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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Pedro Negro, Keeper of the Naughty List Moderators: bert
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  Author    Pedro Negro, Keeper of the Naughty List  (currently 96 views)
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 11:06pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Pedro Negro, Keeper of the Naughty List by C. Rob Dunphy - Horror, Thriller - As the mythical guardian of the Naughty List winds down his ageless holiday killing spree, a hardheaded youth suicide expert and her irksome tag-along suitor follow a trail of bodies in a race to solve this Christmas mystery. 107 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 19th, 2019, 1:55pm
revised draft
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator

San Antonio, TX
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Hey, Rob

"White space unclutters a page." ( Ken Miyamoto 2018 )

So, I have not read the story, but there are already issues with formatting that can be easily fixed with editing or screenwriting software, so the pages are more inviting to the reader.

No need for number count

Quoted Text


Speaking character not centered aligned

Quoted Text

          BOY 2
          No, thatís no fair. You donít get
          a David Justice for five Doubles
          and a Spangenberg.

I've never scene description displayed this way

Quoted Text

A school playground, recess, kids playing. A boy walking,
alone, he is--
                    OTTO, 10-12, both big-boned and heavy
                    set, face in permanent scowl, unkept
                    hair, eyes dart like a jackal.
Otto WALKING slowly across the basketball court, ignoring
the ongoing game of noticeably smaller children of the same

I have never heard of this legend, but I am intrigued. The idea is interesting. The first part of the premise reads a little awkward. I only mention it because it is a first impression. You do not want to give readers an excuse to pass on reading your script.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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