SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 27th, 2020, 9:26pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Prognosis - Logline review request Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Prognosis - Logline review request  (currently 268 views)
MichaelMidis
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 11:57am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hello everyone.  Thank you so much for having a look.  I am brand new at this and I am about half way through my feature dramedy script so I thought I would ask for some feedback on my logline.

"After being told he has 6 months to live, a broken man spends his savings on a 'last hurrah' in Vegas, only to find out his diagnosis was wrong"

Thanks in advance!
Michael
Logged Offline
Private Message
StevenClark
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2229
Posts Per Day
0.86
Michael --

Not bad as is, but I might add a little more as in -- what is he going to do to make this situation right?

Did he win in Vegas or lose? You might want to let us know that, although I'm assuming he loses everything.

Maybe...

"...only to find out his diagnosis was wrong. Now, he must..." blah blah blah.

Also would like a little more clarification on "broken." Broken from his diagnosis? You might want to use a better word there. Despondent. Discouraged. Inconsolable. Something of that ilk.

Good luck.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65
Pretty good log line.

Make it six - not 6

Broken man tells us less about your hero they you could. Anyone with a diagnosis would be broken per se. Expand just a bit.

e.g., I think more interest is piqued if he the trip to Vegas is otherwise really out of character for him. i.e., if he were a gambling, drinking thirty something then the trip to Vegas is just a natural course of things. If he were a deeply religious, conservative introvert type then it draws more interest because we know he's going to be a fish out of water.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
MichaelMidis
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thank you so much for the quick replies!  Your comments are awesome!  I am still trying to figure out how to reply to each comment lol.  When I do, I will.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from MichaelMidis
Thank you so much for the quick replies!  Your comments are awesome!  I am still trying to figure out how to reply to each comment lol.  When I do, I will.


No prob


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 7:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1027
Posts Per Day
2.06
Hi Michael

First off, welcome hope you find this place useful.

The logline: You have the protagonist and the inciting incident which is good. What is missing for me is the goal and stakes.

What exactly is he trying to achieve in this movie, and what are the consequences if he doesn;t succeed.

Is this movie about him having his last hurrah and the ending is that he isn't actually dying? or, is the movie about his life after vegas trying to put together his life after the trauma of thinking he was going to die and blowing his life savings?



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
MichaelMidis
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thank you so much for the reply Matthew!  Your comment (as well as the previous ones) has made me think very deeply about whether or not my logline is even still relevant.  It may, in fact, be irrelevant as I continue to write.  Is this something you would suggest addressing now, or should I continue to write and let the writing take me to a new logline?  Sorry if this question is confusing.
Again, thank you.  I appreciate you taking the time to help.
Mike
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
LC
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 12:40am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3981
Posts Per Day
0.95
Welcome, Mike!

A few links FYI:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/



P.S. Regarding your logline I'd up the stakes with 'life savings' rather than just savings which could just sound like he's put a bit of money aside.

Forgive me if it's been said already but now he's not dying - he faces losing the house, his girl, now in debt to the mob?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 4:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1027
Posts Per Day
2.06

Quoted from MichaelMidis
Thank you so much for the reply, Matthew!  Your comment (as well as the previous ones) has made me think very deeply about whether or not my logline is even still relevant.  It may, in fact, be irrelevant as I continue to write.  Is this something you would suggest addressing now, or should I continue to write and let the writing take me to a new logline?  Sorry if this question is confusing.
Again, thank you.  I appreciate you taking the time to help.
Mike


The question is not confusing, I don't think lol

A simplistic view of a logline is that it is a tool to sell your screenplay. If that is purely what you are going to use it for, then you can wait until you finish your script before finishing the logline.

However, to the writer, log lines are much more than that... now you will have to bear with me, I am not very good at explaining what I mean. It makes sense in my head, let's see if this makes sense in words lol

Loglines are a super-condensed summary of your story elements (Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, plot, goal, stakes)
--NB note that resolution should not be included in a logline, don't reveal the ending --
So if you have a problem with parts of the logline, then it could hint at a problem with the story.
For example, if you struggle to summarise what the conflict is in the logline, there probably isn't enough conflict in the script.
So log lines are good to the writer for that.

Loglines can also keep you on track - Some people like to start with a logline, then jump into the script. Checking back to the logline can help keep those writers from swaying too far from their original vision--  BUT, gonna slightly contradict myself...

Loglines can be used in the opposite way and help you discover what your true story is, and it kinda looks like this is where you are at.
So, we come up with a brilliant idea and we start writing the script, as we do so, the story seems to naturally change and evolve into something quite different... I prefer this process of letting the story come out naturally rather than forcing it to fit my original vision.
Anyway, during the writing process of a feature or pilot (less so with shorts) it is easy to become lost and overwhelmed, especially when the story has taken different turns than originally intended.
In this case, it is beneficial to rewrite the logline, if not for others but for yourself, so you can kinda recentre (reground? refamiliarise?... I dunno, you choose the buzz word lol) yourself with what the story is truly about.
It may be different from your original idea, and that's OK, but sometimes the logline helps you take a step back and think "OK, my story is actually about this!"

Does any of that make sense?

I hope so. If nothing else, I know what I mean lol



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  November 22nd, 2019, 6:46am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
MichaelMidis
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 11:09am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.05
It does make sense!  And I feel as though I am in both of your described situations.  I started off with one story, but the damn has taken off in its own direction.  I like it because I am also curious to find out what happens.  lol . I think I will keep writing until I get stuck, and then work up a new logline.  Thought?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
MichaelMidis
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from LC
Welcome, Mike!

P.S. Regarding your logline I'd up the stakes with 'life savings' rather than just savings which could just sound like he's put a bit of money aside.

Forgive me if it's been said already but now he's not dying - he faces losing the house, his girl, now in debt to the mob?


Thank you LC for the comment!  I actually had "life" in my logline but I accidentally left it out when entering it here.  And I agree completely that the stakes need to be raised.  As I tried to explain in another post, I started writing with this logline, but the script has kind of taken on a life of its own.  This is my first time so I'm not sure if this is a common thing?  If not then I guess I'm just a scatterbrain lol.
Maybe it will help to add more of the story:

- Before the story takes place, he lost his wife and kids in a car accident which he survived.
- The script opens with him discussing (convincing) his wife and kids that they should move to a ranch, away from the terrible city.
- He wakes up to real life where they are gone and he is an alcoholic and pain med addict.
- He gets the diagnosis and decides to go to vegas to die, really.  (Sound too familiar?)
- In vegas he meets a very young prostitute who makes him feel love (daughter he lost) again and so he takes her under his wing and together they try to kick their habits.
- Enter the evil pimp who beats her and forces the hero to make a decision to take her back.
- His money is now all gone so he has to find a way to save the girl and buy the ranch which he has decided will be a place for disadvantaged children
- There is a subplot that includes an insurance investigator who is holding up an insurance settlement check (which could solve the ranch problem) because the blood sample from the night of the accident was lost and he believes the hero may have been drunk.  Hero doesn't remember that night but struggles with the guilt of maybe having killed his family by being drunk.

OMG I'm sorry for the novel.  I didn't mean to write so much.  Just happens.  
Any feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006