Blue Feather by Scott Engelauf - Horror, Psychological - A group of teens play a high school senior prank on one of the less popular kids.  Eight years later, now grown ups, somebody pays them all an individual visit remembering what they did.  - doc, format

I read the first couple lines of action and had to stop. I'm a newbie to this writing game, but from what I've read using "we" in action lines is a big no-no.

Example:
We open on a black screen.  We can’t see anything.  We can only hear the sounds of a woman begging and pleading for her life.

I know it's easier and more convenient, but it's really distracting to the reader. You say we open on a black screen, and then you say we can't see anything. The two mean the same thing. Less is more in screenwriting. Show don't tell. You've heard all the cliches.

I like the idea you have and it seems like you have a nack for writing. I read most of the script, and it's not bad. I think a couple of rewrites would really help this one. I'm not saying there's too much action, but there are a lot of ways to shorten this:

The WOMAN’S name is revealed and will be referred to as LAURA.

She is very confused.  She doesn’t know what this person is talking about.  As she looks back up at BLUE FEATHER, a plastic bag is dropped and slipped over her head.  

She tries to breathe as the bag is pulled aggressively against her face.  All of her airways are being blocked.  She can’t breathe no matter how desperately she tries.

LAURA is trying to free her hands for the binds to the chair in hopes of getting some kind of upper hand to get free and survive.  She has no luck as her hands start getting numb.

BLUE FEATHER pulls the bag more aggressively but doesn’t have much more slack to take out of the bag.  LAURA still cannot breathe as her last attempts to breathe start to fail.  She slowly slumps forward slipping into a state of unconsciousness.

As the bag comes off over her head, BLUE FEATHER comes around in front of her gently slapping her face to try and wake her back up.  As BLUE FEATHER tries grabbing her face, she pulls away obviously disgusted.  

BLUE FEATHER stands up walking back to the tray.  LAURA is still strapped to the chair as she tries to gain as much energy as possible to get free.


How do we know the woman is confused. Remember, show not tell. Is there no dialogue throughout this long series of action? It seems like Blue Feather, or SOMEONE would say something, you know? If not, just paraphrase this essay you have. If you want the scene to be silent and go on for a while, just write what happens...as it happens, and the director will take care of the rest.


Good Luck. Keep writing.

Ditto what he said.

You're using a lot of words to describe what, so far, is very little on-screen action.  The entire first sequence could be written in two or three lean paragraphs.

As Matty said above, you're telling, not showing.  For instance; when you switch scenes to the school, you're telling us Laura is the smartest and gentlest kid in school.  Imagine us looking at her on screen; how would we know she's the smartest and gentlest student on the campus?.  

It would be easy to show these things.  For instance -- and these are just examples off the top of my head -- show her intelligence by having her answer a question in class no one else could figure out.  Show her gentle nature by having her shed a tear when someone tells her a story about some dude who ran over a box of kittens (mwahahaha...)  Just little, character-revealing things that we can SEE.

Don't tell us the woman in the opening sequence can't breath because somebody's strangling her.  SHOW us she can't breath because somebody's strangling her.

Powerful hands wrap a garrotte around her neck.  She strains, her face turns red, her eyes bulge as her frantic fingers pinch at the chord digging into her flesh.

Don't bother informing the reader that she is quickly beginning to realize that her begging and pleading will do her no good.  We can't see someone's inner thoughts in 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and we can't hear them in THX.

I hope this isn't coming off as snide; that's not my intention.  Just remember that if you can't see it on screen, don't put it in the script.

Keep at it, and good luck.