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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  In The Devils' Mind - Logline Review Request Moderators: LC
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AMRH
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Hello everyone, would like some feedback on this log-line of a script I've been writing for a week or so.
Log-line: A Psychiatrist, MARY LILLYWHITE, is able to travel into the subconscious of her patients to successfully unravel their core dilemma's and provide solutions, but things take an unexpected turn when she travels into the mind of a patient who believes he's being controlled by the Devil.  
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eldave1
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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A Psychiatrist, MARY LILLYWHITE, is able to travel into the subconscious of her patients to successfully unravel their core dilemma's and provide solutions, but things take an unexpected turn when she travels into the mind of a patient who believes he's being controlled by the Devil.  

You don't need your character's name in the logline.

Look to be more efficient in use of words. As an example,

to successfully unravel their core dilemma's and provide solutions,

Could be summed up by "treatment."

Be specific when you can.

e.g., but things take an unexpected turn

Means what? She is in physical danger. Mental danger? unexpected turn is to vague. I don't know the story but I'll assume it's mental danger for sake of example, then we would have:

A Psychiatrist who treats her patients through travel into their subconscious, finds her own sanity at risk when she travels into the mind of a patient who believes he's being controlled by the Devil.  

Now - look for words that pop more. e.g., rather than be's being controlled by...how about possessed. Rather than "who believes that" - convinced. Rather then "the devil" - how about Satan.

Now we have:

A Psychiatrist who treats her patients through travel into their subconscious, finds her own sanity at risk when she travels into the mind of a patient who's convinced he's possessed by Satan.

The above still could be improved for sure - but hopefully it is a better starting point for you.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi AMRH,

Welcome to the boards.

I am not a fan of proper names in loglines - does it matter if your main character is named Mary Lilllywhite? Unless it's a famous person, it's not relevant to your story.

A psychiatrist with psychic ability enters the mind of a patient who believes he is possessed by the Devil.

Short and sweet.

Hope this helps.

AJR


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ajr  -  November 30th, 2019, 7:21am
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: November 30th, 2019, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I like it.

Sounds a bit like the Cell.
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AMRH
Posted: December 1st, 2019, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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That's what I'm sorta aiming for. That movie is greatly underrated.
However, the Psychiatrist simply enters into a virtual world, thanks to a computer program, where the patients subconscious is uploaded sorta like a Matrix so to speak.
Thanks for all your feedback it's helpful
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