WORK.

The character descriptions at intro are really thin - almost meaningless.


Quoted Text
CHARLIE (26), young and confident, hams it up as Macbeth. He directs a soliloquy to the AUDIENCE


Pretty thin description for one of your main characters – and young is redundant – we already know his age. So all you gave us was an unfilmable - confident.


Quoted Text
ISHMAEL (25), handsome but awkward-seeming, watches Charlie, prideful, and hanging on his every word. He smiles.


I'm not even sure what awkward-seeming means. Also confused to who smiles here – He is ??
Anyway - some physical description here would go a long way.


Quoted Text
Ishmael nods. Charlie walks off to the corner of the room, greeting PATIENCE (21), beautiful and young, inaudibly.


Again - we know she is young - so all we have is beautiful.

You make several references to the big age gap between Patience and Charlie - I didn't quite get that - it's only five years.

The first half of the scene with the Uber Driver (bottom of page 2) can go IMO – it adds nothing.

I got totally lost here:


Quoted Text
BELLA

Okay, so, Patience, it's just as we
blocked okay? Nothing you're not
comfortable with.
PATIENCE
Okay, so --

BELLA
Yeah, you're eating his ass. And
it's a very important scene. And
it's equally important you don't
actually eat Jeremy's ass.

PATIENCE
Yeah, that wasn't my plan. So how
close...


Were they shooting a porn??

The largest issue is that it is not yet a complete story, IMO. It reads like it is through episode four of a twelve part series. There are so many plot points left unresolved - the baby, what happens to Patience, etc.

Going back to my "good premise statement" at the end what you have is:

A gay writer ends up on the writing staff for the female actress that stole his boyfriend - then

they get back together. That's just a real MEH.

No real character arc there. Ishmael should be growing, learning - having some change as a result of this journey - instead - everyone is just back at where they started.

Anyway - I really dig your writing - a lot of talent here - it's just that the story strikes me as incomplete.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

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eldave1  -  June 17th, 2020, 11:44am
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AlsoBen
Posted: June 18th, 2020, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey Eldave! This was a script swap - you wanna trade?

Re: the scene you got lost in. It's not a porno, they're filming a sex scene for the show.

The story is definitely incomplete - vomit draft - but I guess i get feedback on it because I have always had trouble constructively re drafting. I used first drafts as outlines and then get distracted doing a proper rewrite.

Agree completely re the character descriptions. I didn't know what these people looked like when I started writing it so I just used vaguaries to cheat

I know the lack of character development is bothering but I guess that's my point. I feel like it's provocactive to take awful people and have them dig their heels in when you put them in situations where they should grow. I see how this is frustrating to read, though (it's very fun to write )

Thanks for the feedback - appreciate it.


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eldave1
Posted: June 18th, 2020, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
Hey Eldave! This was a script swap - you wanna trade?

Re: the scene you got lost in. It's not a porno, they're filming a sex scene for the show.

The story is definitely incomplete - vomit draft - but I guess i get feedback on it because I have always had trouble constructively re drafting. I used first drafts as outlines and then get distracted doing a proper rewrite.

Agree completely re the character descriptions. I didn't know what these people looked like when I started writing it so I just used vaguaries to cheat

I know the lack of character development is bothering but I guess that's my point. I feel like it's provocactive to take awful people and have them dig their heels in when you put them in situations where they should grow. I see how this is frustrating to read, though (it's very fun to write )

Thanks for the feedback - appreciate it.



My pleasure, Ben. It was an easy read.

Exchange not required - but if you are up to it I just posted a comedy - Nun The Wiser

Good l luck with the next version.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

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AlsoBen
Posted: June 19th, 2020, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I'll take a look. Pun in the title seems promising.


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AlsoBen
Posted: June 19th, 2020, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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(sorry that sounded sarcastic- I genuinely think the pun is funny).


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AlsoBen
Posted: June 30th, 2020, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Also - I'm accepting review exchanges for my short All Good https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-shortdrama/m-1592751268/ as I'm wanting to rewrite it as a feature.

Will review a short of similar length (~20 pgs) or even a feature that's on the shorter side. let me know


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