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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  A Duck to Water - OWC
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  Author    A Duck to Water - OWC  (currently 477 views)
DaveTroop
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey there writer

I didn't mind using the nicknames as character names, but why not include them in the intros right away?  As is, I was a tad confused when I read DUCK a few lines down, until it clicked - oh, the kid with the t-shirt.  

The no dialogue parameter worked well here, as I couldn't imagine any dialogue which would have improved the story.  Good on you.
The heat was a factor too, but I wish there was a way too emphasize this was futuristic and water is a scarce commodity.  I suppose you attempted this by showing us the dry river and arid landscape, but I just assumed this was a desert.

The antagonist fell short for me.  Not threatening.  I would have included a short scene while the gang was breaking in - the Guard is taking target practice to kill boredom and showing off some real shooting skills.  It might raise the stakes a little more, and it solidifies the warning sign.  The kids really could get hurt.

I felt the secret chamber was too elaborate to hold only 5 gallons of water.  I imagine it holding skids and skids of water, hence the actual need for the armed guard.

The kids really need a clearer reason to risk their lives for the water.  Again, the audience needs to know a bit of exposition.  Otherwise, it just seems like a prank gone wrong.

Someone mentioned predictability, and all heist films end successfully.  Good point.

Good job, writer.  Good luck.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one! Probably one of my favorites. You got the heat for sure and the suspense was pretty intense, so great job. I actually thought the names of the boys helped me visualize them better.

My only question is, why is the guard guarding a junkyard and how come he has so much water when no one else seems to? I would have liked to know a little more about that.

Great job, writer!  


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pale yellow
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Steel Shack or Shack... keep your sluglines the same throughout?

Wow very tense moment when Freckles was in the frig!

OMG I loved the ending of this. I was hoping he wasn't going to kill the kid!!!

Great job. Nice job writing. I cared about the characters....meets the challenge head on I think.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Multi-word adjectives before a noun are hyphenated.

The Mouse House will never allow that.

The junk yard is owned by an NRA nut. Gotcha.

I agree with giving us their nicknames from the get-go. That being said, as is, it isn't too confusing.

Don't introduce too many characters at once. Six at a time is about as much as most people can handle, but I would only do that in a feature. In a short, especially six pages, you'd never get to know that many characters.

Yup. The guard is a Republican NRA nut.

Unless you build a fake fridge big enough to shoot that scene in, I have no idea how one would be able to shoot it... even if you shot in on an iPhone... vertically. If this is animated, different story.

Try not to repeat your slug in your action line. Avoid redundancy as much as possible.

I skimmed a bit toward the end in order to speed up the read, but it was a good script. Congrats.


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