Green,

I think you're still struggling with this log:


'After being kidnapped and released, an independent college girl is forced by her anxious friend **to not tell anyone**, for she fears deadly consequences.
'

So basically, if she "just doesn't tell anyone," everything is hunky-dory, right? That's hardly a stake.

An "independent college girl?" Thats's supposed to generate interest? I haven't met too many college students who you could actually classify as "independent." Let alone one that's survived a kidnapping experience.

I'm reading this re-write, will get back to ya.

Tony.

Tony, I'm impressed that you can essentially dissect the entire problem with the script just from the logline. You're absolutely right. They are never in any physical danger. And that's not scary or thrilling.
I guess I was going for something else, but still not sure how to make it work. It's like I want it to be a horror film without it being a horror film.

Hi Gecko, I read the whole thing before the re-write, I'm quite impressed with the story, halfway through the discussions about call/not call the police went on a bit too much but I got really intrigued by Kee, wondering why she's so stubborn about police not getting involved.  Nice twists towards the end, especially when Polly finds the mask, but the end was a bit of a mess, I didn't quite understand the conclusion.

Just a few things that I noticed as I read:

In the first scene Polly's wearing 'Short shorts', which reads awkward.
The parents would surely be looking for the girls, they were missing all night, right? I understand Kee's parents are on a trip to Kahoe, but what about the other parents?
Typo on page 33 - replace 'there mother' with 'their mother'
Typo on page 34 - a statue of Jesus 'hands' , i guess you meant 'hangs'
page 34 'A hit to the jugularkills you in less than a minute' shouldn't it be something like 'slashing the jugular kills you...

I liked the dialogues between the girls, I guess now it's time to read your new version!

Thank you so much for taking the time to get through the whole thing, Marcela. You liked the things I liked in the script, so I appreciate that. You're totally right that it goes on too long and the ending is bullshit. Hopefully I worked on that in the rewrite, but it may be that I did the same thing.