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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Trinity Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 30th, 2021, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trinity by Kiril Maksimoski - Horror - Stranded on a dangerously vertical strip, a young girl must make life striving choices in order to save her and her brother's life from a preying sniper with an ominous agenda. 83 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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LC
Posted: November 30th, 2021, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kiril.

I started reading this and would like to offer some feedback.

Are you around?


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KirilM
Posted: December 6th, 2021, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Not so often here, but any good/bad remarks any has sent it over to me at kmaksimoski(at)gmail.com.

BR,
Kiril

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LC  -  December 6th, 2021, 6:15pm
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Zack
Posted: December 6th, 2021, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from KirilM
Not so often here, but any good/bad remarks any has sent it over to me at kmaksimoski(at)gmail.com.



???

Why submit a script to an online discussion board if you aren't gonna be around to discuss it? You should really consider being a part of this awesome community. There's no other group out there quite like the SS family.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.

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LC  -  December 6th, 2021, 6:16pm
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LC
Posted: December 6th, 2021, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
... There's no other group out there quite like the SS family.

Yep, ditto to that.

Kiril, the more feedback and interaction on your script, the more your talents will be noticed, and your script improved upon with wider input. You'll get to see what works/doesn't work story-wise, and get tips on format, grammar etc. You might even find a collaborator, often essential to NESB writers starting out - which I think you are?

Your thread gets bumped to the top too, which in writing this I (and Zack) have actually done.  

P.S. I read quite a bit of your script, and you have something here. The foreboding atmosphere is terrific etc.,
Quite a lot is getting lost in the translation however.

P.P.S. Just want to add that quite a few writers with English not their first language have have learned a lot on SS to the point they've become very successful, had their work optioned, placed highly in Screenplay comps etc.


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KirilM
Posted: December 7th, 2021, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Sorry didn't mean to be rude or uninterested but this forum don't provide email notifications and I'm really not like 24/7 my eyes over this script. Have a number scripts posted all over net, so I'd be spending my days in nothing but over watch

@ Zack, thanks

@ LC, thank you as well. Glad u like the script and if my English is only issue, that'd be the least On a serious note, yes script is filled with bad English (intentional) as these guys are stranded over God's back (read Macedonia) and some lines are intentionally left in native...over your general observation be advised I did managed to have one of my other scripts optioned in UK (hope their English's not worse) and yes I do write bilingual for many years back now...

So, not repeating bout how the script's good )...I leave it to others to comment as well be it good or bad...and yes, please keep it on top as long as you can )

@LC you have any more advice, feel free to PM me or as already stated, just shoot me a mail...there I'm almost 24/7

Cheers all!
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LC
Posted: December 7th, 2021, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KirilM
Sorry didn't mean to be rude or uninterested but this forum don't provide email notifications and I'm really not like 24/7 my eyes over this script. Have a number scripts posted all over net, so I'd be spending my days in nothing but over watch ... Cheers all!


Hi Kirill, the site actually does notify, you just need to tick the relevant box.

To be fair, some people seem to overlook the 'notify me' box.

Here's a link with some info about SS for you:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/P

Q. How do I know if feedback has been posted on my script?
A. Check the box that says notify me in my email when someone replies to this topic.


You can also follow this thread.

Anyway, a couple of suggestions re your opening:

First off, it would help to know what part of the world we are in at the outset, so I suggest you use a Superimpose to denote this..

SUPERIMPOSE should appear
after at least one sentence of description.

So, Fade In,  Scene, description of the rugged terrain, mountains in the distance, then write:

SUPERIMPOSE: "Northern Macedonia ? Ranges.

Then continue with more...

EXT.BACKCOUNTRY-DAY (you need spaces in your sluglines) -  
EXT. BACKCOUNTRY - DAY

What do you want your audience to see first? An aerial of vast mountain ranges

It's mid-summer, sun's about to loosen on the heat for the
day
.

You're telling us here, rather than showing us the blistering heat.
But you're also saying it's the end of the day with that line. So, perhaps show the last of sun going down behind the mountains

Or:

If you want us to know it's mid-summer then my suggestion is you incorporate the sun beating down with the intro of your character further on.

Ridgy vast landscape with low bushes. Seems running in miles
at any direction until meeting large mountains in the far
background.


A vast landscape, rugged terrain. Low lying bushes stretch for miles in all directions.

A desolate place. No even animals in sight.

A desolate place. Not even an animal in sight.
Suggestion: Instead of no animal in sight you could describe the call of an hawk or vulture against the otherwise hostile and otherwise creepily quiet environment.?

Our focus gets locked on the weird machine-ruptured wide
TRAIL snaking along the upbeat hills.


Machine ruptured? Upbeat hills? Upbeat in English usually refers to something either musically, or means cheerful,

As for machine ruptured I'm guessing you might mean a man-made trail carved through...?
I got the impression it was flat before so you need to describe lowlying areas and then a man-made track that snakes up to the foothills, for example. Imho.

EXT.ON THE TRAIL-CONTINUOUS
EXT. HIKING TRAIL - CONTINUOUS

Be aware you're using CONTINUOUS throughout and there are in fact different camera setups.

A place you WOULD NOT like to find your whereabouts in.
Not phrased well.
You would not like to find yourself stranded in a place like this.

This is another 'tell' too, which is fine minimally.
You want to preferably show that though through the character's eyes.

I had trouble picturing the whole descriptive scene that follows.

A PIPELINE of some sort. As the outback, desolated - no
humans, no machinery in sight.


This entire section needs clarifying - specifically regarding the 'pipeline', the 'beast', 'It's man-made MONSTER almost 90 degrees in vertical, cascade over cascade all the way down. - though, like I said, the atmosphere you evoke is great and I'm feeling it. It's just not clear, for me at least, what I'm looking at.

Be careful (above) of the contraction it's ( it is) and its.

I mean absolutely no disrespect (I speak only one language) but this is where your translating of ideas and images into the English language is letting you down.

Obviously these things can be fixed which is why I suggested and encouraged collaborating with a native English speaking writer. Your own command of the language will strengthen in the process too.

I didn't get too far into the script, but what I did read I liked, despite it being difficult for me to get a handle on certain word usage. I really like the horror vibe and the slow (ominous build) you're creating which is where my encouragement is coming from, but I have to be honest, it needs a lot of work.



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LC  -  December 7th, 2021, 8:32pm
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KirilM
Posted: December 9th, 2021, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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@ LC, great stuff, thanks...sure it needs more work upon, it's only my first draft, straight outta treatment ...

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