SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 5th, 2020, 8:54am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Rancorium Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Rancorium  (currently 2147 views)
Don
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13557
Posts Per Day
1.93
Rancorium by Darren J Seeley - Horror - Infected with a virus, a group of people have found a way to reverse the effects. To locate the permanent cure means that they will have to go through an army of paranoid survivors who will shoot them on sight. If they die, we all do. 102 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 13th, 2010, 7:34pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Yeaster
Posted: October 4th, 2010, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Baltimore, Maryland
Posts
90
Posts Per Day
0.02
Darren,

First I just want to thank you again for reading my script. Before I get into the "meat" of my review, I'm just going to go over the technical stuff first...which are just typos and stuff I found. I apologize if this sounds too "nit-picky", that's really not my intention!


WARNING! Spoilers will follow to proceed with caution!




- Great action, can picture everything. It would be nice to see what Laura, Jeff, and Stars look like, though




pg 9:

LAURA
These people can turn back at
any time. We can move faster if
it just you and me.

"It" should be "it's"




pg 10:

JEFF
If we get attacked, maybe a
bite from one of the turned
changes a normal person into
one of them, maybe it will work
the same way, only the reverse.

This sentence sounded a little awkward to me when I read it out loud. It's also a bit confusing




pg11
Laura's second sentence should come right after the first




P13
ROYCE
Yeah. Time to go.
(nods to Jeff)

You can just skip that part and begin with "Just keep your girlfriend..." line.


I must say, this is very interesting so far. The character count is quite big though (not that I have a problem with huge casts, mind you) so some characters are kind of fading out of memory but I'm sure they will all fall into place as the story progresses.




p25
Briefly looks the door next to him.

Did you mean "locks"? or "Briefly looks at the door next to him"?




p28
STARS
And maybe one of those things
ate your kid. Turned us, we ate

You forgot the period.

Royce is definitely growing on me. First he had a really awesome badass scene, and now he's showing more of his sensitive side (with his "yesterday I kissed my wife, walked my dog...etc line). He's probably my favorite right now.

Hanson is my second favorite, although he hasn't had any lines. Something about him just seems sort of child-like, despite his age. Also, don't ask me why, but every time I see his name come up I envision Resident Evil's "Mr. X" (http://starsmedia.ign.com/star.....26023222740_640w.jpg)...just, you know, less zombiefied. Again, don't ask, haha.



p30

LAURA
I didn't say that. But if
excessive violence Anger, Rage-
If that's a trigger-

A comma should come after "violence," and the "A" should be lowercase.




pg 38
VICTOR
Hey. We make to the place,
we'll do just that.

Did you mean, "We make IT to the place,"?




p43
STARS
It worked, alright. But not the
way they thought. Not the way
they wanted. She fooled around
on me, frat guy she replaced me
with was an asshole. Knocked
her up, she dropped out,
miscarried. He moved on to his
next girlfriend.


OUCH! Hahaha. You know what they say... "Better the Devil You Know". Serves 'em right.



pg45
VICTOR
Right. I'm just more Catholic.
VICTOR (cont)
You all probably think I'm full
of it.

Maybe you should replace the "VICTOR cont" in-between the two blocks with a (beat)

pg45 con't
STARS
How about you talking about
something?

Drop the "ing"

pg45 con't
ANDREA
Alright. Who would win in a
fight: Lady Gaga or Nelly
Furtado?

OH. FUCK. NO. I will stop reading this right now if someone disrespects Nelly Furtado

lol @ the debate over Nelly Furtado and GaGa. The correct answer is CLEARLY Furtado. I mean, it's obvious.




pg58
They all make it to the People Mover, where Royce has
their back. Royce Is the last to board.

Lowercase the "I" in the second sentence.




76
BROWN
Yeah, keep going that way. Hope
you all don't trip over trip
over something. Wouldn't want
that.

I think you meant to say "trip over" just once.




pg80

Royce's two passages can be merged into one.




pg85
ROYCE
We just can't wait. We got

Got.........what? lol




pg 90
To up his friend, Young David takes a twenRty-two pistol
to better confront the coming Goliaths.

Drop the "r" in twenty




p101 - first paragraph
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!




p102 - last paragraph

That was the ultimate *face-palm*. Always that random irrational one.



Also - I noticed that when writing dialogue, you would write each sentence on a separate line. Each sentence should immediately follow the one that came before it. It just looks better.




"Bad" stuff:
- Beyond their physical descriptions, some of the characters didn't stand out as much as others. Laura, Hanson, Stars, Royce and Victor were all great characters and stood out. I sometimes found Jeff's and Steve's lines to be interchangeable, unless Steve said something about his faith. Andrea was a decent character as well, but I feel like she and Po could be one person. I liked Po's description, but she didn't really have a personality and I don't think she ever said anything interesting (after a certain point, she stopped speaking altogether). If you want to keep Andrea and Po as separate entities, but that could definitely work, but Po would need a major personality upgrade. Give her some traits that would help her stand out more among the rest, to differentiate herself from Laura and Andrea.
-The dialogue was mostly pretty decent, though some lines felt a little awkward.

Good stuff:
- Your action was great. Crisp and clear. Everything read really well and I didn't get confused as to what was going on. This really helped me get involved in your story and your characters because there weren't any format errors to distract me.
- The pacing was good as well. It started out intense, and kind of slowed down a bit, but once the action kicked in, it definitely didn't stop.
- The storyline also had some original ideas. Granted, it's kind of hard to make an "original" zombie movie, so the best way to go is to make it entertaining, which you definitely accomplished. I mean, half of the cast were basically self-aware zombies and that was something I've never seen before, so great job there. The gore was very satisfying but not OTT-cheese.
- Royce. Just Royce. Stars also had some really good lines, but he was definitely killed at the right time. He could have easily been annoying, but thankfully you didn't shove him down our throats.
- Unpredictability. I really thought that Laura and Jeff were the two lead characters. I never would've guessed that Jeff would be one of the first out (which was good, since he was kind of generic). Laura made it close to the end but still, her death was quite gory for someone who I swore was the designated "final girl." So awesome job.

Final notes:
- I really like this. It's the first feature I actually read in one sitting, but I don't regret it. It was a great, fun ride and I enjoyed every minute of it. It's definitely my kind of story.

Keep up the good work. If there was a "favorites" option, this would definitely be one of mine.

- Gary


---
Blog
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 1 - 10
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 12:48am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41


No, I don't mind a few eagle eyes catching a few minor problems. Sometimes when folks write and re-write, it can happen where a few things get lost in the shuffle. I'll look into some of those errors.

It's funny how things come about.  From all the responses I have gotten over three sites now (this one, Zoetrope and Talentville) it is universal on Royce. Originally when I wrote him, I just wanted a different voice. If everyone looked the same Zombie-like it would be tough telling them apart, so I had Stars. And Hanson. Then I thought: group think. Maybe they all do a bandage thing because they want to be part of a group, regain individuality/a sense of self. But Royce would be p**ssed off. He remembers a lot of stuff before and after he turned. He would think that they would find the cure, he'd get his humanity back. He would not wear anything to "hide" himself.

Because he would look like a "traditional" zombie and due his rebel attitude, once he picked up the spikes, he's now like what Wolverine is to the X-Men. Or the Thing to Fantastic Four. He becomes the star. In fact, I even rewrote the opening, having him being a "face among the crowd" where he does not stand out but he is there. Now when re-introduced, he stands out even more.

I kept thinking certain character actor's voices, like Nick Chinlund (Con Air, Chronicles of Riddick), or someone like that. I also kept seeing my "trailer moments" with the character.

I get a 50/50 on the ending. Some folks either think I should not show it (FADE TO BLACK; a GUN goes off, let's say) or get rid of it because they like the character. Other half is fine with it because it is a horror, it has a shock ending of sorts, and I heard one peer reviewer say 'well, if he's a real zombie, he "could" come back for the sequel and I wouldn't even cheat the audience! (He's a zombie) In fact, I'd bet on it if it came to pass.

Hanson.
An inspired character. You are spot on. But not from RE games or movies. I won't mention where (I'll start seeing it in reviews) because there's a lot of films in my vocabulary.

______________________________

It's late. More later if need be.

Thanks for the read.

BTW, I would never disrespect Nelly Furtado  
Just remember 'tis a character that asked the dumb question, not I.  




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 2 - 10
Yeaster
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 8:17am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Baltimore, Maryland
Posts
90
Posts Per Day
0.02
Haha, I was kidding about the Furtado thing. The whole sequence was hilarious. It was so random, but I lost count of how many random conversations I've had with people out of sheer boredom.


Quoted Text
I get a 50/50 on the ending. Some folks either think I should not show it (FADE TO BLACK; a GUN goes off, let's say) or get rid of it because they like the character. Other half is fine with it because it is a horror, it has a shock ending of sorts, and I heard one peer reviewer say 'well, if he's a real zombie, he "could" come back for the sequel and I wouldn't even cheat the audience! (He's a zombie) In fact, I'd bet on it if it came to pass.


I didn't hate it because, like you said, it is horror and horror films seldom have happy endings. But now that you've mentioned it, having the gun go off (without showing anything) would probably work even better.


---
Blog
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 3 - 10
rendevous
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59
Darren / Yeaster,

Your avatar drives me as mad as The Eyes one usedta.

Anywho, better logine. Sorry, we've not been formerly introduced. My name is rendevous. And that means we don't meet in a basement. Because you don't have renezvous' in a basement. They should be in a cellar.

First impressions: good. Not sure you need all the copyright stuff to that degree, but whatever makes ya happy.

Haven't quite got your style in my head yet. I can see it, but not entirely happy I'm seeing it the same way you do. I'm putting this down to me at the mo, rather than you. As I'm in a good mood.

Overall I'd say you know what you're doing. And that is always pleasing. Keep it cooking. I'll come back to this.

R ox


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 10:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41

Quoted from Yeaster


p25
Briefly looks the door next to him.

Did you mean "locks"? or "Briefly looks at the door next to him"?



After looking it over, it is this:


In a fit of rage, he shifts himself in the seat, and kicks. The door clunkers off the hinges.
Royce casually steps out into the road among the spikes surrounding the tireless Cadillac.

Briefly looks to the door next to him.





I have resubmitted with the errors you caught. Upon re-reading I also noted that I actually did address past reviews (from other workshop sites) in the end, as I have the death offscreen, or implied to be offscreen.





"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 5 - 10
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 10:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41

Quoted from rendevous
Darren / Yeaster,

Your avatar drives me as mad as The Eyes one usedta.



The eyes? Okay...better not to know.

Anyway, if you are reviewing the script, make note of Yeaster's comments. The small number of grammar problems he noticed have now been corrected and I have resubmitted the update to the site.

Thanks for your interest.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 6 - 10
rendevous
Posted: October 5th, 2010, 11:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59
The Eyes. Worse than the ones in The Hills.

Yeah. Trust me. You are better being spared that pleasure.

Points noted.

And you're welcome.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 11th, 2010, 7:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41


Just because.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 8 - 10
czamboni
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
Darren,

Thanks for reading my script and making comments. I wanted to get a feel for your style in relation to your feedback. I like your approach and format, to the point and easy to read. The story, I did not read the entire screenplay yet, did not grab in the first few page like I expected to but pulled in by page 5. I read through and did find a few typos but that can be taken care of in a rewrite. I am going to try and finish it and give my insights. Just from reading several pages. I can see you know how to format a spec script and let the reader imagine the scenes. Your insights on my screenplay were extremely helpful. Writers, are always their hardest critics. I've commented on some peoples and they got extremely defensive thinking their script was fabulous. I don't waste my time on them because they refuse to help themselves. I would like to read some of your other stuff.

Craig
Logged Offline
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 9 - 10
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41

Quoted from czamboni
I've commented on some peoples and they got extremely defensive thinking their script was fabulous. I don't waste my time on them because they refuse to help themselves. I would like to read some of your other stuff.


Thanks, Craig.

In the last two months, I submitted a number of things on SS, mostly my short scripts.  They are here for the masses to read and evaluate my mental state.  Likewise, I am here to check on everyone elses  

In every peer review site you will get a few nitwits. It is not a coincidence that most of the nitwits who are more thin skinned than most are also poor writers to begin with- and not just on a script level either. Sadly, they have infiltrated places like Triggerstreet and Zoetrope, and I don't even think Ben Cahan's recent Talentville is a safe haven anymore. But no matter where you go, you will run into the nitwits.

That said, with the exception of 'fanfic', there does need to be a time when some of those folks need to be read by their "peers". I don't consider it a waste of time. Better that some people be aware of a few snags, or to see some opinions than to have silence and repeat the same gaffes all over again.










"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006