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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  The Last Wish - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    The Last Wish - OWC  (currently 1420 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Last Wish by 0 - Short, Drama - A Clown tries to talk Death into letting him die in his own home 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Not in this OWC but will try and read a few

This logline caught my eye. Let's see

Bird view - I think I would add POV to give clarity
Missing words around the birds 'unlikely'

Quite like that.

Nice not to have some damn depressing script. Like with most entries it could do with a tidy and whilst the end is fine, a little more flesh as it was a little difficult to accept that this would change his health, when he had already been kind and thoughtful. But the juxtaposition of trying to make money for a funeral which is not needed because of generosity is a fine idea.

Bets of luck.


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Heretic
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Norman Gates -- is the echo of a very famous film character intentional?

This is a quick read and a pleasant, heart-warming story. It could be a little TOO heartwarming -- Norman's never really anything but perfect -- but it definitely hits the notes for a feel-good flick.

I'm not sure that the stakes of the tip are established all that well, and so the climax is the one thing I have a bit of an issue with. You did the climactic choice well, but I didn't understand why those two options -- funeral or no tip -- represented Norman's major conflict.


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eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. Not quite sure about this one meeting the parameters of the OWC. Who is the stranger and what is the strange land? If the stranger is death - then his visit to Norman is not strange. If the stranger is the Clown - then being in a house is not a strange land. So, I am teetering on it not meeting the guidelines - however, not in the mood for a DQ.

I liked the story and loved the reveal on Norman is a child. I thought the goody two shoes aspect of Norman was a little over the top - but I get the point.


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Cam Gray
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Is the fish out of water death or Norman? Didn't really get that, probably me being a Muppet. Character count was good, as was the page.

Nice little story. I too wondered if the name was related to a certain other Norman. Loved death's intro, flying into the room and not exactly making a perfect landing. Death also had character, the lad doesn't always get credit for having a sense of humour.

A very creative take on the challenge. Probably a consider for me,

Cam


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StevenClark
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This reminds me of one of those old The Devil and Daniel Webster stories, where the devil gets cheated. Same thing here, really. Problem for me is that it wasn't strong enough of a story to leave a lasting impression on me. Actually, the ending left me scratching my head as I was not sure how returning the money bought Norman more time. Regardless of that, it was a tough read because of the way it was written. Either you're a "newer" writer, which is way cool because you're in the right place, or English is your second language. Either way, a lot of mistakes with your syntax and choice of words. Otherwise, good effort!

Steve


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Angry Bear
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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I picked this one because I'm in the middle of writing a clown horror feature. I just had to check it out.

I think you did great with the story here. Very good, actually. Nice little drama that would be easy to film too. Minus the crow...

There some odd wordings here and there that could use a few more go overs.

I would also trim some of the dialogue between Norman and Death as it is a little too much exposition and some even repetitive. IMHO, you could probably trim at least one page from this and make it even better.

So, the story is good, but I'm I don't think it's a fish out of water story. Some might hit you for that in the voting.



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stevie
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed bag for me this one though I did like the concept. had good and average moments - maybe the writer was rushed or didn't have a definite view of how it would end?

Writing is strong by someone at ease with the ropes. One of the better ones, for sure


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Page numbers are incorrect.

"bird view" - Huh?  3rd passage is completely incorrectly phrased.

So, the chimney leads to a guest bedroom in Tommy's House?  Really?  And it just happens to be "Death".  Oh man...no...please, no...

Page 4 - "Tommy runs away. In a moment, heís back with the water. He
hands the glass to Norman." - This is a mistake here.  Unless you intend on just leaving the camera running on Norman while he waits for Tommy, this is an obvious cut here, meaning a new scene is needed - or better yet, a MOMENTS LATER...but the way the scene is constructed is problematic.

Lots of very odd phrasings,  like English may not be your first language?

Page 9 - The Slug here is completely incorrect, as Norma has left Tommy's House...only to return moments later.

Writing is not good.  Dialogue is not good. Story is very nice and sweet...even powerful in ways, so that's good.

I don't see any fish out of water or strangers in strange lands though, and I hate scripts with "Death" involved.

Grade - ** 1/2





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CameronD
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Eh?

I was liking the setup at first. Death flying in as a crow, an old clown as the protag changing in the bathroom of a party. But then it just flat-lined. The dialogue about the boy in the hospital went on too long, considering Norman has Death standing behind him which could make for interesting situations but Death is ignored at that point. Actually that's the thing, Death is pretty much ignored through the whole script. Norman seems able to pity him around at his leisure, and well, this is DEATH we're talking about here. Norman didn't seem to care much about his visit so why should we?

With more work you might have an interesting idea. But I'd rather see Norman outsmart Death someway instead of making the big dead guy a pussywillow pushover softie.


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khamanna
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,
Death is too goofy for me in this. Maybe you should make it even goofier and turn it into a comedy. Or have it as a drama and go easy on the goof. I don't know - it doesn't work for me the way it's now.
And Norman Bates (Norman Bates? why I wonder) is way too nice.

I'm not saying the story doesn't work but suggesting you work on the characters. Make Norman nastier towards Death - he's not happy to see it, does he?
And work a little more on that writing (and so should I on mine)
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Dustin
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Not bad but it was all tied up a little too conveniently for me at the end. He gives $100 back and is suddenly not dying anymore. This suggests that kindness makes us live longer, which isn't true. Doesn't work for me as an adult... however, kids may get something from it.
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DanC
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was a cool idea, but, who was the fish out of water?  And why would Death allow this?

We needed more info and we didn't get it.

Not bad, but, not really fitting the challenge.  At least IMO.

Dan


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Andrew
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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It feels like this script needed more backstory to breathe.

Agree with Heretic, that the climax didn't quite feel earned, and the stakes (funeral v no tip) felt a little difficult to understand. I am not quite sure what to take away as the message with that decision by Death.

The negiotiation with Death was the neat part of the story, and that's what clearly set out stakes early on would've tied the bow more sweetly.


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JEStaats
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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I always like to see writer's version of Death and always like the goofy version. I'm curious how Norman cheated death before? It was mentioned like it would somehow be relative to being a trixster but all he had to do this time was be nice. Kinda a let down. Being nice should be the deciding factor of whether he goes to heaven or hell maybe?

Not sure how this qualifies either. Good effort.
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