The Easter Bunny Hates You by Alex Dionisos - Horror - An employee in a dying mall finds himself in a fight for survival when the mall is taken over by a cult looking to raise their God. 102 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Alex. Read your script, and jotted down a few thoughts to share. Hopefully some of them will be useful to you:

- This is said to be a horror film, but I have to say I wasn't horrified. But it’s really intended more as dark comedy than a bone-chilling horror film, right?

pp. 1-3 - Thought the intro, pursuit of the Security Guard, worked really well.

p. 4 - Can a little girl run up, unaccompanied by an adult, to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap?  Surely her mom's going to show up instantly. Not sure that FLASH of the bunny pulling the little girl away fits with this story's mood, either....

p. 6 – “A SHADOW falling over him… Get off my throne, human!” I liked that.

p. 9 - How about stating the price that Mitchell is offering for the mall? Would make it sound more real. I have trouble with this character, too, do we buy him as someone with that kind of money (especially given his incompetent-seeming henchpeople)? Where does his money come from, is he somebody's loser offspring who inherited it?

- Maybe Mitchell should be portrayed as more consistently formidable? Right now he seems to lack self control - e.g. in the meeting with Greenridge (pp. 8-10), and when he wants to buy the bunny costume (pp. 10-11). Takes way too much crap from his henchpeople, too. Repeatedly. And yet he's a super villain when he kills Greg (pp. 70-71). But then once again a whiner after the Lepus kills Cindy.... His portrayal seems inconsistent, and I'm not convinced he's someone capable of seeing the summoning of the end of days through to completion. But of course this is dark comedy, so maybe I’m looking at it wrong….

p. 39 - Wouldn't they naturally expect there to be a security guard? I would omit the surprise about the security guard, which I don't think adds anything to the story that isn't already covered. I think you do need to tighten the script up, cut or shorten some things, and this could be one of them. I would just assume they knew about the security guard all along, and eliminating him is already in their plan.

p. 53 - A security guard without a weapon? Seems like he'd at least have a nightstick, while all Hans has is a box cutter....

p. 55 - Having trouble believing the cult members will be smoothly accepted as temporary staff in the mall stores. How about a scene showing how one fake employee persuades regular store staff that he/she belongs there?

p. 65 - Had to laugh at how they subdued Tom – totally unaccording to plan, with the rearview mirror. Good stuff!

p. 72 - Noah “assumes the fetal position”? I have problems understanding this character. Why is he so afraid of the chicks – Cindy and Annabelle – and yet such an all-out fighter when confronting the Lepus, which is surely much more formidable than the girls?

p. 74 - How many employees from each store? Must be a bunch from JC Penney, why can't they resist one person holding a box cutter?

p. 75 - Didn't they know they locked Noah in the staff room? Hans told him to go there via mall intercom (p. 6, so why are Cindy and Mitchell surprised that he was there?

p. 86 - Why does Cindy think Noah is still in the staff room? They all saw Annabelle chasing him on page 80, very obviously outside the staff room.

p. 87 - And why, if it’s so hungry like it says, doesn't the Lepus eat Cindy after it kills her?

p. 90 - Liked the scene and buildup to Noah and the Lepus colliding in mid-air as Noah tries to escape.

pp. 91-2 - Good that you have Noah stomp on Mitchell's face in passing (but I don't think he has time to say "Fuck you" to the corpse, does he?)

p. 93 - Why are the police waiting to "storm the mall"? Do they have reason to believe there's a group of heavily armed terrorists in there? (Hans only had a pair of scissors....)

pp. 94-5 - By “wrench” I know you mean “hammer.” Good change from Noah using a wrench originally to a hammer in this version of the script. A hammer is more deadly, plus “Wrench time” doesn’t have the same ring as “Hammer time.” (Although I’m not so sure about Noah being able to joke repeatedly when he’s fighting for his life and even screaming desperately in pain at times….)

- Surprising that Noah can fight the Lepus when nobody else could. Maybe try to plant some indication earlier in the script that he’s special when he has to be? Or did something suddenly happen to change him? E.g. did that Lepus “strength” that Mitchell said would help Hans run the police off (p. 8 get diverted to Noah instead? Portrayal of Noah kind of inconsistent, I think….

p. 99 - “not caring what he’s covered in…” Hmmm, I guess Emily really does love him. I wasn’t sure, she seemed more like your basic nag. How about developing their relationship a little more? For e.g. on p. 56… “A) Stay in bed here with me, you know I’m off all day.” (lascivious smile) “And then, after, you can call Greenridge to quit”… and so on. And how about giving Emily a role in the fight? Maybe she charges past the cops into the mall, and it’s she who stabs the Lepus with that carrot – to save her man. Then says something smartassish to the poor dying creature, like… “He doesn’t work here anymore, Bugs! He’s getting a real job!”

Anyway… just a few thoughts. I’m sure some of them won’t go with your vision for the script, but hopefully there’s something useful to you to help develop it.

Hi! This is Alex.

Thank you for you feedback on The Easter Bunny Hates You. I appreciate the comments about the things you enjoyed about it. Yes, it was intended to fit more as a dark comedy, but wasn't sure it was appropriate for the Comedy section.  

I read your comments about things that didn't work and I appreciate it. Some of the things you pointed out were things I should've caught. They will definitely be taken into consideration as I move forward with this script.