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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Foreseer Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2020, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Foreseer by D.A. Silva - Horror, Drama, Psychological, Thriller, Slow-Burn, Character Study - A young woman falls prey to her own mental instability as she begins to adjust to her older brother's care only to question the reality she is in. 90 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 23rd, 2020, 4:23pm
revised draft
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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 11th, 2020, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Just a quickie as it's beddy bos time...

Hm.  I liked what I read... I care about these characters. Attention to detail, good. Your dialogue is natural and flows like a stick-o-buttah!  You don't force anything. Just enough to keep me turning the pages... err, scrolling in this case.

No big suggestions or anything... you could tighten up some of the description.  Otherwise, you have a nice style, Silva.  Hope the rest of the story works. Good luck.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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DarkSide546
Posted: January 12th, 2020, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Really appreciate the feedback. I've been working on it for about seven years on it. Glad you liked it.
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vancety
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Silva,

I downloaded your screenplay. I read the first twenty pages; made rivisions and wrote down notes in balloons. I think this could be a cool story.

My thoughts:

(1) I'm not sure what the theme is yet. Should be stated within the first 12 pages or earlier.
(2) In your action lines, as well as in your dialog, you say a lot of things twice.
(3) When you finish with rephrasing your sentences, you script could be about 10 pages shorter. Thsi would mean it is to short for a creenplay. On the other hand, now you have an extra 10 pages to give your screenplay more weight.

If you like to, I can send the partly revised script to the email address you give me.

Best, Rutger
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DarkSide546
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, send it my way. I'm always looking for ways to improve my craft.
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vancety
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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To what email address can I send it Silva?
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DarkSide546
Posted: January 20th, 2020, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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silva.diego.625@gmail.com
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eldave1
Posted: January 20th, 2020, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, D.A. - took a look at the first five. All in all I think you're a pretty talented writer. Dialogue is smooth and natural.

I'm going to get real picky now.


Quoted Text
BLACK.

Darkness consumes us. Silence engulfs the screen. Then, after
a moment of peace and quiet...


You don't need "BLACK" followed by darkness. It's Black.  If you want for us to settle in before the voices start, use a device. As an example:

OVER BLACK.

The only sound, the TAP, TAP, TAP of a nervous foot.

A moment passes. Then --

CROSS (V.O.)
How are you feeling, Natalie?

And with that final question, we...


Quoted Text
CUT TO:

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - TAYLOR CROSS' OFFICE - DAY


You're not really CUTTING TO here. It is the same place. I'd go with

FADE IN:


Quoted Text
NATALIE (17) sits in a chair. She looks nervous, she doesn't
want to be there. Across from her on another chair sits


For both the characters - a bit of a physical description would be nice.

Don't tell us she's nervous - show us.e.g., NATALIE (17) in a chair, arms crossed, foot tapping nervously.

Or something like that.

The "she shrugs" becomes a bit tedious. I think I counted five times it was used in the first four pages. Here are examples:

Also - too many of XX doesn't say a word - and in most cases not needed. If there is no dialogue we know they didn't say a word. examples of both:


Quoted Text
Natalie's eyes dance around the room and then she sort of
shrugs.



Quoted Text
Natalie, feeling pressured, but doesn't say a word, she
shrugs.



Quoted Text
She shrugs, trying to force herself to tell him, but can't
bring herself to. She stay silent.



Quoted Text
She shrugs, sits with that thought for a moment then shakes
her head, "no".



Quoted Text
Cross doesn't say a word, writes something down on the file
then looks back at her.


Don't need Cross doesn't say a word.


Quoted Text
CUT TO:

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY ROOM - DAY


I got confused by the above - CUT TO would be same time. Isn't this really a FLASHBACK?


Quoted Text
Beat. Silence...


You don't need beat.


Quoted Text
INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - TAYLOR CROSS' OFFICE - DAY

Cross and Natalie are gazing at each other. Beat.


You don't need the beat, Also reads better in an active voice, e.g.,

Cross and Natalie stare at each other.


Quoted Text
CROSS (CONT’D)
... What do you think about that?
Getting out.

Beat.


You don't need "beat".

Okay - like I said - it's picky stuff. The writing is otherwise solid, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DarkSide546
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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First. I'm going to lay it out there and fan boy a little. I read, Dark World, He Drives Them (Crazy), The Roll of The Dice. And I just got to say incredible! Really suspenseful and dark writing, you captured the tone perfectly and I had a blast reading them.

Okay, enough fan boying...

I see what you mean. Thanks for the heads-up on the redundancies. Do you have any tips on how to avoid them in the future?
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eldave1
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarkSide546
First. I'm going to lay it out there and fan boy a little. I read, Dark World, He Drives Them (Crazy), The Roll of The Dice. And I just got to say incredible! Really suspenseful and dark writing, you captured the tone perfectly and I had a blast reading them.

Okay, enough fan boying...

I see what you mean. Thanks for the heads-up on the redundancies. Do you have any tips on how to avoid them in the future?


Hey, mate - thanks for the compliment - much appreciated.

Hopefully your screenwriting software has a word search function. What I do before I finalize a script is to word search on all of my action words to see if (1) I overuse them (2) there isn't a better one with more pop.

As an example: I will word search the script for "walk" or ""walks" then see if if I can;t be more descriptive by replacing it with:

marches
strolls
strides
paces
creeps
hustles

etc.

Rinse and repeat for all of my action words.

Hope that helps



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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