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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Rising Vengence Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rising Vengence  (currently 619 views)
Don
Posted: December 22nd, 2024, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rising Vengence by Mpho Nkoana - Horror - In Thabong, 17-year-old Palesa's ordinary day turns nightmarish when she's kidnapped by Tladi, a sinister garden worker. As her father Ratau seeks vengeance, a cycle of violence ensues. Palesa must confront her fears and battle both Tladi's vengeful spirit and her family's turmoil to protect her loved ones. 92 pages

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JtF
Posted: December 28th, 2024, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Dear Mpho,
Crikey! -- what a gripping read.
Palesa is tied to the bed on P8 so she can't roll off! I suggest she stabs Tladi in his femoral artery (having just missed his groin!) which is a fatal injury. . .I think the dialogue between Palesa and Tshepo would be staccato short as (this shows) she doesn't want him there. " the smoke swirling around her like a shield" is a neat visual.
I'm a fan of the less-is-more set up to the crucial extremely gory bits; as that in a way is partly a misdirection. Maybe if there's a hint that Tladi has been summoned as a grudge - just to add another (untruthful) thread.
Not so much as returned to the earth but vaporised! That'll work. Great stuff - all best JtF.

PS: I attended a very cosmopolitan college where my African friend would greet me with "I see you." When I eventually asked him why he said this he told me, "sometimes a spell can be cast that makes you invisible. You walk the Earth carrying on but unseen and alone. I see you means that you are still in the land of the living."
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