The Visitors by D. Ross Kellett (angelus77) - Horror , Sci Fi, Fantasy - Trapped in their remote safehouse, a gang of kidnappers must team up with their teenaged hostage to survive against creatures from another world. 87 pages - pdf, format

Seems pretty good - this is the guy that had 'Grief' produced recently - can't remember if he's on the boards or not ... ?

Quoted from Forgive Seems pretty good - this is the guy that had 'Grief' produced recently - can't remember if he's on the boards or not ... ?

He is. He read my feature. I'll be returning the favor on this. His pages are pretty clean and paced well. Just 10 in at the moment. will review this weekend lest the pub beckons me.

James

On page 12. Things have kicked off nicely. Plot is in motion, our protag is clear. I like garcia and am sure you want me to, but I wonder if his motive for going on this kidnapping couldn't be a more dire situation. Seems like he owes back child support and wants to see his son. I think you could put him up against it a tad harrier than that. It would make us empathize a bit more...

Also, I like your writing style. Good use of author asides/unfilmables. Some here will jump you for that, but I'm pretty sure you're comfortable with your writing style and it won't bend you out of shape none.

Timms seems like your cliche bad apple on one of these kidnapping/exortion thrillers. Kelsey, I find interesting though.

Would maybe rethink Emma's "They're Here" line on pg 47. That will forever be forged in Poltergeist history.

pg 52
EMMA
Does anyone a phone? - first typo I found in an incredibly clean read.

EMMA
We should board up the doors and
windows. Locking the door won’t be
enough. - At times, how much Emma seems to know about these creatures seems conflicting. She just has glimpses of memories, but knows they have to board up windows and doors.

pg61
TIMMS
(Carol Ann from
Poltergeist)
They’re heeere... - ha ha, in regards to my other note.

May just be me, but I felt that Garcia's dad's V.O. about the knife was a bit of a cheesey moment.

Overall, this is a pretty damn fine read. Well paced and well written, which is a relief to me btw, since I committed myself to reading it. I would've liked a bit more interaction between Emma and her parents before this thing kicks off. The group family hug at the end didn't really give me goose bumps. It could if you set up how bad things were before a little better.

Was sad to not see any resolution for Garcia, but it would probably drag out the ending. I think he has the best opportunity for becoming better throughout this whole ordeal. Could be a nice character arc for him.

I miscalculated Timms a bit at the beginning. he was good sinister fun. Enjoyed many of his lines.

I really don't have a whole lot of notes for you, which is a good thing. The pace does slow a tad in the middle, but we're in the cabin for 60 pages or so. Bound to happen.

I would suggest a bit more of a creepy monologue from Emma the moment the aliens arrive at the cabin. Before the action starts. Kind of like building a legend to a horror story. In a trance-like state, she could tell these fellows the awful mistake they've made and they won't survive the night. Get a bit more creepy before th fighting begins.

That's it! Thanks for posting. Pretty damn polished script and could be done on a pretty low budget. Just a few locations, four main characters and some good VFX, this sucker could be on the big screen. Best of luck with it!

James

Quoted from Forgive Seems pretty good - this is the guy that had 'Grief' produced recently - can't remember if he's on the boards or not ... ?

That's me. And yes, I'm on the boards. Did you have any more thoughts on "The Visitors"?

Thanks for posting, Don.

First draft, guys. First draft.

MY THOUGHTS IN BOLD. YOU WROTE: On page 12. Things have kicked off nicely. Plot is in motion, our protag is clear. I like garcia and am sure you want me to, but I wonder if his motive for going on this kidnapping couldn't be a more dire situation. Seems like he owes back child support and wants to see his son. I think you could put him up against it a tad harrier than that. It would make us empathize a bit more... That's what I tried to do with the 'can't afford boxing and can't afford to see his son' thing, but you're right... i do need to make it more desperate. like this kidnapping is his ONLY way out. thanks for the suggestion.

Also, I like your writing style. Good use of author asides/unfilmables. Some here will jump you for that, but I'm pretty sure you're comfortable with your writing style and it won't bend you out of shape none. Dumping on someone's writing style is dumb. Either it's good or it isn't. Thanks for not caring.

Timms seems like your cliche bad apple on one of these kidnapping/exortion thrillers. Kelsey, I find interesting though.

Would maybe rethink Emma's "They're Here" line on pg 47. That will forever be forged in Poltergeist history.

pg 52
EMMA
Does anyone a phone? - first typo I found in an incredibly clean read.  A typo? Damn it! Ha ha

EMMA
We should board up the doors and
windows. Locking the door won’t be
enough. - At times, how much Emma seems to know about these creatures seems conflicting. She just has glimpses of memories, but knows they have to board up windows and doors. You're right on this.

pg61
TIMMS
(Carol Ann from
Poltergeist)
They’re heeere... - ha ha, in regards to my other note.

May just be me, but I felt that Garcia's dad's V.O. about the knife was a bit of a cheesey moment. I wanted to tie the knife in earlier in the script and give it some meaning since she uses it to gouge out her arm later on. I definitely need to work on introducing it better.

Overall, this is a pretty damn fine read. Well paced and well written, which is a relief to me btw, since I committed myself to reading it. I would've liked a bit more interaction between Emma and her parents before this thing kicks off. The group family hug at the end didn't really give me goose bumps. It could if you set up how bad things were before a little better. I've got a few pages I could add to build their relationship. Any ideas?

Was sad to not see any resolution for Garcia, but it would probably drag out the ending. I think he has the best opportunity for becoming better throughout this whole ordeal. Could be a nice character arc for him. In my mind, the resolution is him smiling at her. Not leaving with the money, but the look on his face says everything is gonna be ok. I DON'T want a scene with him and his son, or him at the boxing ring. That would scream cheesy to me. Any ideas on something better with him?

I miscalculated Timms a bit at the beginning. he was good sinister fun. Enjoyed many of his lines.

I really don't have a whole lot of notes for you, which is a good thing. The pace does slow a tad in the middle, but we're in the cabin for 60 pages or so. Bound to happen. But it shouldn't! Even though it's one location, the pace has to rocket all the way through! Which parts gave you pause?

I would suggest a bit more of a creepy monologue from Emma the moment the aliens arrive at the cabin. Before the action starts. Kind of like building a legend to a horror story. In a trance-like state, she could tell these fellows the awful mistake they've made and they won't survive the night. Get a bit more creepy before th fighting begins. Nice suggestion! Thanks!

That's it! Thanks for posting. Pretty damn polished script and could be done on a pretty low budget. Just a few locations, four main characters and some good VFX, this sucker could be on the big screen. Best of luck with it!

James

Ross,

I enjoyed this.  It’s a pretty straightforward tale, but the ease at which it read and the pace of the story itself kept me entertained.  I’m aware it’s a first draft, and my comments reflect those parts of the plot that stood out to me.

It did seem to get into the story a little quickly (from Garcia’s point of view).  In fact the whole thing, while it kept a good pace, seemed to whizz by, I think this dampened the tension in places.

On the Aliens first/second appearance: Seems like they accept the situation very quickly, the logic here would be to assume it’s cops/helicopter searchlight first, maybe keep their heads down and watch before going outside and start shooting?  Seemed a little too gung-ho, besides they’d be giving themselves away. I think you could milk the tension here for what it's worth.  

37 Garcia seems overly willing to give Emma a gun.  Fine for her to ask but again the logic would suggest as he still doesn’t know what they’re up against why take the risk?  Kelsey’s reaction seemed the more likely.  

P.39. the needle in the back of the throat -- that’s pretty horrific, (no bad thing here) I could almost feel it as I was reading.

Kelsey’s reaction to the dead horse seemed a little overwrought and as such I was expecting this to tie back into something later.  It gave us a little hint of his character (earlier on, feeding it oats) and I got the impression he’s not all bad.  But not sure why it (the horse) is in there in the first place.  And why did the Aliens kill the horse if they only want Emma? Did I miss something here?  

p.56 the voice over with Garcia and his dad.  I would have to echo other postings.  It could have the opposite effect on the viewer as it’s played here.  His dad told him only to do good, and yet he’s already in ‘bad’ up to his neck so were already past the crisis point which takes the emotional sting out of the imagery.  I think you’ve mentioned introducing the knife earlier, that could go a long way to solving that.

p.63. Nice motive for the Aliens, didn’t think about it too much until now, they want Emma back to continue their ‘study’.

Garcia and Timms seems to do an awful lot of squaring up.  p.15, p.28 (okay it does comes to blows) p.51, p.63, and finally p.78 they get into it. Their relationship/conflict seemed to go in circles, which may account for the slight sag mentioned in the middle.  The rule of three?  

p.74 nice turnaround with the humour. Comes out of nowhere given the severity of the moment:

KELSEY
And...
(quietly to Timms)
...I’m naked, aren’t I?

TIMMS
It’s cool.

KELSEY
I’m naked... and you’re on top of
me.

TIMMS
Yes, I am.

Would it work just as well ending the dialogue on Timm’s ‘It’s cool’?  Then just an awkward look between them?  Just a thought.

Is it me or are these Aliens a little too easy to kill?  They’re fast little buggers, and the way they skitter over the house and through the woods would make for effective chill factor.  I got the impression they are just the ‘attack dogs’ to a higher class of Alien (the Insect legged Queen at the end), which is why they’re none too sophisticated in their approach.  But all the same, toe to toe (unless you’re a horse) they came across as a bit underwhelming and they started to take second billing to the Garcia/Timms struggle.  Not sure if this is intentional (maybe budget savvy?).  

I can see why you offed Kelsey that way, it’s unexpected (in that manner) but I was left wondering if he did it of his own free will or if it had to do with the Aliens having some kind of control over him?  I guess I was expecting more action from the big scary guy.  In fact this has one of the lowest body counts I’ve read given it’s genre.  Hats off to you for not having to rely on violence/murder to move the story along, but that said I wonder if an audience would expect more?

It wrapped up pretty quick, felt maybe a tad rushed.  As it was the climax just kind of petered out and I was left thinking there could have been more action/drama in the final act, especially human vs. alien.  At 87 pages you’ve still got room to add here and there, hopefully you’ll get an idea from the feedback what areas to focus on.  Again, I liked the concept, and with the way you write I’m sure this story will continue to progress.  Look forward to a further draft.

Steve.  

I liked it. It’s a good read.

The story is interesting. The people are dimensional. The dialogue is largely natural and good. I liked the ending.

I did have a few problems with it.

The constant references to other movies was cute the first time, but got annoying very quickly. In the same vein, I didn’t care for the “This is...” comments. Example:

-------------------------------------------------------
Emma closes her eyes----as a tall shadow appears behind Timms. It’s Garcia! This is the Holy Shit Hero Moment as Garcia brings the butt of his .45 down on Timms’ skull.
-------------------------------------------------------

It takes me out of script. The most egregious of which is:

-------------------------------------------------------
(This is another “Everyone in the audience screams” moment.)
-------------------------------------------------------

I was completely in the moment, and this yanked me right out. It was upsetting.

I have have an issue with Kelsey coming back. If he was a trap, they should have had a better plan than, “We’ll rush them when they come out to get him.” I did like how it shows how bad it was on the spaceship, and by contrast, how strong Emma is.

They’re simply not acting like beings that travelled the stars to get here. This is often my primary issue with these types of stories. They have the technology to cross the stars, but don’t use any tools to get into a cabin? They don’t have x-ray to see where the people are inside the cabin? They don’t use armor? They don’t have non-lethal projectile weapons? And so on...

It’s like me taking an ocean-going craft, with all my modern tech and weapons, arriving at my destination, and then only my hands.

But, hey, this isn’t really that big of a deal. Signs had aliens that did the same thing and it was a success. So I guess this doesn’t really matter.

Overall, I enjoyed it and would watch it.

Hey Ross,

I decided to give this one a read last night, I remember being impressed with your produced short “Grief”. Also the story was my kind of thing and length was quite appealing for a quick read and I have to be honest and say I wasn’t disappointed.

I sat down and absolutely breezed through this one, it was a very clean read especially for a first draft which makes it all the more impressive.

If I had to fault anything in the writing it would be the so called unfilmables or references to other movies throughout.

At first glance I was enjoying them and found myself changing my views on such methods which I’ve not been a fan of before but as they went on, they did become a bit tiresome and really took me out of the read. This instance for example:

“her Kill Bill hero moment.”

I kept thinking of a “Scrubs” type scenario where the scene sort of goes into a daydream sequence and I don’t think this was your intention.

Anyway, apart from these moments which were few and far between the writing was damn impressive and very tight and to the point, it really did fly by.

A couple of things I picked up on.

P.8  Shouldn’t we move to an INT scene of the car for the introduction of Timms and Kelsey? They talk inside the car but we’re still on an EXT shot of the house?

P.17  “We agreed this is three-man job.” Missing “a”

P.52  “Does anyone a phone?” missing “have” here.

It’s a solid story but I wish we found out more about the aliens and their origins. It turns out they’re only here for a basic abduction to study humans which is okay but I wanted to know more about them, what is there plans and why are they studying humans?

You did write them very well though and liked that you kept teasing us with only little glances at the windows and keeping them in the shadows outside… good for budget anyway.

I wondered why they killed the horse? Especially as Emma was running away at this point and I thought they were following her tracker?

The characters were really well conceived, think Timms stole the show for best dialogue and he had some cracking lines throughout. Emma and Garcia came off very likeable but I do wish Garcia had some kind of ending, maybe even a scene showing him with his son to give him a sort of happy ending.

Overall I enjoyed this and it has a lot of potential to go further so I wish all the best with it.

Good work.

Steve