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It's Killer - OWC (currently 1538 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:54am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
It's Killer by Paul Stanley - Short, Comedy - When it's too hot to even think, sometimes a serial killer needs more than just death. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Lol - nice one writer. It's tough to get suspense in a comedy but you managed it.
This meets the criteria in my opinion. It reads more like a comedy sketch than a short story, but it works.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 1 - 21 |
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MGray |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:28pm |
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Posts37 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
The writing is admirably visual and propelled me forward through the short. One line that stuck with me: "He holds a large butcher knife." It feels flat for such a critical line. Something like "wields" instead of "holds" would liven it up. Or show him wielding it above his head ready to plunge.
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Reply: 2 - 21 |
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Lightfoot |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:57pm |
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LocationLondon, Ontario Posts379 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
You got suspense nailed, but I'm not really seeing the heat aspect in here though apart from the woman sunbathing.
Nice story though, written well, and was funny enough for me. |
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Reply: 3 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:39pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Ugh, you had me until he plunged the knife into her. I would've liked it more if he just got the girl. Otherwise, it read well and no complaints.
Good effort! |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Very well written for sure. The story just didn’t do it for me though. |
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Reply: 5 - 21 |
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ChrisBodily |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:41pm |
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January Project Group
Posts572 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
I have two guesses as to who wrote this. Fun fact: KISS did a song called "Killer." Coincidence or intentional? Friday the 13th? I'm in. "Ghoul s snatches it" Short, sweet, scary, funny. I love it! Congratulations. And please consider reuniting with Ace and Peter again. |
| FADE IN: |
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Reply: 6 - 21 |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 5:10pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Well written with nice visuals. You met the challenge with suspense without dialogue. Maybe later you might turn this into something a little longer? Maybe even a feature? Congrats on a job well done. Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reply: 7 - 21 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 6:17am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
I liked the hunk screaming like a girl.
It’s a simple sketch, meets the criteria.
Didn’t do much else for me, but strangely I feel there is a good longer sketch in there, lingering more with the dynamics between the three of them. Ignore the bartender.
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Reply: 8 - 21 |
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Cameron |
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 6:53am |
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Guest User
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Writerrrrr,
Funny writing, interesting concept (had a similar advertising style OWC entry not that long ago), it didn't really make much sense but I had fun reading it.
Nice one,
Cam |
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Reply: 9 - 21 |
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Anon |
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:05pm |
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Posts203 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Not much of a story here so hard to give feedback. It's an advert parody I suppose? I just didn't get it. And I wouldn't usually post something without constructive feedback, but the reason I'm posting, is because I'd really like to know what the writer was going for here. So it's got my interest - and that's good. When writers are revealed I'd like to hear what this writer has to say about it. |
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Zack |
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4501 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Pretty well written, it could work as a weird commercial for Gatorade. No real story, but it did meet the parameters.
Good effort.
Zack |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 4:00pm |
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Guest User
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Paul Stanley - Ha!!!!
Check out your opening passage - 2 completely different actions, unless this portable bar is right next to the pool. Should be broken up, anyways.
If the Hottie is literally lying on the flagstone, her skin is fucked, cuz that stuff is HOT!!!!
When you have a POV, you need to return to scene.
Return of the Speedo! YES!!!
Oh boy...a commercial? With a violent killing at the end. Riiiight...
Nope, not at all for me. There's nothing here and this was a complete waste for me. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 12:15am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Well, for a two page skit, you went big enough on your comedy, but I dind't find it funny. Not much of a story here... either.
Ghostie |
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realxwriter |
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:20pm |
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Posts180 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
I liked what you did here with the ending. But I wish you have stretched this tale a little longer. Nice attempt. You got talent and experience too. |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 12:52pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7962 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Well... I was sort of enjoying this. I thought it was amusing, but it honestly felt like it was going to be a commercial until he stabbed her in the chest. Not sure what else to say about this one. Not much of a story here. No dialogue, so that was good. Heat? Didn't really play a part, unless the Ghoul's face melted behind the mask. |
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ReneC |
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 1:33pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Interesting choice for the OWC. There's no story here at all, it's just a cheeky commercial ad. It technically meets the requirements, it's technically a valid entry, but not one I'll take seriously.
I could see it getting made just for kicks, so there's that.
Nice try though. |
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Kyle |
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:18pm |
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New
LocationDorset Posts103 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I felt this worked well within the challenge but not sure it would as a stand alone piece.
It's well written, well paced, unique and definitely one of the better ones I've read so far. Best of luck with it. |
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SAC |
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 9:37pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
A commercial huh? okay. It seems to have hit the challenge requirements so no issue there. Not a real "story" but it was light in tone and fun. And the Ghoul, besides a cool drink, got what he wanted--another notch in his body count belt. Good job!
Steve |
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Reply: 18 - 21 |
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SteveUK |
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 3:00pm |
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LocationUK Posts201 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Okay, so this is more of a sketch than a short, but it did make me chuckle in a couple of places.
Not really a story to this so it’s hard to comment in that aspect, but you pretty much hit the criteria and this was pretty well written. |
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Reply: 19 - 21 |
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DaveTroop |
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 2:22am |
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January Project Group
Locationat my desk Posts127 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Hey writer
It's good to see the front man for KISS is writing again. Welcome back.
A short short. Nice one.
Decent suspense, but the heat factor fell short. The comedy was pretty good. Hunk's feminine scream. The Hottie - oh you just want some water? But, when Hottie got stabbed for the IT'S A KILLER punch line, you lost me.
Seems like this was someone's lesser second entry into the contest.
Nice job. Good luck. |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 10:28pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.38 |
Love the title and I love your logline. ok... so I about choked when I read... pregnant Python. This reads more like a commercial than a story/screenplay. I would've liked to see the hot dude run off screaming like a girl... and the girl bust the glass and slash the creepo's throat open though. Good writing. Enjoyed the page count too. |
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