First I just want to thank you again for reading my script. Before I get into the "meat" of my review, I'm just going to go over the technical stuff first...which are just typos and stuff I found. I apologize if this sounds too "nit-picky", that's really not my intention!
WARNING! Spoilers will follow to proceed with caution!
- Great action, can picture everything. It would be nice to see what Laura, Jeff, and Stars look like, though
These people can turn back at
any time. We can move faster if
it just you and me.
"It" should be "it's"
If we get attacked, maybe a
bite from one of the turned
changes a normal person into
one of them, maybe it will work
the same way, only the reverse.
This sentence sounded a little awkward to me when I read it out loud. It's also a bit confusing
Laura's second sentence should come right after the first
Yeah. Time to go.
(nods to Jeff)
You can just skip that part and begin with "Just keep your girlfriend..." line.
I must say, this is very interesting so far. The character count is quite big though (not that I have a problem with huge casts, mind you) so some characters are kind of fading out of memory but I'm sure they will all fall into place as the story progresses.
Briefly looks the door next to him.
Did you mean "locks"? or "Briefly looks at
the door next to him"?
And maybe one of those things
ate your kid. Turned us, we ate
You forgot the period.
Royce is definitely growing on me. First he had a really awesome badass scene, and now he's showing more of his sensitive side (with his "yesterday I kissed my wife, walked my dog...etc line). He's probably my favorite right now.
Hanson is my second favorite, although he hasn't had any lines. Something about him just seems sort of child-like, despite his age. Also, don't ask me why, but every time I see his name come up I envision Resident Evil's "Mr. X" (http://starsmedia.ign.com/star.....26023222740_640w.jpg
)...just, you know, less zombiefied. Again, don't ask, haha.
I didn't say that. But if
excessive violence Anger, Rage-
If that's a trigger-
A comma should come after "violence," and the "A" should be lowercase.
Hey. We make to the place,
we'll do just that.
Did you mean, "We make IT to the place,"?
It worked, alright. But not the
way they thought. Not the way
they wanted. She fooled around
on me, frat guy she replaced me
with was an asshole. Knocked
her up, she dropped out,
miscarried. He moved on to his
OUCH! Hahaha. You know what they say... "Better the Devil You Know". Serves 'em right.
Right. I'm just more Catholic.
You all probably think I'm full
Maybe you should replace the "VICTOR cont" in-between the two blocks with a (beat)
How about you talking about
Drop the "ing"
Alright. Who would win in a
fight: Lady Gaga or Nelly
Furtado?OH. FUCK. NO.
I will stop reading this right now if someone disrespects Nelly Furtado
lol @ the debate over Nelly Furtado and GaGa. The correct answer is CLEARLY Furtado. I mean, it's obvious.
They all make it to the People Mover, where Royce has
their back. Royce Is the last to board.
Lowercase the "I" in the second sentence.
Yeah, keep going that way. Hope
you all don't trip over trip
over something. Wouldn't want
I think you meant to say "trip over" just once.
Royce's two passages can be merged into one.
We just can't wait. We got
To up his friend, Young David takes a twenRty-two pistol
to better confront the coming Goliaths.
Drop the "r" in twenty
p101 - first paragraph
p102 - last paragraph
That was the ultimate *face-palm*. Always that random irrational one.
Also - I noticed that when writing dialogue, you would write each sentence on a separate line. Each sentence should immediately follow the one that came before it. It just looks better.
- Beyond their physical descriptions, some of the characters didn't stand out as much as others. Laura, Hanson, Stars, Royce and Victor were all great characters and stood out. I sometimes found Jeff's and Steve's lines to be interchangeable, unless Steve said something about his faith. Andrea was a decent character as well, but I feel like she and Po could be one person. I liked Po's description, but she didn't really have a personality and I don't think she ever said anything interesting (after a certain point, she stopped speaking altogether). If you want to keep Andrea and Po as separate entities, but that could definitely work, but Po would need a major personality upgrade. Give her some traits that would help her stand out more among the rest, to differentiate herself from Laura and Andrea.
-The dialogue was mostly pretty decent, though some lines felt a little awkward.Good stuff:
- Your action was great. Crisp and clear. Everything read really well and I didn't get confused as to what was going on. This really helped me get involved in your story and your characters because there weren't any format errors to distract me.
- The pacing was good as well. It started out intense, and kind of slowed down a bit, but once the action kicked in, it definitely didn't stop.
- The storyline also had some original ideas. Granted, it's kind of hard to make an "original" zombie movie, so the best way to go is to make it entertaining, which you definitely accomplished. I mean, half of the cast were basically self-aware zombies and that was something I've never seen before, so great job there. The gore was very satisfying but not OTT-cheese.
- Royce. Just Royce. Stars also had some really good lines, but he was definitely killed at the right time. He could have easily been annoying, but thankfully you didn't shove him down our throats.
- Unpredictability. I really thought that Laura and Jeff were the two lead characters. I never would've guessed that Jeff would be one of the first out (which was good, since he was kind of generic). Laura made it close to the end but still, her death was quite gory for someone who I swore was the designated "final girl." So awesome job.Final notes:
- I really like this. It's the first feature I actually read in one sitting, but I don't regret it. It was a great, fun ride and I enjoyed every minute of it. It's definitely my kind of story.
Keep up the good work. If there was a "favorites" option, this would definitely be one of mine.