Sorry didn't mean to be rude or uninterested but this forum don't provide email notifications and I'm really not like 24/7 my eyes over this script. Have a number scripts posted all over net, so I'd be spending my days in nothing but over watch
... Cheers all!
Hi Kirill, the site actually does notify, you just need to tick the relevant box.
To be fair, some people seem to overlook the 'notify me'
Here's a link with some info about SS for you:https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/PQ. How do I know if feedback has been posted on my script?
A. Check the box that says notify me in my email when someone replies to this topic.
You can also follow this thread.
Anyway, a couple of suggestions re your opening:
First off, it would help to know what part of the world we are in at the outset, so I suggest you use a Superimpose to denote this..
SUPERIMPOSE should appear after
at least one sentence of description.
So, Fade In, Scene, description of the rugged terrain, mountains in the distance, then write:
SUPERIMPOSE: "Northern Macedonia ? Ranges.
Then continue with more...
EXT.BACKCOUNTRY-DAY (you need spaces in your sluglines) -
EXT. BACKCOUNTRY - DAY
What do you want your audience to see first? An aerial of vast mountain rangesIt's mid-summer, sun's about to loosen on the heat for the
You're telling us here, rather than showing us the blistering heat.
But you're also saying it's the end of the day with that line. So, perhaps show the last of sun going down behind the mountains
If you want us to know it's mid-summer then my suggestion is you incorporate the sun beating down with the intro of your character further on.Ridgy vast landscape with low bushes. Seems running in miles
at any direction until meeting large mountains in the far
A vast landscape, rugged terrain. Low lying bushes stretch for miles in all directions.A desolate place. No even animals in sight.
A desolate place. Not even an animal in sight.
Suggestion: Instead of no animal in sight you could describe the call of an hawk or vulture against the otherwise hostile and otherwise creepily quiet environment.?Our focus gets locked on the weird machine-ruptured wide
TRAIL snaking along the upbeat hills.
Machine ruptured? Upbeat hills? Upbeat in English usually refers to something either musically, or means cheerful,
As for machine ruptured I'm guessing you might mean a man-made trail carved through...?
I got the impression it was flat before so you need to describe lowlying areas and then a man-made track that snakes up to the foothills, for example. Imho.
EXT.ON THE TRAIL-CONTINUOUS
EXT. HIKING TRAIL - CONTINUOUS
Be aware you're using CONTINUOUS throughout and there are in fact different camera setups.A place you WOULD NOT like to find your whereabouts in.
Not phrased well.
You would not like to find yourself stranded in a place like this.
This is another 'tell' too, which is fine minimally.
You want to preferably show that though through the character's eyes.
I had trouble picturing the whole descriptive scene that follows.A PIPELINE of some sort. As the outback, desolated - no
humans, no machinery in sight.
This entire section needs clarifying - specifically regarding the 'pipeline', the 'beast', 'It's man-made MONSTER almost 90 degrees in vertical, cascade over cascade all the way down.
- though, like I said, the atmosphere you evoke is great and I'm feeling it. It's just not clear, for me at least, what I'm looking at.
Be careful (above) of the contraction it's ( it is) and its.
I mean absolutely no disrespect (I speak only one language) but this is where your translating of ideas and images into the English language is letting you down.
Obviously these things can be fixed which is why I suggested and encouraged collaborating with a native English speaking writer. Your own command of the language will strengthen in the process too.
I didn't get too far into the script, but what I did read I liked, despite it being difficult for me to get a handle on certain word usage. I really like the horror vibe and the slow (ominous build) you're creating which is where my encouragement is coming from, but I have to be honest, it needs a lot of work.